finally at day 100. A lot of positive progress has been made in the past 100 days. I am truly a new person in terms of social skills and extroversion. I can't say that i have had any anxiety recently either. I'm starting to realize the difference between nervousness and anxiety. anxiety cripples you, while nervousness just prepares you. After suffering from anxiety, i hardly even feel when im nervous. its like the donut analogy in baseball, when you practice with all that weight on your bat and suddenly you lose it, you feel like the bat weights nothing. saturday i have to give a speech in front of a lot of people i dont know. while i don't want to do it, im not anxious about it. 100 days ago the idea of this would have haunted me for weeks. Also havent had anxiety when talking to any girls. maybe again just that nervousness but it goes away after i just start talking. have felt a lot more natural and genuine too. The little things people do to get on your nerves don't bother me as much either. in the past that stuff would drive me insane. now i just think "why would they do/say that" think about it for a few mins and just shrug it off. I also feel like I walk with this whole new posture. it happens naturally; its just my standard way of walking now. when i speak, i really couldnt care less about who is in the area. i just talk as if its just me and the other person in the room. Idk if this applies to anyone else, but 100 days ago, I had this weird fear/paranoia that everyone was staring at me when i talked, and that they would think i was weird. this obviously made me very awkward when i talked. There have been times where i might feel a little insecure for whatever reason, but once I start talking, the confidence in my voice just drowns out my insecurities. I love talking to other people and showing of my newfound confidence. For someone who has been anxious and awkward for my entire teenage/postteenage life this is just so awesome.
I had 1.5 wet dreams last night. I say 1.5 because I definitely had 1, where i thought i relapsed where i was sleeping, but woke up with jizz in my boxers and realized that it was a dream. it was very confusing because I was half asleep so i wasnt convinced it was a dream for a while. the other .5 was the same situation. i thought i was relapsing where i was sleeping. In my head there was an extreme sense of pleasure just like when i was addicted to porn edging. when i woke up, there wasnt any jizz anywhere tho. there was some small stuff that might have been left over or maybe precum. really a weird/confusing night.
i take it that my body is still in the process of recovering because I had 2 o's manually last week, so therefore my body does not need to release yet. i look at this as a good thing if I can continue to improve. it might have been the increase in fantasy recently. with the return of my libido, i can't help but fantasize here and there. no crazy porn fantasy, just small, natural, stuff- that- could -be -on- tv-fantasy when im sitting by myself not really doing anything. was hard a lot of the time with these because i can pretty much get hard just by thinking about sex. I do my best to still ignore these but they can be pretty tricky. its a lot harder than it was when i was flatlining.
i don't feel anxious, but im a little down today. I don't have that super testoserone feeling and i feel mellowed out. not really in a good way though, more of a i-kinda-want-to -be-left-alone type of way ( which is why i am blogging now). hopefully it will fade away as the day goes on. this happend yesterday to where i wasnt feeling very social, and then all of a sudden i snapped out of it and was lively and having a great time. [later in the day]-->
bad feelings left, im posting this part at night and felt very extroverted after the mild orgasm hangover left. <---
Im not done rebooting even with these positive results. idk when ill stop posting and such, but i want to keep going. I also want to note that i didn't stop seeing women as sex objects until around day 90 or so, which gives even more of a reason to reboot for more than 60 days. i understand that some people might only need 60 days, but reading about a lot of people who saw changes in perception after a few weeks began to worry me. I began to wonder if maybe some of my problems were not related to pmo, in which case my search for the cause of my problems would continue. forunately i stayed with the reboot and saw results. It really is amazing, i never knew my perception of normal things could be so warped. I didn't even think hard drugs had that effect, let alone PMO, which is something that males openly talk about all over the world.
Another intesteting thought i had is that i am actully glad that i suffered from Porn induced ED. If i had not suffered from it, i would have never started googling things about ed causes, and i would have never stumbled upon this community. The other changes that i have had are literally a dream come true. Without this site, i would have just accepted the fact that i suck around women, and that the 11 year old me was better with girls than the 22 year old.
That being said i just want to give another thanks to Marnia, Gary, and the other people who've rebooted before me and who are rebooting with me. in hindsight, without this community I would truly have been fucked. i problabaly would have never stopped PMOing, and would never have had the potential to have normal or romantic relationships with women. That is how high my anxiety around women had become.
keep up the good work guys.