(maso - male) Saying 'no orgasms ever again' would probably freak anybody out. But you are not really doing that, sometimes orgasms happen and you can also decide to have one. When we first started, physically missing an orgasm was hard and often unsuccessful. Sometimes even now it can be uncomfortable at times. Blue balls is a real feeling. It’s not like someone kicked you in the nuts, more like an achy swollen feeling and it’s uncomfortable. It is also part psychological because you know how to cure the feeling, shoot your load. If you massage your boyfriend around his junk and in back of his sack it can help. It can also get him hotter so you need to be careful how you do it, ask him if it helps him or how to change what you are doing. It does get easier as you practice and when you mellow out how you do stuff.
What helped us is that with Karezza we spend more time physically making love and not just thrusting. When things get too hot, I will still be inside her, side by side, and we talk, kiss and touch. I love to look into my girlfriends eyes when I am touching her breasts. Sometimes that is even too hot, especially for her. If we stop thrusting I can kind of relax and cool off a little, but she still seems to stay heated up. So you need to try different stuff and keep what works for you. We both really like staying connected and talking and making out. When we talk sometimes it isn’t normal love making talk, sometimes we joke around, and just private things between us. When your boyfriend can connect with doing something like that then it gets easier not to have an orgasm every time. To a guy at first shooting your wad seems like everything but once you start to experience other feelings then those feelings start to take hold and you want those also.
(Darryl) Every time you make love with your boyfriend it is a new experience. Karezza is something you are going to do one day at a time and you do it together. We think exploring this together is what is really great. I have found this particular journey with karezza particularly self evolving and never seems to stay in any one place for very long. I also like specific details but this arena seems to work best with a rough outline from my experience . "Engage sexually without orgasm", is really about it in my definition. I dont think anything further is really necessary although I enjoy and appreciate other peoples stories. When I started practicing this approach to sexuality there was no reuniting.info, no Cupids Poisoned Arrow, no forum, no one to talk to at all, just some Taoist sexual information I got out of a couple books. We just felt our way in the dark, so to speak....and it was wonderful journey, our individual journey.
I follow the feeling not the technique. What I might do on Wednesday could look considerably different on Saturday. This comes just about as close to a technique-less practice as I have ever found. Personally I think you're better off with less information, rather than more. I also think sex is a rather personal matter and some folks prefer a more general sharing rather than a nitty gritty one. With that said, feel free to contact me personally anytime you may have a personal question, I'll do my best to answer as specifically as possible.
(emerson) One of the members here was asking me for really specific stuff. He was at a point of feeling like he and his girlfriend weren't moving. I gave him all these specifics: like how my my penis went in at first, how many inches, how many seconds, whatever, all this bla bla detailed stuff. But a week or two later, it was kind of a joke because they had broken through where they had been stuck. Details are just totally unnecessary and actually don't add anything to your journey.
That's my experience personally. The specifics seemed to matter a lot but only when I felt stuck. But just persevere and you'll break through and it is always your journey and the nature of it is it doesn't matter how you do it. It just isn't important. You'll do it the way you both love it, and that's enough.
Very different from all the "25 new positions" crapola that's touted out there, the "what to do that's new in the bedroom when you're bored" and all that. Technique is just totally unimportant here.
I think it takes at least 6 months to "get the hang of it" and maybe a year or more. It just does. It changes the whole relationship for the best I think, but it takes time and there's no way around that. It didn't take me long to stop having orgasms. But it took me a long time to feel good about my life and get over issues that were mostly due to my imposing my beliefs on my partner. So there was an undoing, a letting go of that, and accepting what I had rather than what I imagined I wanted. Now it's all good and it's been about two years.
I was away for a few days, and my perceptions of my wife changed. I am very aware of this now. They went from incredible over the top crazy about her to something a bit less. Then we have a bunch of cuddling and sex and it's all fine after a few days of more cuddling and more sex. I find an absence really changes perceptions, like I said. When you are having orgasms you don't notice, but when you don't have them, your feelings for each other can be so amazing that you notice the difference quite a lot between being together all the time and not.
It takes time for couples to work this out in their unique way. I can tell you that it took us 6 months to get smoother and really 18 months to really have it "down".
(treehouse) We had a major breakthrough last night. Here's what I've learnt, all in the last 24 hours :)
- the schedule is really important; it creates intention, which means consciousness. Several weeks of trial and error were required before we got as far as negotiating a regular schedule for intercourse. That's when things really started to anchor for us. And the reason for this, I believe, is it creates intentionality. Where the mind goes the body follows. Both of you aligned and committed to the process. Powerful.
- take the responsibility that you feel and use it, don't expect the other to do X or Y
- learn some form of breathing-related art, tai chi, qigong etc, It's not accidental that karezza has its roots in the ancient taoist traditions, where the breath, life force, and sexual energy are inextricably interwoven.
- it helps to remember that the key to really 'getting' Cupid is that when one of you orgasms you'll always struggle for a while to get your passions back in sync
- again, I cant say it enough, Richardsons' material has real answers:
Reach out to your partner and place your relaxed hands on their positive pole. Channel your love and warmth through your hands into them while allowing the eyes to meet...[This is] very important as it sets the stage for the interplay of polarity once penetration occurs. When the positive poles are alive to each other...an incredible interchange of energy is possible. Lovemaking can become increasingly dynamic, the bodies twisting and turning around and into each other for hours, as if possessed by life itself.
