Single and discouraged

Submitted by Psychogenic on
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I'm a 21 year old female, knowledgeable about karezza and despairing about my chances of finding a suitable partner. My previous relationship taught me how important sex is by all that it lacked. My ex and I had conventional sex and only he experienced orgasm, we had sex two or three times daily for a 10 day period, with breaks when we were fighting or broken up. I knew I was in trouble when he said it was the best sex he ever had, while I was completely underwhelmed by the gyrating performance and immediate letdown afterwards that we call sex. This was my firt time having sex. The emotional fallout was excruciating and made worse for me by the knowledge that there is a better way. I know I can't put myslef through that again which means sex is not an option until I find someone who will gladly explore karezza with me. And that is not so easy. I suppose I have to take it easy and date to get to know someone and not to have my sexual and romantic needs met , to avoid confusion. Waiting is hard and I have started masturbating, I don't think I will stop as I feel I need the stimulation while experiencing what feels like sexual withdrawal.

Comments

your life is mostly ahead of you

so don't despair finding someone. I was not exactly patient at 21 either...so I do understand. You want to meet someone while doing something you like to do...as opposed to meeting someone at a hookup joint. Just go about your life and trust the universe to put him in your path.

isn't 21 a good time to explore...

your ex was your first, and maybe with the next man it will be much nicer for you. Who knows. 

It is quite possible to remain non-orgasmic yourself even if you have sex with a man who isn't (yet?) into Karezza. 

And the Karezza way of dating I think involves good communication and being very selective and then spending non-sexual body contact time with someone you already really like.

You will find him I am sure.

Something to think about

Your comments are really appreciated. The point about the karezza way of dating is spot on. I have to change even the way I think about dating. That is new to me and should yield better results I hope. And I suppose I do have a lot of time to figure things out.

Welcome!

I'm curious, how did you hear about karezza and this website?

Reuniting isn't really a dating website, but there are a few of us who have connected thanks to this website, and there are probably more people interested in karezza on this website than on any other. It would make it easier for people to connect if those who are looking would show their location in their profile.

OKCupid.com is a pretty good free dating website. If you can give a clear description of what you are looking for and perhaps mention karezza as an interest, you might get some good results from them.

Also check out cuddlecomfort.com.

I had such a wonderful experience from just bonding behaviors (not even karezza) that I like to share my story with people and encourage them to try that approach. See Just bonding behaviors when starting a relationship.

About masturbation, it seems to be somewhat like smoking: addictive, not much benefit from it, and difficult to quit. A lot of the people on this site, both men and women, have quit masturbation, or are trying to. If you just started, maybe better to quit now before it becomes a real addiction. That "need for stimulation" will (probably, mostly) go away in a few days if you don't indulge it.

Thanks for the welcome

I was searching the internet for information on sexual relationships a year ago. I happened upon this website by chance and found it strange to say the least, but I kept coming back and soon I was spending most of my waking hours just devouring the information, I wasn't working or studying. I read every page I could load on my tiny mobile phone and followed a few members blogs, I was a real karezzanaut without actually practising and was so glad to find such a sane space on the inernet where people discuss my favourite subject! I have a copy of Karezza: the Ethics of Marriage and The karezza Method which I copied out by hand in a manuscript book. I also read Marnias CPA, Barry Long's making love and another book by David Deida, I can't seem to remember the title. A part of me still wasn't convinced though and I felt controlled intercourse was just out of reach for most of humanity, myself included. I just let the information simmer in my mind for a few months and by the time I met my boyfriend I couldn't bring myself to tell him about karezza. I thought he would laugh at me. We proceeded to have sex and I took my cues from him, but noted his preoccupation with orgasm and the short duration of our relations which I couldn't overlook. I kept thinking that if I didn't know about karezza I would think this sex is amazing and in some ways it was. Just not sustainable or very loving. Within days he broke up with me for the first time and I was stunned. Had I not been forewarned about the effects of orgasm on the brain, I would have been destroyed by his rejection. I still hurt a lot though but eventually let him go. So am I convinced about the facts of fertilization sex and karezza? You bet! This is good work going on here and I'm glad to finally be a part of the community! I will update my profile thanks!

