day 113

Submitted by needhops on
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going pretty well as of now. i moed last friday and have been actully feeling better than before i moed. i am going to keep an eye out for something though. i noticed both times after i had a minor pmo relapse while drunk i felt fine, but a week later felt liek shit. im going to see if it is just moing, or if it was a result of porn. hopefully it is just a result of porn.

I have the house all to myself for almost 2 weeks...this is a major trigger for me. this is the main reason i wanted to blog. In the old times i woulda got a bag of pot cigs and looked at porn all day. its kinda funny because since that all isn't really a part of my life anymore aside from the occasional joint here or there, having the house to myself isnt that great. It doesnt really change my life that much.

been cutting of more and more fantasy. i feel like even fantasy that is not sexual is counter productive because it is replacing the real thing for something artificial. it also creates a false sense of self idealism that i feel that i have to live up to. i realize now that this may be another cause of low confidence . its probably a parallel to porn in that your brain has to learn to find sources of pleasure in realife instead of this fantasy world that i have created. its pretty nuts when i think that a lot of my sources of pleausre at one time in the past were all things that arent real, like fantasy, porn fantasy, and porn. I read somewher that the imagination can be both a great and a bad thing. my goal is to make it something that can be productive for my life.