Week 6 - Day 32

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So a few things to talk about:

- The practicing has been about the same as the week before. Better than previously, but needs improvement. I had this habit of stopping my practicing almost compulsively to try and look at the windows in the adjacent apartment building across from us. That interfered with my practicing and my relationship. I have since given up the binoculars and am going to recommit to my relationship.

What helped was watching this movie "Sudden Moonlight" with Meg Ryan. The dialogue in that movie was exactly like in our relationship, "you're ugly, I hate you, I'm leaving" - from the guy, when they were previously happy and in love. Then, he wakes up (long story short). And Meg Ryan's actions in that movie are exactly like what my girlfriend would have done (she tied him up to a toilet until they worked they relationship out).

- My girl and I are planning a joint recital for March. I'm starting to learn new pieces, and the old ones are in pretty good shape. Not top notch - I haven't practiced them enough yet, but the old pieces are in very decent shape. Then, I hope to finally have something to bring to this new teacher, when I do contact him. But I'm a little closer to it.

- My girlfriend is getting of the pill this Friday. I already see her moving more sexily, as is this time of the month. I think that will make a difference in our relationship, as I won't need so many outlets, such as looking through the windows with binoculars, looking at porn, or hitting on girls.

- Speaking of which, this rubber band on my hand designed to prevent me from looking at porn is a miracle. It has been so effective so far. It has stopped my porn cravings in my tracks.

- The HOCD was a million times better last week. It's back now. Problem is, I went 10 days without O, and I couldn't keep my dick down. I started fantasizing at nights, and on Thursday I spilled, and on Saturday I spilled, and then my girlfriend wanted me everywhere. I couldn't fight against her without making her angry. And she knows the whole O/passion cycle arguments. So I wound up having a triple O on Saturday, which I know I will pay for. But not having porn or binoculars or whatever I think does help the HOCD process, even after triple O so far. Anyway, I kind of starting accepting myself as a Kinsey .5/1 last week, like any regular straight guy, but what sucks is when you're numb to girls, especially after O, so you think you're turning gay, and your body begins to react accordingly. It's annoying. I hope the solution to this will be when she finds her sexiness, we will both be satiated from karezza (and condoms, or course), and not want to look for much more.

So, those were the highlights of my week.


Rubber band

Just relapsed to naked YouTube videos. Incredible.

I'm glad I don't touch myself with my hand. It makes for much more intense stimulation, then real thing doesn't feel as good. I only hope that as my girlfriend gets sexier, then I'll totally want to touch her, and I'll be sexually satiated through karezza, if that even works. I know after karezza, and we do practice it gently, I get ramped up for days, sexually. Or I get so dull that my HOCD comes back because I'm not attracted to girls like that anymore. I don't know what to do anymore.

That, and I'm getting so horny I keep O'ing every other day now. Eesh.

Glad to hear about that rubber band

Different things work for different people. Do you think that might be especially useful for OCD types? You guys are so conscienscious.

Glad to hear about the upcoming duets. It sure sounds like you're making progress...in your own unique way. Just don't let any upcoming ripples throw you off.

Remember: a hangover after sex is not unusual. It can make your partner look "blah" and novel or anxiety/buzz-producing stimulation look hot. This doesn't mean you're "turning ANYthing." It just means your equilibrium is not yet restored.

Those spikes are high dopamine, as you know. They seem to be an effort of a brain, desperate for dopamine, to get some...whatever goose chase it has to send you on.

Here's some fascinating research in which researchers were able to immitate this high dopamine with drugs in rats...and condition them to samesex preference. The limbic system hasn't changed all that much since our common ancestor with rats. The same thing has happened inadvertently to humans who took Parkinson's drugs. I just wrote about this in our most recent PT post:

Sexual conditioning - Animal models are demonstrating that high-arousal states (produced by drugs that mimic dopamine) can alter an animal's sexual behavior—even to the point of changing his apparent sexual orientation. Today's highspeed porn encourages overconsumption as never before, and overuse appears to keep dopamine surging to the point of dysregulation in some users. Sure enough, some users are reporting escalation to erotica that doesn't match their sexual orientation. Interestingly, Parkinson's patients who have been prescribed drugs that mimic dopamine also report unexpected sexual tastes and fetishes.


