I mentioned this in a reply to my day 61 post, but the past week for me has been extremely unstable. My confidence, mood, and voice seem to fluctuate from good to bad. For instance, yesterday i was talking to my friend, and was feeling unsure and anxious. My voice was high and whiny. I then went out to get food a few hours later, and felt very confident and social when talking to the cashier. My voice had also dropped to a lower pitch by this point. this has pretty much been going on for the past 4-5 days.
Nothing really new since yesterday, but I just felt like posting. I just feel like my confidence comes back in small flashes here and there, but overall, its pretty low. My voice feels high and whiny, I literally hate talking right now because I feel so much strain on my throat. for the past few weeks it was naturally lower and required less effort. I know what people mean when they say that they felt like their voice came more from their stomach.
Glad to hit this milestone. This makes this my second longest streak ever, but by far my most productive in terms of improvements. That being said, the past 2 days have actually not been so great. Rebooting isn't linear, so I realize that theres no cause for concern since I haven't watched porn, but I just haven't felt that confident. I haven't felt that social either, id prefer to be alone. I haven't felt any terrible anxiety, but I feel pretty awkward in social situations. Another reason for this could be the 2 MO's I had this past weekend.
I believe i'm seeing some changes/pickup in libido. I MOed this weekend. I MOed on friday night. It wasn't satisfying at all. This was because I was really drunk though. I did it again last night, and it was a whole lot better. I'm gonna stop MO for sometime again. I don't know if MO was the reason, but I felt unbelievably horny yesterday. It felt like my sex drive came back. I did my best to avoid it, but I had an increase in fantasy and porn cravings.
Pretty sure i'm in a flatline right now. I've really put my brain through a lot for the past year with these relapses. I feel like this is the 3rd flatline or so that i've gone through. I guess its better than the hell I put myself through when I was PMOing 3-5 times a day. I can't really tell whether my penis has shriveled or not, but I can tell you that I have absolutely 0 sexual desire. Confidence has been high lately. It's probably a combination of things, like meditation, lifting, working on No More Mr Nice Guy, but its not possible without no PMO.
Had another porn dream last night. In the dream, I remember feeling really guilty and remember thinking about how I had gone 50 days and what not. I woke up and realized it was a dream, and was very happy. I woke up a couple times throughout the night with strong morning wood each time. I probably would have had a wet dream had I not woken up. that would make sense, I suppose, since its been over a week since my last MO. I considered MOing when I woke up but decided not to. I like the benefits to much.
held of some tough porn cravings for the past few days. Luckily it was only when i woke up. been doin all the healthy stuff, like meditating, lifting, ect. Confidence continues to go up. i've had some "fantasy attacks" in the morning too, but i've done a good job of holding them off. generally have had solid morning wood.
one change i noticed...
the days really fly by once you get a good streak going. I can't believe i'm almost at 40 again. My second longest streak is 45 days, so i'm close to beating that. Absolutely no desire to watch porn, just desire for real sex. As I mentioned, I am stopping MO for a while, and I was supposed to start that sunday, but I actually started it monday, which gives me 2 days away from MO. I ended up MOing for like 3 out of 6 days, so it wasn't hard to stop that because I felt so depleted. Anxiety is at an all time low.
Was watching a movie with my friends last night and saw some nudity in it. When I saw this girls boobs, I literally froze, my face felt numb, and I felt something going on in my head. After that I had some real porn cravings. I turned on SelfControl immediately, and managed not to fantasize. I did MO, but it was to touch. I've been MOing about twice a week and decided to abstain from that too for some time. I think i'm at the point where physically i'm pretty wired to touch, but it can't hurt, and I like the benefits.
Somehow I messed up the count, so I realized i'm actually on day 34. Things have been going well, overall anxiety remains low. I have been almost completely ridding myself of fantasy for the past week. I feel like I would slip up for a few mins here and there before, but i've gotten a better grasp of it. I think thats why my initial reboot was so slow. It was such a habit that it would happen without me realizing. I slacked when it came to fantasy. Now, when I feel it starting, I just stop myself.