The Miss and I took a foliage-based trip away from city-life, and it was beautiful. A few notes:
I am definitely depressed, but there are windows of positivity. We drove around and had a very nice day. I think a lot of my depression is caused by the fact that we are very close, but there has never been this passion for each other. Not crazy orgasmic passion, but an interested, engaged passion (lust?) in each other's bodies. I feel I have that for other girls, and she has that for other guys. We did cuddle today in the backseat of the car, a little too passionately, but we both feel we're missing that, so no problem, so long as it doesn't go overboard. We didn't orgasm or anything like that, but we are so distant physically, in general, so it's ok. You live, you learn, from going in one direction or another. I edged a pinch, but I am learning to control it before it gets out of hand.
After the foliage and a detour to a famous college campus, which was on lockdown for several hours so we couldn't leave (we never made it to our hike), we drove to buy jars for our home, and we had a heart-to-heart talk, along the lines of "what's the point of buying jars for a home if we don't even know where we are in our relationship?" Our minds were saying a break-up was coming, but our hearts and the tears in our eyes said otherwise. I consider my parents and my grandmother to be wise, and they have hope for us. The Miss says that if we've been together going on 3 years, there is definitely something between us. And my mother has noticed the small victories I have been making in my life. We wound up buying those jars, scented candles, and some potpourri and went home to cuddle and have dinner.
I think the bottom line is that we haven't had that passion for each other. I wind up blaming her reliance on the pill - lack of her sex drive, the shape of her breasts, etc. Those are just excuses. Truth is, I just don't have that lust/passion. I think it's the desensitization the porn caused. I know my sexual self. I believe myself to be a very loving, sexual person. But like the alcoholic, I feel just numb. This numbness can cause depression and lack of presence in all aspects of my life.
I think the solution will continue to be more bonding, touching, healing, and affection. That and exercise, meditation, and living as full of a life as possible. We had a toast after dinner to a new relationship, and to a new sexual life. As I continue to reboot, I will continue to do all of the above, and work through those exchanges. We will need a plan beyond that, as we integrate the affection with the reboot. She has a need for sex, and I have a need to reconnect with her, period. I feel like we can find a balance between those things. Right now, it will be affection, no orgasm or edging, but just love, sweet love. Later, it will possibly (hopefully) be more. And all those things like her appearance are just excuses. Real problems require real action. It's time to continue the fight!