Also, in the beginning when you are learning, its best just to enter and lay still. For an hour. Just lay there. Change positions from time to time, as your mind wanders or someone yawns. But not moving, no wriggling, jiggling squirming, nothing.
The reasons are these:
- none of the books describe what gentle is, and our old exciteable brain tends to interpret gentle way more arousingly than karezza envisions. Its just force of habit.
- After youve done this a few times youll learn to not be agitated when erections come and go. This helps reduce the performance pressure which also contributes to over excitableness.
About erections. In the begnning you'll be all self conscious about them. Theres lots of change going on, less reliance on previous excitment crutches, and lots of well, self consciousness. Yur erection might seem to be hiding to begin with, and when it does finally appear...may disappear all too readily! Let me assure you that when you get over this newness stage your erection will be there when you need it. :)
(Rachel) If you can both learn to relax into your bodies where lovemaking is easy and calm you will see it's something you can do as you fall asleep at night, when you are taking an afternoon nap, or in the morning when you're not quite ready to get up yet. It's just a beautiful way to plug into each other and keep your love flowing. And when I say lovemaking is easy and calm I do *not* mean it's boring or there is nothing happening. Your bodies may be still, but the penis and vagina are very active and alive and communicating and pulsating! But that can only happen once you put your focus there and away from anything else (both of you). The more you do it and practice it, the easier it becomes.
(Marnia) When men, especially, first start containing their energy, they may feel uncharacteristically "needy" for a while. Partners can help by initiating daily bonding behaviors and sticking to agreed upon intercourse schedules. Another good solution is a daily, first-thing-in-the-morning karezza session that's almost a meditation. More vigorous sex can still be arranged for other times, but the daily "plug-in" helps both partners feel calmer and well fed.
(Darryl) I think of beginning a karezza practice like stepping into a room that's in total darkness. At first we all stumble around, bump into things, dont even know whats in the room, and search for the light switch, (which there isnt one since this room is only lit by natural light). Slowly we start to see where things are, whats in the room and how to get around. Also, everybody's room is arranged differently since we're all different and the combination of two people set up the room uniquely to them.
What I'm saying is, karezza is a "fumble as you go and find your own way" kind of experience. Once you're in the room, (which you get to by your intention to avoid orgasm, notice I only said "intention") it's all about the discovery and the dance between partners, and what a sweet dance it becomes.
There's no right or wrong way, only your discovery as the room slowly comes into focus. What all my amorphous words said: If I was going to give any advice, it would be to choose behaviors that don't lead to slipping over the edge. Of course, slipping over the edge will help you figure out which behaviors to choose. How about that?
It's taken my wife and me 14 years of feeling our way around this room on our own to get where we are now and I'm very glad we did it by feel and intuition, although having fellow travelers to talk with in the early days would have been nice.
(blissed) If you plan to fall asleep with PIV [penis in vagina] use whatever pillows or props that you need. Get as comfortable as you possibly can. Many mornings we awake well-rested a half hour or more before the alarm clock, and have a nice space of time for conscious, gentle lovemaking that always sets the tone for the whole day. This morning we were more sleepy than usual, but we still spent a few minutes chest to chest, and then 10-15 minutes of PIV. We now have a sexual abundance that works very well for us without any of the common time crunch problems of fitting frequent lovemaking and sexual healing into our busy daily schedules.
(bianca) Slow gentle tender sex is just more of a turn on for women. So of course the irony is that karezza will make women very orgasmic, perhaps more so, because it is more in tune with her approach to sexuality. Sensation increases with less speed. What's happening is that the energetic anatomy of your girlfriend, which is responding to the presence of your penis, is waking up, and with it, her regular anatomy. Ie, she is starting to become TRULY receptive now that things are slowing down, and her whole circuitry is waking up in a new way. Cheers to that! For the woman, the question shifts to "how can I possibly receive this much pleasure without going over?"
(emerson) This is what works for us:
We always begin in the spoon position. First I get inside her all the way, which I try to do very very slow, then I don't do anymore than it takes to remain hard, which sometimes is no movement at all. We will remain that way for around ten or twenty minutes, and then I will begin to move in and out, again very very slow and smooth, and that usually lasts for about another ten or twenty minutes. This is where the fluid usually starts to flow. Then I pull almost completely out and we are just barely connected by her lips and my head, with real slow, short strokes and she absolutely loves this. After that I get all the way back in and just lie real still, again with only enough movement to stay firm. One other thing, we don't talk at all. It seems like talking is a distraction for us.
(man to man) My first suggestion is to get a firm hold of your own orgasm and learn to stay away from ejaculation, period. Not an easy task for most men. I find its a strong statement to the feminine when you can hold your biological urges steady. It creates a space that the woman can expand into. Second, if you're going to direct the both of you to do the Exchanges and stay away from heating it up, then STICK TO IT. Hold steady, be the anchor, dont waver. Dont make excuses, just do it. If you want her to give you her feminine gifts, which all of us men want, then make sure you give your masculine gifts of direction and clarity of purpose. Don't let your male neediness run you around; it won't get you where you want to go.
