I just spent 5 hours edging and then getting off. Here is what I noticed:
First, my penis being too sensitive, then it took all the effort I could muster to get off. I couldn't deal with the chaser. The thoughts were too intense. And I'm seriously into porn which has nothing to do with what I'm into in reality. The good thing is I can see this more clearly, since my HOCD has been in remission. So I'm not panicking. But I'm worried.
I can't deal with my crazy sexual energy. I couldn't hug or make contact with my girlfriend today because I'm sick, and it cost me dearly. Now I'm sure I'll suffer. Ugh. But I have always spent extra time on the computer when I'm sick, because I can't do much else. And lots of time on porn. And I use porn to deal with my anxiety. Then I have more anxiety. Sadly, it doesn't completely go away without the porn. That's probably what I'm not accepting here in giving it up.
Here is what really worries me. My girlfriend told me today I need to make a choice today between porn and the relationship today. And for me, it's a no-brainer (literally). I choose the porn. Easily. I have no interest in the relationship. Too much anxiety. I just need to make it through those first three weeks. Those are so hard. Porn is the easy way out. I love my girlfriend, I think she's absolutely perfect. I just have no interest in her.
There is so much sex everywhere! I can't stand it! On TV, even in the book on piano pedagogy I'm reading - it had a picture of A GIRL! That's what started the whole thing. A fully dressed girl. Goddamnit! I hope it eases. And that I can keep busy. But I feel if I go out, I'll see a girl and wanna screw. See a picture and I'll want to fap. I'd love to detox. Completely. Get this stuff out of my system. But it feels so good, I don't even want to, in spite of the fact my life is falling apart. Crap.
Logically it makes sense to quit. It's not in my heart yet. I hope I don't have to lose her or something else drastic. Man...