Day 84

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I had a relapse last week. No porn or even pictures. Just watching people with binoculars. It was a big dopamine rush. I did it for roughly a week, a few hours at a time sometimes. Not touching myself while doing it though. Then I masturbated just to test on a different occasion, once to a completely gay fantasy, and the other time I made myself do it to a woman, which felt nice. I don't even know what's going on. So I laid the masturbation to rest about 6 days ago, and I started over. The window stuff I'm on day 4. I put up blinds in my window, and I'm living with myself. Had some pretty crazy withdrawal yesterday, and now I'm living with it.

The window stuff is not as bad as the porn, but the same idea so I quit.

I got on my bike yesterday, and got a major high from it. Man, I think I have an addictive personality.

Here's the thing though, which I don't know if I mentioned: I've been meditating consistently, and without that, I think I would not be where I am today. I would be so stuck in my habits. I meditate 30 minutes, practically every day, and most of the time it's about 40 minutes, or more - when I have the time. It's good to just see things where they are. When I started the reboot, I could barely sit 5 minutes. I think I've calmed down a lot. Taking it one step at a time, I guess.

We have friends over right now. Sometimes I'm not sure if I feel gay or not. It's pretty ridiculous. I just hope my old self comes back. I know that if I was really gay and it wasn't a dopamine rush, I would have known about it since I hit puberty. I will have to continue my recovery.


Yes, of course

Actually, I had some crazy triggers today, but managed to stave them off. In the end, I got rewarded with smiles, socialization with friends, including my girlfriend, and what was in the end a pleasant evening - which hasn't happened like this in a long while. Meditation + porn reboot = good results when you start developing the patience and fortitude to weather the storms.

Triggers began to vanish and love began to return. Nice to see that we are doing just as well as our guests (a couple) who are staying with us, so it seems.

I predict...

You're gonna find lots to love about normalcy. It's surprisingly enjoyable once your brain stops looking for its fantasies. From a post on NoFap:

I'm known as the "unrealistic-high-standards-on-chicks" guy among my friends, yet I hardly score. After 40 days, I'm approaching more girls than ever, not -only- for their looks, but the way they are and what they talk about. Before, girls weren't special. They were "just ok". My brain wanted unrealistic whores, and it's just now that I've realised how many years I wasted chasing fantasy relations instead of being happy with what life was giving me (which, in hindsight, were some of the nicest girls I've met). Yet I continued the useless search…


I think so too

I'm noticing already how good moments begin to feel good. That in those moments, it's not about the image, but the experience, which is nice. Other times, I get crazy dopamine spikes - like when I see an article about gay sex (in the news, I'm not searching consciously for the stuff), and then I crave gay porn or something, but after my spike, I just get angry and possessive. It's a pretty horrible cycle: spike - let it pass - anger - wait until the next spike. The only encouraging thing is the gaps get bigger, and I have more enjoyment from my relationship and the rest of life: which seems to me more like a happy return to normalcy.

I get spikes from anywhere, even thinking about going on this website sometimes. But I try to keep everything in moderation, and stay away from the really bad stuff for now, and possibly forever. It's not that I'm planning to ever porn out again - I just think that at some point the spikey things won't be such a trigger - like an alcoholic who at some point will be able to sit at a dinner table with others drinking wine.

I read something about alcoholics who attend meeting multiple times a day to replace their addiction, and then the therapists there wean them off the meetings. I can see myself doing that with this website too, and in general, all obsessive/addictive things.