So a few things to talk about:
- The practicing has been about the same as the week before. Better than previously, but needs improvement. I had this habit of stopping my practicing almost compulsively to try and look at the windows in the adjacent apartment building across from us. That interfered with my practicing and my relationship. I have since given up the binoculars and am going to recommit to my relationship.
What helped was watching this movie "Sudden Moonlight" with Meg Ryan. The dialogue in that movie was exactly like in our relationship, "you're ugly, I hate you, I'm leaving" - from the guy, when they were previously happy and in love. Then, he wakes up (long story short). And Meg Ryan's actions in that movie are exactly like what my girlfriend would have done (she tied him up to a toilet until they worked they relationship out).
- My girl and I are planning a joint recital for March. I'm starting to learn new pieces, and the old ones are in pretty good shape. Not top notch - I haven't practiced them enough yet, but the old pieces are in very decent shape. Then, I hope to finally have something to bring to this new teacher, when I do contact him. But I'm a little closer to it.
- My girlfriend is getting of the pill this Friday. I already see her moving more sexily, as is this time of the month. I think that will make a difference in our relationship, as I won't need so many outlets, such as looking through the windows with binoculars, looking at porn, or hitting on girls.
- Speaking of which, this rubber band on my hand designed to prevent me from looking at porn is a miracle. It has been so effective so far. It has stopped my porn cravings in my tracks.
- The HOCD was a million times better last week. It's back now. Problem is, I went 10 days without O, and I couldn't keep my dick down. I started fantasizing at nights, and on Thursday I spilled, and on Saturday I spilled, and then my girlfriend wanted me everywhere. I couldn't fight against her without making her angry. And she knows the whole O/passion cycle arguments. So I wound up having a triple O on Saturday, which I know I will pay for. But not having porn or binoculars or whatever I think does help the HOCD process, even after triple O so far. Anyway, I kind of starting accepting myself as a Kinsey .5/1 last week, like any regular straight guy, but what sucks is when you're numb to girls, especially after O, so you think you're turning gay, and your body begins to react accordingly. It's annoying. I hope the solution to this will be when she finds her sexiness, we will both be satiated from karezza (and condoms, or course), and not want to look for much more.
So, those were the highlights of my week.