I bonded with my girlfriend for 5 hours yesterday (including watching a movie. I didn't practice enough piano, but I came closer to perfecting my kissing. Today, I'm craving porn. I'm missing it. And that's the deal, I think, in my relationship. It's not that my girlfriend is unattractive. She just doesn't compare to porn. And I'm picking on one little detail that's off with her, and if I ever wanted to, we could fix it (she wants to anyway). Other than that, she's beautiful. But I notice other girls who are pretty on TV, and I'm not attracted to them so much, just like I'm not attracted to my girlfriend. And I know in the past I would have loved those girls to be my girlfriends. So, I can see where my work lies. I just never had the courage to give up porn before, because I was afraid I would find the "normal" girls unattractive. But I know that I can have a beautiful, loving relationship with my girlfriend in time. We are getting glimpses of it more and more daily, I think.
The HOCD has really dissipated. Rather naked Richard Gere and young Elvis Presley don't really "arouse" me so much. But it definitely comes back every once in a while, but I can see the difference between attraction and anxiety. I think this is good news. And as my therapist told me, relationship substantiation is closely married to HOCD. So I can see how I'm picking on my girlfriend. It's really crappy on my part. So I guess I am going to steer the course here.
Just want to note, that as our world is in a really precarious state right now, it would be beneficial if at least half the men gave up porn. It would really help stabilize it and make it a more productive, loving place.