Fell into some morning fantasy today. This hasn't been a problem for me for 1-2 weeks, so it was a little disappointing that it happened today. It's weird because whenever I fall into morning fantasy, I eventually snap out of it, and feel better. It's like fantasizing is less enjoyable than just laying in bed, but for some reason I start up anyway. My libido doesn't really feel there today. My penis actually feels kind of cold and lifeless today. I feel like fantasy plays a part in that. Overall i'm not to worried about it but it is something id rather stay away from.
Woke up this morning with some serious porn cravings. In general, i'm having another one of those libido spikes that I talked about last week. My brain is doing all sorts of rationalizing. It seems to be just screaming for visual stimulation. Part of me wants to MO, but I feel like I have to learn how to live without giving in. On top of that, things have been going well since I stopped MO. I think that was about 30 days ago. As someone put in my last post, "watch out for self congratulatory mode". I can see where that comes into rationalizing.
Still feeling pretty great overall. I have completely lost my desire to masturbate. It doesn't even cross my mind. Porn still does in sneaky ways. For instance, today I caught myself thinking, "well we're not really addicted anymore so we could probably watch porn if we wanted" and I realized how my brain still manages to rationalize. I just remind myself that one of the main reasons that things are going so well is because we are staying away from porn. Morning fantasies have become less and less. Getting close to day 90.
Recently I've been feeling very confident. Anxiety is non-existent. When i'm out hanging out with my friends, I feel extremely sociable, and jokes seem to come extremely easily. I went out with my friends last night and saw some girls from my hs. I talked to some of them for some time, and everything went great. A random girl ended up talking to me at the end of the night and I ended up making out with her and drew some solid wood from that. I didn't have a condom on me, and couldn't bring her back to my place, so I just had to settle with her number.
Today was a more normal day. Libido was there, but it wasn't hard to control today. I "SelfControll'ed" my computer for a full 24 hours just to be safe. Unfortunately, there are other devices lying around, like my family's ipad, so I can't completely shut myself off. I feel pretty good though. Today was a day like the usual rebooting days where I just completely stayed away from all pictures of girls and just did things like lift weights, some programming stuff and read.
Finally, the horniness died down a little. I mentioned on day 78, I believe, that I paid for sex. I was not happy about my actions, but it came on a day that was similar to today. My libido was just utterly out of control. I couldn't think about anything other than sex. Today, I found I was able to not indulge in these feelings. Was it hard? Absolutely. I think paying for sex is both wrong and lame, but I thought about doing it many times today.
Gone from 0 libido yesterday to an extremely jacked up libido today. Had 2 dreams, both involving porn, and woke up to find that neither were true. I felt like if I had slept in more, I would have had a WD. Right now, porn doesn't seem to be an issue, and I did not watch porn (thankfully), but I couldn't believe now much I had swung in the past 24 hours. Yesterday, I was completely uninterested in sex, while today, the exact opposite is true. It has since become manageable, but the first 2 hours of the day were ridiculous. I can't really tell what this is.
After a crazy last 2 days, I finally feel normal again. I feel like my libido is under control again. Porn cravings were tough yesterday and unwanted fantasy was high, but they seem to have subsided today. I had some porn cravings sporadically throughout today, but they were more manageable than yesterday. Lifting and meditation didn't really help with any of the cravings/fantasy yesterday, which was odd because it normally does. I still feel gross about the happenings on day 78.
This ties my record for longest streak without Porn. It's somewhat bittersweet because at the moment, porn or masturbation isn't a problem at all. It's like my sexual addiction just jumped ships to paying for sex. It's partially the chaser, but I woke up this morning and that was the first thing that came to mind, despite how awful I felt after doing it yesterday. I guess since that i've stopped masturbating and porn, my body has found a new sexual outlet. This is good, but obviously it should come from natural sex, not a transaction.
I paid for sex... I got a lot of money out of nowhere and decided to do it. I wanted to see if I was cured and I didn't want to find out in the moment with someone I actually knew and liked. It is definitely something I regret. It was terrible. It wasn't satisfying in the least bit. At the moment, i'm experiencing some chaser, and have no desire to watch porn or masturbate, but the whole experience turned me off to sex. After I left I just thought, "whats the big deal about sex? It wasn't that great" .