It should be obvious how relevant this is to porn addicts who develop HOCD....


This is real interesting

On a related note, I had a bombshell realization today - and I'm going to root it in more traditional psychology, but I think this totally makes sense. Hopefully, this will allow me to draw conclusions for my behavior going forward.

Lately, I haven't been that good avoiding PMO. Some days better, some days worse. Lately, my girl has gotten off the pill, and the results are already nice. I feel our relationship getting better. So, I realized that I have an exclusivity to watch teen porn - rather young. I was almost afraid that I had become or really was a ephebiphile/hebephile. But this pattern started late, when I was 16. This young girl, about 12 or 13, fell asleep on our couch and I tried to touch her, unsuccessfully, fortunately. But I got off on this for many months. For me, it was a power play. I had had really low self-confidence as a kid, and this free chance to "get some" was my chance. Girls had rejected me over and over, and I was upset. I needed love. This was my way, which was better than nothing. It felt great. So when high-speed internet came around (maybe in my early 20s), I discovered all these teen sites. This was my chance to relive my childhood dreams!

Thing is, I had grown up with regular adult models, and valued forming relationships. I have a student who's now almost 12, and I've had disturbing fantasies and hypersexual urges to touch her. But thank god for my girlfriend, who has shown me what I've really wanted since I was a kid - a real relationship with a real beautiful woman - something that quite frankly would be intensely creepy and disgusting in reality. So I realized, that in large part, my porn addiction to teens was fueled by this power play and my chance for victory over rejection by my peers and by girls, as perverted as that is. Kind of like the BDSM people Norman Doidge writes about.

I realize that this is a conditioned behavior, and I thank God for this little girl who helped me to realize that before I did anything disgusting. I'm happy to remember how much relationships mean to me, and I think I will be happy not to reinforce my behavior with teen porn, though I crave it a lot now because of that fantasy. I think now it will be important to repave old pathways with gold now, and not neglect them anymore. I'm also scared of the cravings and urges, but I know that I did it to myself, and I'm happy I came to the realization of how this fantasy was what fueled all the teen fantasies and porn. And now, I need to put my focus into my relationship and karezza and love instead, because that was my ultimate dream in the first place, and this teen stuff was a dark deviation in my life. It felt sadly hypersexual, but never meaningful. And I want meaningful now.

Quick question, and I'm even scared to ask: Is there a cure over the BDSM stuff by replacing it with healthy relationships instead? Because I remember that there wasn't really a cure for that, by reading that chapter from Norman Doidge. Like the cravings would go away and I would be a happy, healthy person, by being in touch with my feelings and valuing my relationship, the way I always imagined. Or am I going to be a messed up, perverted criminal my whole life (though I haven't committed any crimes).]

I also want to mention that sexually, I'm still infinitely more attracted to mature, adult women more than anything else. I'm just scared about the psychology behind all this.

Depends on whom you ask and your individual brain

Many sexologists blur the line between sexual orientation and sexual tastes, and insist both are immutable.

However, that's not what people here experience.

The key to whether conditioned sexuality can "change back" seems to how firmly the the new conditioning took root. Age (critical windows of development) and consistency of conditioning matter. Most of all, it matters whether one's sexuality developed strongly before one began the new conditioning.

As for you, if you're still watching any porn, you are playing with fire. This is because of its effects on your brain (desensitization, strengthening associated addiction pathways, decreases in executive control), quite apart from the risks of what you're watching. Not sure what part of this you still don't get. Wink

Here's a new audio program that can help you master your triggers: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6XW7nI6_mmE

I hope

I will make the changes necessary. I read that people who develop empathy with their victims (even in fantasy I guess), will understand the value of the adult relationship and those cravings will go away, or at least be treated/more manageable, I guess. I know I am still sexually more attracted to adult women. As for porn, yes. Haha. I get it. That is fire. I need to re-embrace my relationships. That on its own decreases my cravings for porn. Even when I watch, I'd much rather be with my girl. So, I think I'm on the right track. I want to quit, eventually get rid of my hypersexuality fortunately, and come back to earth and be thrilled with the lucky relationship I have.

Quite honestly,

you sometimes sound more interested in rationalizing watching than quitting. I'm thinking this might not be the ideal forum for you until you get serious about cutting out the porn.