Day 21 - Three Weeks Now

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I bonded with my girlfriend for 5 hours yesterday (including watching a movie. I didn't practice enough piano, but I came closer to perfecting my kissing. Today, I'm craving porn. I'm missing it. And that's the deal, I think, in my relationship. It's not that my girlfriend is unattractive. She just doesn't compare to porn. And I'm picking on one little detail that's off with her, and if I ever wanted to, we could fix it (she wants to anyway). Other than that, she's beautiful. But I notice other girls who are pretty on TV, and I'm not attracted to them so much, just like I'm not attracted to my girlfriend. And I know in the past I would have loved those girls to be my girlfriends. So, I can see where my work lies. I just never had the courage to give up porn before, because I was afraid I would find the "normal" girls unattractive. But I know that I can have a beautiful, loving relationship with my girlfriend in time. We are getting glimpses of it more and more daily, I think.

The HOCD has really dissipated. Rather naked Richard Gere and young Elvis Presley don't really "arouse" me so much. But it definitely comes back every once in a while, but I can see the difference between attraction and anxiety. I think this is good news. And as my therapist told me, relationship substantiation is closely married to HOCD. So I can see how I'm picking on my girlfriend. It's really crappy on my part. So I guess I am going to steer the course here.

Just want to note, that as our world is in a really precarious state right now, it would be beneficial if at least half the men gave up porn. It would really help stabilize it and make it a more productive, loving place.

Comments

Yes,

we see amazing miracles in guys who give it up. It would indeed be a far different, far happier and more balanced world if you guys were firing on all cylinders...instead of battling all these demons that would have remained small and manageable without the neurochemical effects of overconsumption.

Oh well...you're all learning something really valuable.

I am wondering if other guys

report not finding their girlfriends attractive because of the porn. Like, I have the same feeling that I had when I started date my girlfriend right now, that I love her but she doesn't compare to the porn stars. And even today, I saw a beautiful girl with an amazing ass, and I thought how wonderful it would be to screw her. But, of course, I didn't. But I did find my girlfriend cute before, though when I would see her I'd be disappointed. I wonder how much of this is related to the fact that I was hooked on the porn, and once my brain resettles, that I would appreciate her imperfections. I know many guys have wanted to be with her in the past, and that I have no conception of what is attractive in a woman anymore. I know my brother was with this other girl for a couple of years who he definitely found attractive (he told me so, completely honestly), and I did not see her attractiveness at all. I guess I'm wondering if the porn can really screw up your pathways to the point that you don't know (though I can probably guess at this point).

My girlfriend asks: Can you become so desensitized that your brain doesn't know how to process the other gender's pheromones during porn addiction?

Here I am

I'm the one that was madly in love, totally in the honeymoon phase, very attracted to her, craving sex with her and suddenly (almost overnight) lost all of it. I was masturbating and using porn before meeting her in order to avoid premature ejaculation and just discovered tranny porn. Can't be a coincidence... This is when HOCD started too.

For me,

I really liked my girlfriend from the start, but I found all sorts of defects. It didn't make sense. I let another girl go earlier because her pussy lips were too loose and she didn't totally shave her legs. And I felt bad after orgasm (no surprise now!). I'll tell you, I think the porn did it. When I was a kid, I knew in my mind that I would be happy to have any girlfriend because I would love her for being a great person and a great woman, so long as I had a nice attraction to her.

What really ruined me

Was this:
When hocd and anxiety kicked in i started using more and more porn and deviant fantasies to figure out and test what was wrong with my sexuality. This worsened the situation. I think that if I knew that the problem was porn I could be able to get back in track after few weeks... But 10 years ago I didn't had that information. :(

The chaser itself

from all the hot sex can drive a need for more intense (i.e., "edgy" stimulation). Remember, the culprit is dopamine dysregulation, whether you get there by too much of one kind of stimulation or another. There are no free lunches for some brains, although intercourse is generally less problematic than masturbation.

Chaser article:

Do You Need A Chaser After Sex?

Article about excessive ejaculation:

Men: Does Frequent Ejaculation Cause a Hangover?

This is a great article!

My girlfriend and I plan to start Karezza after 90 days are up. We may improvise as it becomes more clear what's really happening, but that's the general plan. And I hope that I will discover in her what I know is there and what I love in her.

Hi

I have just read a few of your posts (thanks for what you said on my blog by the way). Stick with it you are making progress and it will be worth it.

I can agree with what you and others have said. It rings so many bells. Porn makes you see your partners 'imperfections' and not much else!

If you think about it no-one will match up to porn - you can find whatever turns you on exactly how you want it, the girls all 'want' sex and it's all 'perfect'. Also we can keep looking for more and more 'perfect' as our desires change.

BUT the thing is, none of it is real. What they portray doesn't exist but it will bring out all our insecurities and help us see nothing but imperfection.

For me I would really like my partners libido to match mine (actually I need to turn mine right down and she could turn hers up a bit) When I go on webcam swinger sites I can find real women that have a high sex drive and that meets that 'imperfection'. It's ridiculous because my wife is stunning and these women aren't always!!

However when I don't use them or porn then our relationship improves and her sex drive/attraction to me goes up. Funny that!!

That's why balance

is so important. When you're feeling a sense of lack (which a neurochemical low during recovery from perfectly wholesome sex can even sometimes cause), your reward circuitry's job is to "go find something to fill it." Your perception is literally distorted...but you don't know it. And sometimes you look back at its proposals for getting a "fix" and wonder, "WTF??"

One way to avoid this recurring struggle is to make love karezza-style. Decreases the recurring sense of "lack." But you have to be consistent for a while to integrate the benefits.

Thanks for the kind words

I get glimpses right now of loving my girlfriend, especially when I touch her, but of course all sorts of thoughts go through my head as to whether I love her or not. It's really hard when I am physically attracted to women, but can't find it within myself to love them on a really happy, emotional level. But right now, my brain is doing insane things which are beyond my control as I'm rebooting. I'm sure it will stabilize itself at some point, but some moments are real hell, and other moments aren't hell, but still kind of cloudy.

I'm happy to hear that your wife is enjoying you more when you don't watch so much porn. My partner right now is getting so wet when we kiss and touch, like I've never seen any woman that I've been with. And it makes me so mad that they sell us such cheap shit in pornos! But this is good news for us rebooters! I almost have to tone it down sometimes to not get a headache/dopamine rush. So I hope that your partner can experience the same kind of joy with you as you regain balance.