Sitting at day 74. For those who don't know my situation, its this: porn isn't a problem any more. The last time I watched porn was September 7th. What became a problem for me is what I call "escort viewing", the process of looking up escorts, which is basically the same thing as porn to my brain. I quit all MB and escort viewing 74 days ago. It's been quite a ride, the ups and downs have been crazy. I've had days where I felt like I was king of the world, only to have days with bad depression and worthlessness follow. Anyway, during this time, my libido wasn't really there. It would show signs, but only at 40-60%. 3 days ago, I had a WD, and it was come back in a big way since then. I have found myself thinking about sex A LOT. I actually had another WD last night too. On top of that, morning wood is super strong, and my penis looks to have gotten big again. I feel pretty confident and have been able to trust my own instincts a lot better as of late.
I definitely have noticed an increase in fantasy the past couple of days though. They all involve sex/sexual acts, but its always me having sex. They are also with real people. Part of me worries about this, but part of me also realizes that this is a natural thing that people do. I also haven't had any negative side effects since this picked up, so thats a good thing. I also think back to high school, where I would MB a lot to fantasy, and it never seemed to effect me that badly. I remember this one time where I flirted with the best looking girl in my school all day for one class and I came home and MB'ed multiple times to the thought of having sex with her. I came in the next day and felt fine and could still talk to her. I wasn't aware of the effect porn had, but there were times where I would feel socially disconnected, and there's a good chance I was watching porn during this time. I try to avoid fantasy altogether, mostly out of fear, but this leads me to believe that its not so bad. A lot of the fantasy involves more vanilla themes, like being out with a girl or kissing her for the first time. I've had fantasy in the past that essentially crippled me for a day or 2, but that hasn't been the case here. I think the other fantasy was very porn-like, while this isn't, so perhaps there really is a difference.
I also have to say, I don't think that MB is a natural act. I have had no desire to MB, just for sex. One would think that if it were truly natural, my desire of it would come about naturally, but that hasn't happened at all. I don't even think about it anymore, and my life is a lot better without it.
Anyway, I could absolutely get hit by some depression any day now, giving how the last 74 days have gone, but with this surge of libido, I sort of feel like I might be at the point where I see some stability. I've been hitting the dating scene pretty hard, and while i've made a TON of personal strides, I haven't seen much results. I decided to take a break for a while because it was starting to get overly stressful and I felt like I was starting to work of others validation, but after finals, i'm going to start back up again. There is one girl, who is essentially my dream girl, or so it seems, that I have known for a while that I may ask out. We have a professional relationship, so thats been between us for a while, but it ends in 2 weeks. I feel like she likes me back, so barring any external restraints, like her having a bf, I feel like she would say yes. That being said, i'm going to play the next 2 weeks by ear and see how they go.
Any thoughts on fantasy or anything else I wrote about are definitely welcome. Thanks for reading.