Day 33 - Weird/unpleasant

Musician's picture
Submitted by Musician on
Printer-friendly version

I woke up just feeling jittery. Lots of nervous energy. It was visible all day. Noticed it when I was meditating this morning, and it just continued. Like, I drove into the shop to get an oil change without realizing to wait outside to get the mechanic like you're supposed to. He was pretty pissed.

I am accepting that I am gay. Though I came home today and my girlfriend says, "What's up, my spike?", meaning that I'm spiking. She could see it. God knows. My brain is in a weird place. But when I'm driving around my city looking at all the handsomeness in the men wearing suits on Park Avenue and purposely ignoring women because of my lack of interest/libido/whatever, I can begin to accept this. That I faked my way through being straight and I've suffered in denial my whole life. I am in pain, but not even so much anymore. I just wish I was straight, but I'm not even caring as much as I used to.

On a similar note, I am beginning to feel a general anxiety like I always used to as a kid. I wonder if that general anxiety has escalated to HOCD, especially with porn. Like I guess there are certain things that trigger it. One of them is that today was the first clear, cool, crisp early autumn day, just the way it was on 9/11, which I was in Manhattan for (just another school day). And I get this anxiety out of the blue, it's usually not specifically tied to a situation like 9/11. So, when I get emotional, I feel like I need male company to hug me and stuff, and that annoys me because I trust men more than women. And I think of a woman's genitals and I'm getting revolted. This f---ing sucks! Idk, I'm not even mourning the loss of this fake heterosexuality anymore. It makes no difference now. Like I realized I was gay and then found HOCD to conveniently deny my gayness, even though I didn't even fit to many of the categories of HOCD, but instead into the gay ones, I think.

Comments

Oy

I don't think I was near orgasming yesterday with my girlfriend. I did get hard, maybe it boosted my rush. On the bright side, I was somewhat functional during this spike, if it was even that. This is annoying. I will breathe tonight and meditate, go to bed, cuddle, go on. As a newly born gay man Wink Maybe (don't know).

Keep going

Hey Musician,

I think I know what you mean, you get to a point when the gay thoughts just don't cause you very much anxiety like they used to. And so they seem fine and you don't freak out, and so you think they are true and accurate.

But man, I have gay friends, and you really don't sound like a gay guy in the way you're describing this. Just from my own observations. I know that's giving you reassurance, but so be it.

Agreeing with the thoughts and not caring is a good thing. As Marina says, see what tomorrow brings.

ATL

Thanks

I know, thanks for the reassurance even though us HOCD'ers aren't supposed to do that, I guess. I agree, I will wait for tomorrow. It was nice to cuddle a little with my girlfriend tonight, so at least I can be a "gay" man enjoying a cuddle with my boo Wink .

Truth is, my mind is doing some loopy things during this reboot. Withdrawal is a weird one. It's giving me all sorts of weird things. One example is that I've always been a little compulsive when a family member kisses me. I always wipe their kiss off because of some idea of saliva or revulsion. The only people I loved kisses from were girls. On the contrary to my family, I would savor them and keep them almost without wiping them off. Today, I was becoming "repulsed" by my girl's kisses. So, I'm going through weird stuff now. On the contrary, 33 days without PMO seems like a big number, and one I'd like to expand. I'm becoming curious to where it's going to go. Maybe for the better.

I'm sensitive right now in my genital area, and by that I mean my brain. She would by accident touch my actual genitals with her knee, through my shorts, through a thick comforter, and my brain will take off and start craving, spiking, and feeling crazy rushes and stuff. I can tell I'm fragile in my state of mind during this reboot. Us PMO'ers did this to ourselves. But, now that I'm seeing the positives of this reboot too, tomorrow will be interesting. If not tomorrow, then soon.

Way to stick with it. You'll

Way to stick with it. You'll come out just fine. I'm at day 47 and I can honestly say the past week has been great. Before that, it was hit and miss. Sometimes I felt good, sometimes I felt like shit. But the past week has been more consistently good.

I'm and still have HOCD spikes. Not as bad as they were, but still.

Hang in there.

ATL

You don't need to interpret everything!

Good day!

Well I hope you get to sort your feelings out. They are right. You think too much. Have you ever considered the idea that maybe you like looking at those handsome men is because a part of you wants to look hot like them too? Maybe it is your brains avenue on saying that you need to do some taking care of your physical beauty. Have a good haircut, shave, or buy new wardrobe. Maybe you just need a break from the routines of daily living.
Sometimes we do need friends of our gender to understand us, not all can be understood by our partners, that is why best friends are created, someone you who can understand you. Just take deep breaths and sort out what you really want in a relationship. Do you want a girl or a guy.? The answer is when you are not spiked up and stressed

you can do it
stay happy
stay positive
stay in LOVE!

I don't care

care about looking like anyone. I don't need to. A man with confidence is the best look he can wear.

I don't know who I want, because when I don't spike I'm either in love with men or that's actually another spike. Hard to tell. I'm just going to try to let it rest while my mind does loopy things. Because sometimes I'm happy to be with my girlfriend (or any other girl in the past), and that also causes me to spike.