Pertonis's blog

I'm back, in a sack

Submitted by Pertonis on

of porn images.

I couldn't resist, and I have been using the latest days. I don't feel bad though, I feel like I'm progressing, despite my falling off the wagon. Mentally I feel more calm and stronger, but I feel slightly dulled after these few days. I sincerely want to rid myself of this, and I am willing to.

Day of the dead? Noooo, day 1

Submitted by Pertonis on

Fuck....

I did. I fucked my girlfriend. I came, she came. Aaaaand all day we have been on each others throats. I'm just now sitting. Just finished talking to her about music(we heartily disagree), and the irritants went to the max when we she started saying that I had a closed mind because I wouldn't give her music a chance live. I already got to hear it in the computer, I despised it more then a possible ball chopping. She clearly doesn't like that I don't like her music, I don't really care that she isn't into mine, that's just how it is.

Day 0

Submitted by Pertonis on

Heh!

Well, I'm here :)

I am realizing more and more that my issue has never been the P part of the PMO(and more specifically fantasizing), it has been a complication, yes, it has been making the core problem worse, yes. But my main issue has always been the MO part. I'm gonna break it down.

*4ish-8ish old: got abused more then once. Don't remember who or why(only that it was a brother of a friend of mine).

*Rationalized it for YEARS as "I liked it so there's no problem"

Once more dear friends unto the breach, once more!

Submitted by Pertonis on

Or close the wall up with our English dead.
In peace there’s nothing so becomes a man
As modest stillness and humility;
But when the blast of war blows in our ears,
Then imitate the action of the tiger;
Stiffen the sinews, conjure up the blood,
Disguise fair nature with hard-favor’d rage;
Then lend the eye a terrible aspect;
Let it pry through the portage of the head
Like the brass cannon; let the brow o’erwhelm it
As fearfully as doth a galled rock
O’erhang and jutty his confounded base,

Day 30 - Clean for 1 day

Submitted by Pertonis on

Not really bothering to write, lying in bed, just woke up. I'm going to go up, make me some tea and go to town. Do something active.

I'll be back today or tomorrow. Now that I'm sober I don't feel the urge to PMO at all, will be watching for PMO lust next time I drink!

-Pert

Day 29 - The day that didn't kill me

Submitted by Pertonis on

Well. I fell of the wagon.... I didn't binge but I PMO'd and that, I cannot have.

My audition went well, but I did not get a recall, unfortunately. I came back to my hotel and I was very very distraught on the way home; bought some wine and intended to take it easy. But I felt the last barrier of by porn abuse: intense sense of rejection which I have never had to handle because I would always "solve" it with porn. Well... It didn't solve it, but it gave me a temporary dopamine boost, not really feeling like I ever want to do that again.

Day 28 - the time.... To rise.

Submitted by Pertonis on

Been really busy latest days. Been prepping for my auditions, soi have not been without work!

Won't write much now, going to wake up in 6 hours.

I will return with more info on my progress. It hasn't been faultless, but boy it's a learning experience! By golly it is. Seeing how nice it would be with karezza at least some of the time. Too much hangover from conventional sex:P at least for the time being.

-Pert

Day 20

Submitted by Pertonis on

Well this is fun*sarcastic*.

No, I do actually think this is good. But there's just so much going on right now. Feel like my head isn't screwed on right.

Day 16 - Do dopamiiiine, do dopamiiiiiine

Submitted by Pertonis on

I am high as a kite!

I was the same yesterday. Can't really concentrate, a kind of lightness(too much) in my forehead, stiffness in body, and not knowing what to do with my self! AAAAH!!! This is insane! I love it, and I hate it, this is too much, I don't know what I can do with this. I met a girl yesterday, and I could not stop having feelings of just wanting to make out with her in the back, (she's working in a shop).

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