Lucky day 13 - Adventure and Insight

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The Miss and I took a foliage-based trip away from city-life, and it was beautiful. A few notes:

I am definitely depressed, but there are windows of positivity. We drove around and had a very nice day. I think a lot of my depression is caused by the fact that we are very close, but there has never been this passion for each other. Not crazy orgasmic passion, but an interested, engaged passion (lust?) in each other's bodies. I feel I have that for other girls, and she has that for other guys. We did cuddle today in the backseat of the car, a little too passionately, but we both feel we're missing that, so no problem, so long as it doesn't go overboard. We didn't orgasm or anything like that, but we are so distant physically, in general, so it's ok. You live, you learn, from going in one direction or another. I edged a pinch, but I am learning to control it before it gets out of hand.

After the foliage and a detour to a famous college campus, which was on lockdown for several hours so we couldn't leave (we never made it to our hike), we drove to buy jars for our home, and we had a heart-to-heart talk, along the lines of "what's the point of buying jars for a home if we don't even know where we are in our relationship?" Our minds were saying a break-up was coming, but our hearts and the tears in our eyes said otherwise. I consider my parents and my grandmother to be wise, and they have hope for us. The Miss says that if we've been together going on 3 years, there is definitely something between us. And my mother has noticed the small victories I have been making in my life. We wound up buying those jars, scented candles, and some potpourri and went home to cuddle and have dinner.

I think the bottom line is that we haven't had that passion for each other. I wind up blaming her reliance on the pill - lack of her sex drive, the shape of her breasts, etc. Those are just excuses. Truth is, I just don't have that lust/passion. I think it's the desensitization the porn caused. I know my sexual self. I believe myself to be a very loving, sexual person. But like the alcoholic, I feel just numb. This numbness can cause depression and lack of presence in all aspects of my life.

I think the solution will continue to be more bonding, touching, healing, and affection. That and exercise, meditation, and living as full of a life as possible. We had a toast after dinner to a new relationship, and to a new sexual life. As I continue to reboot, I will continue to do all of the above, and work through those exchanges. We will need a plan beyond that, as we integrate the affection with the reboot. She has a need for sex, and I have a need to reconnect with her, period. I feel like we can find a balance between those things. Right now, it will be affection, no orgasm or edging, but just love, sweet love. Later, it will possibly (hopefully) be more. And all those things like her appearance are just excuses. Real problems require real action. It's time to continue the fight!

Comments

I probably won the prize

for pursuing passion in my day. It took me a long time to realize that passion is a temporary trick that biology plays to keep us moving to new partners in the false belief that we have "chosen the wrong partner and that things would be different...and passionate forever if we only chose the right one."

You sound like you will also have to learn this the hard way (which is fine). But in hopes of shortening your learning curve, let me point out that scientists have been studying the temporary neurochemical cocktail of passion. Italians have been doing a lot of the research. Its effects are back to baseline within two years.

If, by then, you have not learned to "make up the difference" with daily bonding, such that you get your jollies via a different, but still delicious, neurochemistry...you will move on.

Just know that a variation on the same process will occur again...because it is built into you both. Our book spells this out in detail, but there's a thorough description of the honeymoon neurochemistry phenomenon in this article: Will Orgasms Keep You in Love?

Realistically, you have two choices. Chase those ephermeral, mind-blowing honeymoon neurochemical highs with an endless series of partners until you get discouraged. Or learn to find satisfaction another way, even though it won't offer you that drug-like high.

Just know that the drug-like high is the promise of heaven, but generally fails to deliver for long at all...because it is in fact a drug-like high. So the message you're getting that "all will be well if I just find a partner with whom I feel crazy-passionate" is a very deceptive message.

It is, however, very effective at keeping some of us rolling through relationships indefinitely...spreading genes and heartache in equal measure.

Absolutely fascinating,

Absolutely fascinating, Marina. And makes so much sense.

Also, I think I'd give you a run for your money for the "pursuing passion" prize. I burned through so many "relationships" in my mid-late 20s it's embarrassing. I kept searching for that one that felt "right," and when it didn't, it was on to the next one.

Now, at 32, armed with this knowledge, my own experience, and a wonderful girlfriend, I won't be making the same mistakes.

ATL