After almost 2 months I am back. I thought that I will be just perfectly fine. And I was, for a while. But I have new experience.
At start of this year I have met a girl and we started to date. I was attracted to her and she was also. And we had sex (it is my first time ever). Everything was quite different then I have expected. Even though we used protection I was enormously that she would get pregnant (the fear is still here because only a three weeks passed). I have imagined that sex is some kind of miracle that would heal all my wounds and sadness but it seems that it is not the sex that I seek it is the love that I try to chase.
After (and few days before) we had sex I have MO to see if everything is working. Later on because I didn't get what I want I started again to PMO. And now I am here now... Because it seems that this place has same magic and help to overcome greatest desires and to become, as I say, clean and free.
But to say, I don't know exactly if it is the PMO or something else (don't know what more can it be) but I was just enormously growing and I was on the wave.
Not I am rolling back down. And I know why. As strange as it sounds, but I have felt the feeling of integrity, of love being here. Someone cared about me, I cared about them and I do. And when I came back to the real life, there was something like: Live for your self. But living just for yourself is so depressing and so not motivating... Because of that I start to sink into desires and in dulling my mind and soul.
So I am back here. And this is DAY 0.