Have been doing well since I got myself on track. Been super busy and haven't even thought about indulging for a minute. I am also able to start working out again, so that always helps. I also spent a ton of time outside the house and went places I haven't really been before. I also decided that I am taking a break from alcohol for a little. I figure that i'll start again at some point in the future, but I want to moderate my drinking to the point that i'm never really drunk, but rather just tipsy but still in control.
Just an update on my situation... I went on a 135 day streak from october to march (?) where I watched no porn and MO'ed occasionally. I then watched, but did not MO on the 135th day and had another streak going where I didn't count the days. During the past year, since about August, I have chosen to NOT date women because I had some issues to work out first. I definitely don't regret my choice because it was actually great for myself, and I actually enjoyed it. I realized I cared to much about what others thought, so I needed to take sometime to focus on myself.
Yesterday I got home from spring break. I didn't watch porn, but I feel into some habits that mimicked my old porn addiction. I sort of went out of control with it. Being home alone was just a huge trigger I wasn't ready for. Anyway, in the past day I feel like I lost the ability to MO to touch. It could be because i'm having some anxiety about it, or am trying to hard and have expectations, but it really bummed me out. I have no sort of porn cravings whatsoever, but I feel like what I did yesterday really screwed me over.
Things still going fine. No desire to watch porn, i've really lost interest. I've been MOing about twice a week, and would like to take a break again. I'm gonna try to go for at least a month. When I MO, I don't really have any bad feelings afterwards, but I feel like holding of helps with things like weight lifting and just my overall energy. I feel like I "get in to trouble" when I start masturbating. I get some chaser and it seems to drive me crazy.
Yesterday morning I was feeling miserable and was just lying in bed. I was feeling bad partially because I had watched porn (without masturbating) the day before and was just feeling down on myself because of it. I started fearing all of the old symptoms. i decided enough was enough and got out of bed after having a nice long meditation session. I was busy all day, and had practically forgotten about the relapse. Today was more of the same. Very busy all day. It feels good.
feels pretty shitty to write "day 1" a day after I wrote "day 135" Luckily, I'm not feeling to many bad effects from the porn yesterday. I'm trying to be gentle on myself but I can't help but kick myself for giving in. I should have just MO'ed to touch before I watched, instead of after.
So on day 135 I finally caved. It was interesting though. I started watching porn and the first thing I thought was "this video's not doing it for me". So I switched to a different video ( I know, this is really bad). Anyway that video wasn't doing it either. So I tried another one. I only watched each video for 10-20 seconds max.
Whoa! just had some really bad porn cravings out of nowhere for the past 2 days. I got pretty drunk this weekend, a little more drunk than I generally like to get, and felt like crap yesterday and today. My body craved stimulation and wanted to medicate itself with porn. Did some meditation but wanted to post and i'm gonna run myself to the gym.
Things still going well. I was extremely horny on sunday and decided to MO. I think I held off for 2 weeks. It was an extremely satisfying experience. No problems afterwards with depression, anxiety, or confidence. No chaser either. It was not like last time, where I went into a depression for a few days. I think that was the product allowing some fantasy to slip into the session that made it miserable. This time I had no problem.
Having some random porn cravings here and there but they come and go. I can go a 1-2 weeks with none, and then just get them all week all of a sudden. I haven't been able to get to the gym, so maybe that is why... I will definitely get there today.