77 days. 2 more till I eclipse my record, and only 13 till day 90. Libido is definitely there, this is no longer a flatline. Things aren't 100% back yet because I still feel I have moments where the 'porn brain' returns and I feel socially anxious, not confident, irritable, and just want porn, but its becoming less and less. Still avoiding the morning fantasy; it always starts out really innocent and just escalates, so I try to stop it whenever something resembling a girl enters my brain. I will say it is hard as my libido is always jacked up in the morning.
went out again last night. This time was better than the last in terms of my confidence around people from my high school. Girls again looked amazing. What was interesting is that one girl from my high school who I always thought was really hot seemed more normal this time around. However, pretty much the opposite applies to every other girl. I actually got a glimpse of some porn last night for maybe 2 seconds because my friend was showing my other friend something porn related when we got back at 3 am. I wanted to see what it was and bam, I was looking at porn.
Went out with my friends last night. Getting out of the house and in a social setting definitely helped with the cravings. It's a good reminder of why i'm even abstaining. Today I haven't had any cravings and hopefully it will be that way for sometime. So many of the girls, even girls from my high school that I wasn't crazy about, looked so much better than I remembered. That makes staying away from porn a lot easier. I felt really socially awkward at first, which really sucked, but after a few drinks I relaxed and had a good time.
yesterday was probably the toughest day in terms of cravings that i've ever had except for when I started up for the very first time. My brain kept saying "we won't even watch porn, lets just see if theres new vids up" I've fallen for that before, so I was careful not to even go on the site. I woke up today managed not to fantasize. i just played bball for about 2 hours and i'm pretty tired. This also helps with the porn cravings. I plan on lifting tomorrow too, so i'm sure that will help then.
Had another WD last night. That makes 3 in about 2 weeks. I had to wake up early this morning, so fantasy wasn't really a problem. I have some minor morning fantasies still, but i'm not gonna get to worked up about them. I feel on some level they are impossible to control. I dont know if its the wetdream, the fact that i've stayed away from fantasy, or something totally unrelated, but I don't feel great at all today. I don't really feel like doing anything. My gut tells me its the wetdream, but who knows. I am worried about pulls toward porn today.
Managed to avoid fantasy this morning. I didn't want to get out of bed at all, so I let myself lie there with the condition of no fantasy, and for some reason that seemed to work. I guess I was just more conscious about it when I woke up. I also didn't smoke pot last night, so maybe I woke up with a clearer head this morning. Things generally feel the same without fantasy except I feel an increase in libido. This may not even be related to the morning fantasy at all, but I will do my best to avoid fantasy to get my sex drive going again.
I've decided that morning fantasy is just simply out of my control IF I get up on my own. Instead, i'm going to start setting an alarm clock, and just get up out of bed at that point. While its my vacation and I want to sleep in, I don't really have the self control I need when i'm half awake. I guess it will be good for when I get back to school, as I won't be as conditioned to sleep in. I don't know if the recent morning fantasy is to blame for this, along with boredom but porn cravings have increased. It could be that there are triggers everywhere when I am back home.
Woke up this morning feeling pretty good. However, for the past 2-3 days, I've found myself falling into some light fantasy in the mornings. Nothing like porn, but still sex. I don't feel as responsive to touch when this happens. I did some meditation to get myself out of it, but I think I need to spend less time laying around in bed while fantasy is a problem. I know fantasy is somewhat natural and can't completely be exterminated, but I also find just being in the moment more satisfying than thinking about sex/women. With this in mind, I don't know why I even start up.
had another wetdream the night of monday. That makes 2 in the past week. I felt the chaser throughout yesterday. I was unbelievably horny. I didn't really want to MO or watch porn though, just have sex. I'm also back home, which is a pretty big trigger because of the boredom factor as most of my friends aren't back yet. I all of a sudden don't have school work, so that is another gap in my life. I also smoked some weed which was another big trigger for me. With all of these things at once, I literally found myself looking up hookers in the area.
Felt a little pick up in libido today. It sort of goes in and out. I found myself craving sex in the morning and fantasy (of the non-porn variety) kept popping up in my head. I also dealt with a TON of porn flashbacks, some from recent (relatively) and some from years ago. I'm not quite sure if theres a correlation between fantasy/flashbacks and libido, but it sure felt like it ( it also makes a ton of sense). Had the urge to MO this morning but decided to abstain for the sake of recovery plus the benefits of abstaining.