Pretty happy to get to 120 days of no porn and limited masturbation/fantasy. At some point this week I stopped thinking about counting days. I think this is a pretty good sign because I haven't even thought of watching porn AT ALL. I will always put on SelfControl when I drink just to be safe, but i'm confident ill stay away. I remember being close to a relapse a week or 2 ago, but since, I haven't had any desire to masturbate or watch porn. When I get horny, I almost just think of real girls.
Woke up this morning feeling really horny. There was a ton of fantasy that I tried to keep canceling out. I decided to MO. I felt fine after, and I was actually relieved. However, like 1-2 hours later, I got hit with some depression and mild anxiety. It feels pretty terrible. I had none before the MO session. I also got hit with some chaser. For the past 2-3 weeks, i've let masturbation creep back into my life, and even though I only did it once a week, meaning it didn't escalate, i'm going to cut it out again. It offers some relief to the horniness, but its not worth it.
Things continue to improve in general. At day 90 I thought things were good, but they just keep getting better. I think emerson said something about this, like how if we stay away from porn, more connections in our brain will form as the porn ones fade. I can attest that this is true. No porn cravings recently, and I've done a pretty good job staying away form fantasy and being in the moment. Still going to SelfControl my computer when I go out though.
Woke up today horny with some cravings, and fantasy was tough to avoid. I decided to MO again. I am feeling a some general anxiety 2-3 hours later. I had stopped MO for 40 days or so, but did it once for the past 2 weeks. I'm going to try and start abstaining again. I don't really feel all that bad, but I just like holding of. I feel like i'm at my best without MO. One cool thing is that I feel like my penis is just getting bigger and bigger. I saw it increase in size when I started no PMO, but now its even bigger. Pretty cool benefit.
At this point i'm just checking in. Things still going well, but there haven't really been any noticeable changes. Made a conscious effort to avoid fantasy in the morning, and that generally makes my day better. It can still be difficult on some days. Today I had some porn/fantasy urges, but they weren't that strong and I wasn't seriously thinking of relapsing. I'm going to the gym soon so that should help. I still use the SelfControl app when I drink. I definitely recommend using this if you are someone who happens to relapse when you drink.
very glad to have avoided yesterday's close call. I spent the remainder of the day doing hw and hanging out with friends. I did some meditation when I got back. Today, I got myself to the gym and did some meditation. I am going to get through some hw tonight too. I also feel fine after the MO. I have some light general anxiety today, but I also still feel really confident. I am still experiencing some porn cravings, but I think i'll get through them just fine. I felt like I dodged a bullet yesterday and feel like it would be dumb to just mess that all up.
whew! very close to a relapse. All sorts of rationalizing about how good we've done, just one time ect. I literally was on the video, and for some reason when the video started, I just snapped out of it and was like I can't do this. I just started thinking of the consequences and what this would mean for me once I left my room, ie the social anxiety, brain fog, depression, mini panic attacks, lack of personality/feelings. I did MO for the first time in like 40+ days. It was to touch and I don't feel bad about that, although its not something I plan on doing anytime soon.
Back at school. Overall, feeling pretty good again. The effects of last weeks fantasy have worn off. Any ill effects from the WD I had over the weekend have gone to (although I can't really say that there were any). If anything, I actually felt a little better after the WD. Had to introduce my self in one of my classes, and that went better than I can remember in the past, especially the one time I had to do it last semester. I felt nervous, but confident that I would do fine, as a pose to last semester where I was nervous and scared that I would screw up somehow.
Well, after a year of trying, I have finally put together a string of 90 days. It has also been about 32 days I believe since I quit masturbating. Any type of O is from wet dream or sex. This 90 days is a little tainted because of my fantasy episode 2 days ago, but I feel like i've bounced back pretty well after a rough day 88. I'm a little disappointed because I was really doing great before having that morning fantasy, but I'm trying to accept these little set backs. It does my no good being a perfectionist. It's also made me more appreciative of quitting porn/fantasy.
fantasizing yesterday definitely had some bad effects. I went out with my friends last night, and was socially just out of it. I didn't feel very confident, and I felt like I was kind of forcing myself to talk. It wasn't natural at all This morning I woke up and knew right away I couldn't start fantasizing. There is something about fantasizing thats similar to porn in that it reinforces in my mind that I need to have a gf. It's like i can't be content or happy by myself, and I think thats a very unhealthy mindset. it sets you up to be needy.