Greetings everyone, I don't know really where to start with this post. I have not had writers block in many years, but this is a difficult topic for me to write about. I have always been perceived as being very solid and not needing to rely on others. I even was once addicted to food and was overweight, but this seems like a much bigger problem. When I was addicted to food I just went cold turkey, I thought I was going to die from the withdraw symptoms, but now I am in must better health. Now, I am tackling this bigger problem. I guess the best place to start with some basic history of how I got into this rut.
I am currently 23 and will be 24 soon. I was raised in the Christian church, I am still very active, and I am a born again Christian. I do my best to live a Christian life, however I have always felt this addiction has always stood in the way of my faith. I do not remember when I first started masturbating; it was probably when I was seven or eight. I did not know what I was doing, but if I lay on my stomach and applied just the right pressure to my penis, I could generate a dry orgasm. I have no idea how I figured this out and I could not orgasm that way anymore, but it did the job. The problem really got started when I was 13. I was lying on the floor doing my thing and I ejaculated for the first time. I was slightly frightened by this because I did not really understand what happened. I knew what sex was, but I was no clear on all the details, like semen.
This new experience peaked my interest and so I decided to go to the internet to figure out what was happening to me. After doing a search, I found more than enough information on the topic and I learned how to masturbate properly. With my newfound information, it was even more pleasurable to masturbate and I could do it more often. Well this information created so much pleasure I decided to go back for more. As I read the information I found myself turned on by the information (just the word masturbation gave me an erection, I was 13!). I eventually ran out of information to read and found stories of masturbation. This turned me on even more than the information. I was turned on by all of the stories, male solo, male-female, and male-male masturbation. As time went on, I become more turned on by the male-male stories because I was more familiar with male anatomy. I will say that I am not gay, the thought of having sex with a man turns my stomach, but the stories turned me on. This went on until I was 16, when an even bigger event happened.
At 16 I got a laptop for Christmas. I had always wanted a laptop (even before I discovered erotic stories) and I did use the laptop for productive work. But, at night my laptop lived by my bed. The frequency of my sessions increased with my new laptop. Soon the masturbation stories were not enough, so I moved to hard-core stories. Again I was turned on my almost all stories (not stories involving children or rape), but again my focus turned to male-male stories for the same reason as before.
At 15-16 I kinda had a girlfriend. We were on and off for many years, but I always liked her. My interest in her started about the time I started becoming really addicted (late 13-14). By the time I was single (16 or so) I had almost completely lost my libido and was not really attracted to anyone. If I hadn't been addicted I would have likely moved on to the next girl, but instead I chose to continue chasing the same girl. When I look back now I realize that it was over, but I felt like I was chasing her out of obligation. I knew I once was attracted to her and since I hadn't experienced attraction since then I continued to chase her.
While I chasing the girl that I knew would not work out, I continued my erotic stories addiction. After I would orgasm, I would feel so bad and swear never to use it again. However, the next night I needed my fix again. This continued for many years, even into my 20’s. I would usually read gay erotic stories, sometimes stories involving animals (yeah, it’s nasty). In my early 20’s the relationship (friendship and all) with the girl I had been chasing finally ended. At this point, I was completely single and had no prospects. My addiction continued at least 3-4 times a week or if I were on vacation, it would be more than once a day. At some point around 21, I somehow ended up in the craigslist personals for m2m. I had no desire to have sex with these men, but the thought of having these men in my vicinity somehow turned me on. It really disgusts me now to think about it, but it’s what got me off.
I had always wanted to stop, but I never really tried until I was late 21/early 22. It was then I decided that I would not look at porn anymore, but still masturbate once a week. I found out quickly that I could not get an erection without the stories or craigslist. I went three weeks at one point, but never was able to stop more than that. I started to feel different when I stopped, but trying to reach an orgasm was never satisfying.
Then, a month ago, I discovered YBOP. I decided that I would stop all PMO. I did successfully until last night when I relapsed. I was feeling great, but I was home alone and the temptation got the best of me. So, today I am starting over, March 16, 2012 will be the first day of the rest of my life. I have realized that masturbation is not normal and throws off my mental balance. My goal is not to get laid or anything. As I stated in the beginning I am an active Christian, so I believe sex is reserved for marriage (I know most will not agree, and that’s fine). My goal is to end this addiction and start dating again.
I have not been on a date for quite some time, I almost felt asexual. I was not attracted to anyone and therefore always got in the “friend zone”. I have two current prospects (from my month long abstinence) and I hope one of them works out. I also plan to spend more time in The Word and reading to fill my time instead of masturbating.
I am sorry for the length of my first post (over 1200 words), but I hope this has brought encouragement to someone in similar shoes. I plan update every couple of days or so with my progress (I promise they will not be this long). My first goal is 90 days, but my real goal is never again to masturbate.
Day 1: I feel like I am coming off a high from last night. I feel angry with myself and maybe slightly depressed because I messed up my progress. Tonight is going to be difficult since I have the house to myself and have nothing major to do. But, this is the first day of the rest of my life!