120 days - Still not cured, but goal met!

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Submitted by Natsuki on
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GOAL OF 120 DAYS MET.

I made it! I can't say I'm where I hoped I would be at this point, but this journey was incredibly hard and I *still* managed it. It's been worth all the struggle. At this point I think it's safe to "test" things out with my boyfriend when I see him next week. If I don't experience a chaser effect I will consider myself almost cured. In all honesty, I'm a bit nervous, dare I say afraid to find out how it's going to be. I have to experience orgasm again eventually. It's been 4 months with no relapses. It's time again... :)

Fear and worries aside, I wonder what a real orgasm with a partner will be like. It's exciting to think about. While heavily using porn I was only able to have 2 very very weak orgasms each on separate occasions from somebody besides myself. That's all I've experienced with anybody else. During this time I also had to rely on very heavy porn/fetish fantasies and concentration. I can't wait to experience real arousal and real orgasms with a real person. An amazing person at that.

I'm still struggling with libido and I still seem to only have a strong enough libido while at two very short parts of my menstrual cycle where it used to be every day or nearly every day (of course ovulation and right before my period.) It's about 5 or 6 days total a month. That concerns me, but I feel like other factors many be contributing to a low sex drive. I have other concerns as well, but I don't think I should concentrate too much on those. It's a happy day. :)

I may struggle with staying porn free still, but porn will stay out of my life now. There is no use going back. I did say I would stay away from masturbating ever again. I'm still unsure if that's a good idea as of right now. My bf and I sometimes go 3-4 months without seeing each other. Does anybody have any opinions on that? For now, I'm just going to concentrate and look forward to next week. I'm not yet ready for sex, but I will know when I am.

Counter is still going until anything happens or doesn't happen?...

Comments

wow, congratulations!

that's a great achievement, 120 days.

My thoughts on your questions, O Brave Explorer...

I would for sure stay away from porn and triggers. It's a constantly vigilant process, always alert. Just notice in movies, commercials, even in the mail, how something kinda sets of a minor dopamine rush. Just notice. Notice. And that will be your guide from now on to avoiding porn and anything that might lead back to porn and porn fantasy.

Masturbation...that is a different beast. You might schedule it for, say, once a week. Or, you might forgo it altogether. Why? I'm not sure why. It may help you build up libido and drive, or it may have the opposite effect. I just don't know. I suggest you experiment.

As for libido...two observations. One, you are still in reboot mode. It can take months to get "normal" again. And second, libido is not an abstraction. It is present in my opinion when you interact with potential sex partners. Without that interaction it's difficult to judge how much / little libido you really have. At least that's my experience, but then I'm a guy and it may not be true for women. But I suspect there is truth in it.

Finally, have you thought about trying Karezza for a bit? It is *so* wonderful, the feelings are so deep, and arousal and libido don't really have a lot to do with it.

I am still a virgin so I

I am still a virgin so I haven't given much thought about trying Karezza until recently. It's suggested a lot to me and the benefits seem wonderful. I'll look into it more once I actually have actual sex. Still keeping my fingers crossed that I'm just in "reboot" mode like you say. Thank you Emerson. ^_^

And

Ditto all the above. Dianne Henderson's answer to both your questions is its all about intention. If you either M or have sex and its hot, rushed, involves lots of clenched muscles and holding of breath, and its all over in minutes, then she would say that you've gone astray.

OTOH, if either is done slowly, ie takes at least 30 minutes, preferably 60mins. Involves observation of your body, some good breathing, and a relatively relaxed body, then whether you O or not afterwards is pretty much irrelevant.

Enjoy!

I'm SOOOO proud of you

Let us know what you feel when you connect.

It's hard to sort out "libido" from "cravings." I think that what you felt "all the time" was cravings. Libido is an alive feeling that isn't quite so...demanding.

I can't wait to write up my first female rebooting account for YBOP! But I'll wait until you have sex with your partner so we can include that too. (Not to put any performance pressure on you or anything. Wink )

Well done!

Hi Marnia,

Hi Marnia,

What I meant about "all the time" was before the addiction, so it wasn't cravings but actual libido. I miss those days. They were great and I really took it for granted. x.x

There's something I'd like to talk to you about... if I get the courage I will send along a PM. I appreciate all the encouragement you always give me and everyone else here.

natsuki

i totally understand what u mean about your natural libido. i wonder if that was my natural libido all those years of fantasizing and jerking off to porn, or maybe they were too high of dopamine levels for all of us?