A sudden change in the wind

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Submitted by Louie on
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Tonight a very unexpected thing occured. I was sitting on the couch reading a book while my wife tucked the kids in. When she was done she came down stairs and stood in front of me. I cleared the stuff that was sitting beside me on the couch so she could sit. However, she surprised me by plopping down onto my lap. She smiled at me, and I kissed her, and we kissed for a while.

She told me that she read an article in the paper today about how 25% of married couples report having little or no sex. She said that on one hand, it made her feel better to know that we were not the only ones, but it was also sad. We talked about how tired and run down she has felt for the past couple of years and how it has affected our sex life.

I decided there was never going to be a better time and I mentionned the idea of slow sex. I told her that we had gotten too caught up in the idea that sex required lots of passion and energy and maybe it was time to look at slower and gentler ways to make love. I also told her that making love did not have to mean sex all the time. There was a whole spectrum of things that we could enjoy together.

She thought about it for a minute. She then told me that she has really enjoyed the cuddling we have been doing this summer. She found it very comforting and relaxing. I told her that sex could be like that too. It could be an easy and relaxing kind of thing. She seemed skeptical but did not say anything. I sensed at that point that the seeds had been planted and it was best to back off and give them some time to grow. We changed subjects.

I have been thinking about how best to introuduce the subject of karezza. I never expected to get such an obvious opportunity. Sometimes life hands you a gift.

It feels like the wind has changed directions. We will see where it blows us now.

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*big grin*

Let's hope she gives it a try soon. Remember to take it easy and stop when she wants to at first. She may test you a bit to make sure your brakes work. Wink Once her nervous system relaxes its guard, you can relax into a more spontaneous, mutual style of lovemaking.

So glad for you!

I'm so glad she approached you so kindly and that you two were able to talk aboutthis topic and you could bring up slow sex. It might make her feel better to know that you don't expect her to gyrate on top of you like a party girl, wasting time and energy trying to fake/have orgasms to make you feel better.
When I read The Karezza Method by William Lloyd (on this site under "Wisdom" tab) and saw his emphasis on female stillness and receptivity to the male's energy, I admit I was put off. It reminded me of Victorian marriage advice (close your eyes, lie back, and think of England), but then I realized the intent and mindset was different. Lloyd wanted women not to tolerate, but to welcome the male energy. He wanted the woman to create a space that encouraged self-control and concentration on love, not sexual release and the best way she could do that was by being passive and open.

I think if your wife realized that and you two could let the cuddling and affection lead to you entering her and taking away the expectations of her "performing" for you, she might see that karezza is about giving her energy, rather than depleting it.

Already on it

During our discussion we talked about pressure to perform. It was a very frank and enlightening discussion for both of us. I told her that I understood her resistance to sex often had more to do with what she was willing to commit to rather than any aversion to sex. She was worried that if she committed to cuddle nude then the expectation would be set that sex is going to happen and that I would be upset if she decided she wanted to stop at some point. In the past I have been guilty of having the all or nothing attitude and her natural reaction was to not commit to anything if she could not commit to the full experience. She seemed releived to have that out in the open.

I told her that the best way to get past that was to just commit to spend intimate time together with no agenda for what is going to happen. I pointed out that she had been sitting on my lap for 30 minutes kissing me and I felt no pressure to try and push it further. I was enjoying the experience at this level. I could tell by the look on her face that she was somewhat skeptical that I would really be able to back off at any point. Words only go so far. Sooner or later they neded to be backed up by the proof of action. I am certain that I will be tested on this point.

So good!

I'm so glad to hear that you two discussed that. And the best thing you can do (and you know this) is to back up those words with actions. When she sees that you mean what you say about enjoying the moment over several occasions (and when she sees that you pass her tests), she'll start to trust and open up.

In my marriage and my past relationships, I was pretty good at shutting my partners down when I didn't want to go further. Too good, probably. But we never communicated about what that meant and why I did that.

Again, I'm so happy for you and your wife. Your love and patience and self-discipline are showing results and as she takes these words and ideas into herself, she will start to see the benefits to herself and both of you.