Tantric Love Letters by Diana Richardson

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Diana Richardson is coming out with a new book: Tantric Love Letters: On Sex & Affairs of the Heart. I have just read a preview copy. The letters are from readers and workshop participants about the practice of "cool sex." Some letters recount its remarkable benefits, yet some of the most enlightening are about its challenges.

Richardson's thoughtful, thorough answers are also included where appropriate, and she doesn't shrink from addressing difficult issues.

Here's a sampling of letter titles:

  • Combining tantric sex with conventional sex
  • No feeling and a loss of energy
  • A lot of anger and disgust comes up
  • Pain in the testicles after not ejaculating
  • G-spot and female ejaculation
  • I have never had an orgasm
  • I am missing my ecstasy

Here are some of my favorite excerpts, which offer a taste of the book:

There are two responses in particular that I have heard from people countless times over the years, words that touch me each and every time. Many say that they already ‘intuitively knew’ the information, but they did not trust themselves sufficiently to honor it.

When we understand our sexual selves, we feel more in charge of our lives, more relaxed, more grounded, more centered, more confident.

You start to observe yourself not what is done, but how it is done. And gradually the sex energy is transformed into a meditative energy through this enquiry. It is impossible to drop the conditioning overnight because the patterns are deeply lodged in our psyche and cells....The endeavor and the adventure should be to enter into sex with as much awareness as you can, every time you make love! Not only sometimes. Conventional sex is based more on sensation, and tantric sex more on sensitivity. ...Sensation kills sensitivity, so you will go around in circles.... We are conditioned to be hot and excitement based, so the journey is to transform this pattern slowly, to become cooler and more sensitive. It is only in a cool relaxed environment that the deeper potential of sex can manifest itself in the timeless experiences of bliss and ecstasy.

Tantra is not a set of rules setting out what you can do and can't do, but it's an invitation to do whatever you enjoy, but to do so with heightened awareness. ...My personal journey has been to shift away from goals and expectations, a journey from doing to being. Uncovering the intelligence of the body in the here and now. ...The inner polarity design is...always there, but inaccessible when we are busy doing.

The superficiality in our society around the body and appearance is very sad for humanity. External transient aspects are given emphasis, while the inner eternal qualities are ignored and undervalued....In this sense tantra offers a radical departure point, where one discovers and lives according to inner qualities and values, and especially around body/sex/attraction etc.

Often people get the idea that tantra is a kind of technique that means only stillness and non-movement, but this is incorrect. Tantra is alive and juicy and you will find that movements with awareness are qualitatively different to mechanical ones. Tantra is more interested in awareness and creating love; it is not a special technique.

Each individual who moves into sex in a more conscious way is doing great healing for our beloved Earth.

The book is both frank and rich with practical advice:

[After conventional sex] Women often feel feelings of abandonment, loneliness, or sadness. Men tend to lose interest, disconnect and turn away once they have spent their energy.

Excitement/orgasm in conventional sex usually happens through a build-up of tension, so ultimately it is a type of contraction, and not an expansion. ... If you decide to have an orgasm, see how relaxed you can be in it, how easy, connected and present.

The kind of energy cultivation that I would recommend beforehand would be for you, as man, to begin to root your awareness in your perineum, the male positive pole, something quite simple.

Stay in a cooler zone where ejaculation is not an issue, and if it becomes urgent at any point then you do [ejaculate].

With stimulation of the clitoris you end up going along the excitement track of sex and building up to a climax, and not along the sensitivity track and being more relaxed in the here and now. On the surface it looks like the approach is just a denial of pleasure and orgasm and so on, but it's not. It is more about honoring the intelligence of our bodies and that will involve changing our minds about sex and rearranging how we go about it.

Great if he (and you) can get a massage every week, and both do some exercise immediately before entering bed, or have a shower to freshen up. Energizing yourself before making love is a great support.

Readers will get more out of Tantric Love Letters if they start with the basics in one of Richardson's other books. My personal favorite is Tantric Sex for Men, for its brevity and clarity. However, if you are a woman and are dealing with issues related to shame, abuse or lack of libido, start with Tantric Orgasm for Women

Tantric Love Letters is Richardson at her finest and most concise. It's a compendium of advice about one of humanity's greatest challenges: uncovering the mystery inherent in human sexuality.




If you get the book and figure out which letter is mine, post the page number! (would love to see if you can figure it out!)


It's not a letter I wrote, it's a post I made on this forum that she turned into a letter format (so you probably already saw it!)~~in the foreword, she says there were two "letters" that weren't actually letters, but posts taken from American internet forums~~so one of them is mine and I'm wondering if the other one was also from our forum by any chance?

Also, she changed my original pseudo name to another pseudo name, lol.


Diana contacted Marnia who then asked me for permission to use my words~~I'm not sure how Diana saw my post originally unless Marnia perhaps sent it to her? So I've known my letter would be included in the book for quite some time.

I, too, would love to know about the second letter.

Quizure, you are good, my love!

The other "letter"

was mine. Diana contacted me through Marnia to ask permission to use it and also gave me a pseudonym. Probably something more human than birdlike. Robin might work... I'll have to get the book, too, to see.


Now I'll know to be looking for your letter as I read her book (just started it)~~I bet I can figure it out, too.


Your letter is on page 161.

I have thought a lot about your entry of May 28 on my blog “…you can turn to for friendship and probably energy balancing as well. I think that it is likely that energy balancing happens even in casual contact…” and I believe you are correct. When I am nourished by their feminine energy, I feel healthier and more alive, motivated to exercise and to heal inwardly. And I enjoy contact with other friends, family members and even strangers. I think in the past, when I have been under-fed in this sense, I would naturally tend to turn inward and become anti-social. But in the past couple of years, as I have become more self-aware, I have turned to this more constructive means of meeting my needs.

Tantric Love Letters

Rachel, just got my copy. Was leafing through, and you jumped off page 22. Am I right?

BTW, the immediately following letters of Manuela and Thomas brought a tear to my eye.


You're good, Jesse! Yes, that's my testimony! It's fun to read it because I still feel exactly the same way and I wish I could add more to the story as I've learned so much since I wrote that piece.

And I agree about the letters of Manuela and Thomas...I love the entire book. Diana's responses to some of the letters are so genuine and I learn from them, too. She seems to have been put here on earth to teach.

Tantric Sex for women

I'm so curious as to how her TSW book relates and helps heal shame. I am going to start volunteering at a rape/sex trafficking clinic (doing acupuncture), so I'm wondering if I should read it on their behalf... to assist them in their healing.

Emotions and feelings

Jrenee, her book about Tantric Feelings and Emotions would be a great one for you to read as it teaches you how to deal with past emotions. This book has been *so* good for me and how I deal with "stuff" that come up from time-to-time (and now I know how to recognize that burning sensation that comes up in my chest when an emotion is brewing).