needhops's blog

re-reboot day 120

Submitted by needhops on

Pretty happy to get to 120 days of no porn and limited masturbation/fantasy. At some point this week I stopped thinking about counting days. I think this is a pretty good sign because I haven't even thought of watching porn AT ALL. I will always put on SelfControl when I drink just to be safe, but i'm confident ill stay away. I remember being close to a relapse a week or 2 ago, but since, I haven't had any desire to masturbate or watch porn. When I get horny, I almost just think of real girls.

re-reboot day 112

Submitted by needhops on

Woke up this morning feeling really horny. There was a ton of fantasy that I tried to keep canceling out. I decided to MO. I felt fine after, and I was actually relieved. However, like 1-2 hours later, I got hit with some depression and mild anxiety. It feels pretty terrible. I had none before the MO session. I also got hit with some chaser. For the past 2-3 weeks, i've let masturbation creep back into my life, and even though I only did it once a week, meaning it didn't escalate, i'm going to cut it out again. It offers some relief to the horniness, but its not worth it.

Re-reboot day 111

Submitted by needhops on

Things continue to improve in general. At day 90 I thought things were good, but they just keep getting better. I think emerson said something about this, like how if we stay away from porn, more connections in our brain will form as the porn ones fade. I can attest that this is true. No porn cravings recently, and I've done a pretty good job staying away form fantasy and being in the moment. Still going to SelfControl my computer when I go out though.

re-reboot day 107

Submitted by needhops on

Woke up today horny with some cravings, and fantasy was tough to avoid. I decided to MO again. I am feeling a some general anxiety 2-3 hours later. I had stopped MO for 40 days or so, but did it once for the past 2 weeks. I'm going to try and start abstaining again. I don't really feel all that bad, but I just like holding of. I feel like i'm at my best without MO. One cool thing is that I feel like my penis is just getting bigger and bigger. I saw it increase in size when I started no PMO, but now its even bigger. Pretty cool benefit.

re-reboot day 105

Submitted by needhops on

At this point i'm just checking in. Things still going well, but there haven't really been any noticeable changes. Made a conscious effort to avoid fantasy in the morning, and that generally makes my day better. It can still be difficult on some days. Today I had some porn/fantasy urges, but they weren't that strong and I wasn't seriously thinking of relapsing. I'm going to the gym soon so that should help. I still use the SelfControl app when I drink. I definitely recommend using this if you are someone who happens to relapse when you drink.

re-reboot day 100

Submitted by needhops on

very glad to have avoided yesterday's close call. I spent the remainder of the day doing hw and hanging out with friends. I did some meditation when I got back. Today, I got myself to the gym and did some meditation. I am going to get through some hw tonight too. I also feel fine after the MO. I have some light general anxiety today, but I also still feel really confident. I am still experiencing some porn cravings, but I think i'll get through them just fine. I felt like I dodged a bullet yesterday and feel like it would be dumb to just mess that all up.

re-reboot day 99

Submitted by needhops on

whew! very close to a relapse. All sorts of rationalizing about how good we've done, just one time ect. I literally was on the video, and for some reason when the video started, I just snapped out of it and was like I can't do this. I just started thinking of the consequences and what this would mean for me once I left my room, ie the social anxiety, brain fog, depression, mini panic attacks, lack of personality/feelings. I did MO for the first time in like 40+ days. It was to touch and I don't feel bad about that, although its not something I plan on doing anytime soon.

re-reboot day 94

Submitted by needhops on

Back at school. Overall, feeling pretty good again. The effects of last weeks fantasy have worn off. Any ill effects from the WD I had over the weekend have gone to (although I can't really say that there were any). If anything, I actually felt a little better after the WD. Had to introduce my self in one of my classes, and that went better than I can remember in the past, especially the one time I had to do it last semester. I felt nervous, but confident that I would do fine, as a pose to last semester where I was nervous and scared that I would screw up somehow.

re-reboot day 90

Submitted by needhops on

Well, after a year of trying, I have finally put together a string of 90 days. It has also been about 32 days I believe since I quit masturbating. Any type of O is from wet dream or sex. This 90 days is a little tainted because of my fantasy episode 2 days ago, but I feel like i've bounced back pretty well after a rough day 88. I'm a little disappointed because I was really doing great before having that morning fantasy, but I'm trying to accept these little set backs. It does my no good being a perfectionist. It's also made me more appreciative of quitting porn/fantasy.

re-reboot day 89

Submitted by needhops on

fantasizing yesterday definitely had some bad effects. I went out with my friends last night, and was socially just out of it. I didn't feel very confident, and I felt like I was kind of forcing myself to talk. It wasn't natural at all This morning I woke up and knew right away I couldn't start fantasizing. There is something about fantasizing thats similar to porn in that it reinforces in my mind that I need to have a gf. It's like i can't be content or happy by myself, and I think thats a very unhealthy mindset. it sets you up to be needy.

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