Day 14 - The reckoning

Submitted by Pertonis on
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Well, I'm here. Two weeks. There have been changes I'll tell you.

I posted nothing yesterday as I was full up with things to do and the will to do them. But on my 12th day I actually had sex and had an orgasm. Now that sounds like either a breaking of my vows or just nothing in particular. Well the sex I felt was not made rashly or with any sort of porn in mind. But actually the sex was the least interesting of that day. What happened afterwards, is the most interesting...

...Nothing. I had no longing, no lust for porn. Before, I would have had strong urges for PMO, especially after sex. It was as though sex, masturbation and orgasm were all linked into Porn. But no more. This is such a relief. Today I have felt some sensation and thoughts of going to porn "remember the site" or "that sure was yummy" or something similarly slimy. But as i have fought the battle and won SUCH a victory as not triggering porn wants after sex, is HUGE. It's my equivalent of Hannibal's elephants crossing the Alps, such a rush of confidence, restored vigor and reinforced battle-lust! I am calling it out, I'm ready for anything. If it calls on me with feelings or thoughts, I use the tactics that have been working: distract, find another thing to do or think about, go play my instruments, go for a walk etc. etc.

It's at this high ground that I have strived for. AND I must say that my problem has always been, to re-concentrate my energy on something else; particularly when the energy get's really high in the dopamine "joy" ride. But now I have several languages I'm learning, german, italian and arabic, and I'm reading poetry and also other books on various subjects, I even started reading the Shobogenzo(Zen teaching, non-religious) which is really an awe-inspiring document. I would heartily recommend it to anyone.

I must admit that I've felt like I've been putting on weight in this process. I don't really know if that's an effect of this or just a coincidence because I'm not eating more nor differently, nor am I moving less or more. The interesting thing I think about now is that I didn't have any hangover after the sex two days ago, to me it signifies quite big neurological changes. Perhaps because there was no aftereffect of longing for porn; I feel like they are interconnected somehow.

Today I can say that most physical symptoms are gone. The only thing that is left is a stretching pain in my shoulders and arms, but my forhead is much lighter and I'm able to function. I MUST also say this: I feel my thoughts are quicker and my understanding deeper, at the same time, I felt this when I was studying some german before, I could really grasp quite quickly what I was hearing/reading, quite a difference. Of course there is quite the distraction of porn, so even if there were no neurological problems with PMO there's really a big distraction every time one is on the computer.

I'm finally understanding more and more, why it is that my teenage years sucked so hard. It's sad really. Of course the origin of which is not enough education about the subjects, which is of course an effect of my parents incompetence. But that is not important now, now the important thing is that I'm on my way, truly MY way, like Frank Sinatra's song.

Comments

No parents

saw this coming. And even if they did, they lacked the scientific lingo and research to explain it in terms you would have found (mildly) convincing. Every generation has to learn some things the hard way. This is your generation's challenge.

It's great that you didn't notice a chaser. That is indeed progress. As for the connection between porn and concentration, you may find this article of interest: No Porn, Better Working Memory?

I must concede

You're right. They couldn't have seen this coming. Although when it was already a problem, it didn't help that my father and older brother were also hooked. My mother actually reached out to me, in a way, by giving me book called "true man" or something similar. Actually didn't help but it did show me an alternate route.

Yes, I loved it. And a very interesting article! I recognize myself in those stories. :)