To summarize: What I do is I keep to a 4-5-6 in a 1-10 scale, 10 being an orgasm. And I relax my pelvic floor, focusing my attention on that part of my penis where it starts, inside my body, the so-called "root" (and women have this too I think, in that they can learn to relax their pelvic floor and benefit tremendously from it during Karezza.)
(treehouse) This is red pill, blue pill situation. You can take the blue pill and get yourself all worked up, proudly rock hard, then enter your girl, pump like mad to make the tension go away as quick as you can, then fall back into a slumber. Rinse and repeat.
Or.. you can take the red pill, karezza. You do this not because you're aroused, but because it's a way to nurture your relationship. Here you gaze into her eyes, you holding her breast, she the base of your penis, get comfortable and relax like this for maybe 20 minutes. Scissors position is best. When she is ready, get her to gently rub some almond oil into her pubic area, and some on your penis. At this point, see if im wrong, some blood will start to flow into your penis. When its about 40-60% insert just the head, and take about 15 minutes to just slowly enter her, all the way, still keeping the eyes connected. Breath and relax without clutching your pelvic floor.
Allow both of your arousals to grow naturally. If you are too hard this will hurt her, she much prefers a 'snakey' penis. You want the tip of your penis to connect with her cervix, and your pubic bones to 'talk'. Move the bodies from time to time but not the penis or vagina, they stay pretty much glued. If one of you starts to wander off, a few little wriggles is enough to bring you back to focus.
As this is a different way to make love, just be aware that your combined self consciousness and past war wounds may make the first couple of times, let's say interesting. You may get all shy. You might actually fall asleep inside her. Believe me this happens, and is all part of a healing process. Try it and see how nice this is.
My guide has been an activity level that doesn't end in orgasm or draw me in that direction, after that anything goes. I think it's the "draw me in that direction", that's really the guiding force.
Here's an analogy, I imagine a lake where the water is calm and still. Down one end is the outlet where the water leaves. The current flowing out here is strong and will easily pull you out of the lake. Out in the middle where the water is still you can sit in one spot, paddle in any direction with little effort, or let the wind slowly drift you around. On the other hand, when you get close to the outlet you have to watch the pull of the water flow so you don't get sucked down stream. If you hang out right in front of the outlet all your effort will be put into vigilance around not leaving the lake. To me this is an effort around "avoiding" something, to make sure something I don't want doesn't happen. I find this takes away the enjoyment of the lake.
With this said, there is an "activity" level at the outlet that can be fun to play with, provided its fun and playful, not struggle or work. Annabelle and I enjoy the current here, not to the point where we are fighting it, but rather playing with it. Feeling the increased current, being drawn in by it then peeling off into the eddies along the shore line. Watching the current pass under our boat, feeling it pull us and spin us around, then move out into the calmer water and feel the stillness. We like this "activity"
I also think playing where the current is strong requires more skill and experience if its going to be fun and playful rather than an experience of concentrated vigilance. When I first started it felt like I was in an inner tube where I could easily get sucked down stream with little control of my situation. Then I seemed to graduate to a canoe, and finally to a long sleek kayak where I can sit in a fairly strong current with little effort and just a few strokes of the paddle here and there.
In my opinion I think its best in the beginning to stay out in the middle of the lake where a couple can relax and drift and not need to "manage" their experience so much. Take some time to get the feel of the non-orgamic territory. If after a "getting used to it" period one feels drawn to the higher arousal of the stronger current, by all means go over there and play a bit. Find the balance of stillness and activity.
In the end, for us, it's really about connection. For whatever reason, maybe just for the play of it, we find the connection stronger closer to the stronger current. Go where you're drawn.... with awareness. Does it increase our connection or decrease it, that's our guide.
There is a form of play we sometimes enjoy when moving in the stronger current where I'm monitoring her arousal level and I take responsibility to keep her from going over the edge. This is a very sweet experience for the both of us as she gets to completely relax and let go into the experience without any self restraint and I get to drink in this extra level of her feminine openness and receptivity. It requires my complete focus on the subtlest of her signals, her breathing, her body language and movement. It's a wonderfully strong play between the masculine and feminine poles, to take and be taken. To be the pilot and take control with the direction to hold a space where she can float free in the liquid experience of receiving with no self monitoring. I don't know if I'm explaining it well and I think of it as a bit of a advanced karezza practice, but it's really quite sweet done right with love and deep affection.
(treehouse) First you have decide which you want. Once youv'e decided not to orgasm the rest is easy. All you have to do is relax. To be specific you have to relax the group of muscles in your pelvic floor. Start by relaxing all of them, and with time youll see which ones affect your excitement levels. Don't clench, keep breathing, and orgasm stays way away.
(Islander) I'm a Reiki master and my late husband was Reiki I. We loved doing full treatments on each other before making love -- such a balanced unconditional love came through with Reiki and we saw each other in higher ways than what regular "world" 3-D living can sort of mask sometimes.