I'm posting a day late because I didn't want to post yesterday on such a horrible night. I had a terrible HOCD freakout. But it subsided, kind of like a ship in stormy seas. I really had crazy spikes near my brother, with whom I did things as a teenager.
The way I kind of got out of it was by riding it out. I tried to meditate, realized it was a bad idea, so I began to practice the piano. I got over 1 1/2 hours in today. I still spike like a bastard talking to him. Like I want him so bad. The mind is weird. I also did do checking, but I felt relaxed after. I'm not checking now, which is better. I did allow myself to get turned on by guys if my mind wanted it. So that's my approach. Just let the gay stuff happen. Let the straight stuff happen too. It's hard. I think it also may have coincided with the end of an old orgasm cycle (14 days), which got pushed further by a double orgasm day 8 days ago.
So basically, today I looked at stories of guys and girls, allowing myself to experience whatever it was - gay, straight, bi (also, because I was checking because I needed to alleviate the spikes somehow - it was unfreakingbearable), and I did get a serious erection from reading about a relation with a young boy. That was weird. But then, non-nude pics of guys and girls, and of course the girls are doing it for me. The lesson though, is none of it freaking works! The second I left the computer, I realized that life is not like the computer, so it makes no difference! It's horrible.
Anyway - my week was alright in the beginning - I had some great practice days. I'm getting better, slightly. But I'm not consistent enough due to my state of mind. The end of the week saw many more spikes. I did perform for a friend yesterday, and people commented that it was musical. The relationship is better than it has been before. But it bugs me when I feel my whole body getting aroused hugging my brother and nothing touching my girl's leg. It sucks so bad. Anyway, that's my little update.