I woke up just feeling jittery. Lots of nervous energy. It was visible all day. Noticed it when I was meditating this morning, and it just continued. Like, I drove into the shop to get an oil change without realizing to wait outside to get the mechanic like you're supposed to. He was pretty pissed.
I am accepting that I am gay. Though I came home today and my girlfriend says, "What's up, my spike?", meaning that I'm spiking. She could see it. God knows. My brain is in a weird place. But when I'm driving around my city looking at all the handsomeness in the men wearing suits on Park Avenue and purposely ignoring women because of my lack of interest/libido/whatever, I can begin to accept this. That I faked my way through being straight and I've suffered in denial my whole life. I am in pain, but not even so much anymore. I just wish I was straight, but I'm not even caring as much as I used to.
On a similar note, I am beginning to feel a general anxiety like I always used to as a kid. I wonder if that general anxiety has escalated to HOCD, especially with porn. Like I guess there are certain things that trigger it. One of them is that today was the first clear, cool, crisp early autumn day, just the way it was on 9/11, which I was in Manhattan for (just another school day). And I get this anxiety out of the blue, it's usually not specifically tied to a situation like 9/11. So, when I get emotional, I feel like I need male company to hug me and stuff, and that annoys me because I trust men more than women. And I think of a woman's genitals and I'm getting revolted. This f---ing sucks! Idk, I'm not even mourning the loss of this fake heterosexuality anymore. It makes no difference now. Like I realized I was gay and then found HOCD to conveniently deny my gayness, even though I didn't even fit to many of the categories of HOCD, but instead into the gay ones, I think.