Yes, it really helps

to know too much sex can cause sudden perception shifts...and thus extremely confusing emotions and behaviors.

Not sure how to get the word out. There's a group of sexologists (strongly influenced by Kinsey ) who tell us they're the experts on orgasm and its effects - and to whom journalists turn for expertise. Yet they aren't investigating this phenomenon because it goes against their beliefs. They've just assumed they know "orgasm is just an outlet" (Kinsey's words). Anyone who suggests that orgasm might be like any other biological function - where there can be too much - is condemned immediately as "anti-sex" and "moralizing."

This is preventing the study of the complete picture, which, I believe, would suggest a need for everyone to find his/her own balance...and even to explore alternatives (like karezza) -  before buying the current meme "hook, line and sinker."

You might also like the books of Diana Richardson. See, for example, Tantric Sex For Men. And here's a new film she just did: Trailer - Slow Sex - How sex makes you happy

I'm starting to distrust experts

I'm wondering though if there is a link between altered brain chemistry which is all too apparent after sex and the moralising of sex? Do humans have a subconscious understanding of the rollercoaster emotions that orgasm causes hence the strong taboo on premarital sex in most cultures? Which ensures that by the time people come down from the high they are committed to a spouse and raising children. That would mean that the collective knowledge of human experience when it comes to sex has been used to tame and all but extinguish the sex drive rather than harness it as a source of spiritual growth and endless pleasure. When this is achieved civilization thrives. Maybe the same thing is happening today? People are capable of understanding that excessiveorgasm causes undesirable reactions yet research on thisis the most difficult to find and humanity really is in denial about what makes men and women happy. This does not benefit the individual man and woman but take a look around you, business is booming! Sexologists and other experts can only prescribe views on sex that are already prevalent in the sexual culture of society. A sex expert who won't endorse orgasm is like a doctor who won't sign prescriptions, not providing the expected service we desire and pay for. We have gotten used to outsourcing thinking about our relationships, even intimate ones. And the most widely applicable solution of sexual problems professional thinkers have come up with is orgasm, the more the better. Anyone not satisfied with this approach has to take their sexuality into their own hands and begin a journey of unlearning mainstream views while practising love in a more mindful and enlightened way. As for getting the word out, the internet is as good a medium as any to provide a meeting place for those who have been searching.

O how I can relate

Thank you so much for your post Psychogenic! I haven't been active on this site for quite a while, but I feel impressed to share my experience with you. I'm a 41 year old female, and I'm also single, but never married. I have been praying for a life partner for ages, but it hasn't happened yet. To make a looong story short, masturbation has been an issue for me since the age of 14. There were times (up to 2 1/2 years) when I was sober, but then some trigger came and I would fall back into the habit. By the way, I only had two boyfriends in my life, between age 20 and 23, and I had sex with both of them - and it was extremely unfulfilling (again, a long story). So after the last break-up in 1995, I substituted the sex I had with them by stimulating myself. Thanks to this site, I'm sober now since November 3, 2012. But at times it's still quite hard for me to refrain from laying hands on myself, especially at certain times of my monthly cycle. And now there is another aspect: I think I'm falling in love with somebody! So these impure thoughts start creeping into my mind again, and they are so pleasant!

Anyway, I feel for you, but you are still so young! You have so much ahead of you! Feel free to send me a private message, so we can talk a bit more!

Don’t Be Single and Discouraged, Be Single and Available

My girlfriend and I are in college; you can look at my postings to see how Karezza works out for someone about your age.

Breakups suck but bad relationships suck even more; so you move on to find someone else. Whether you want to practice Karezza or not the best relationship will be with someone who is also your friend. I see how important this is to our relationship the longer we go on. We run into problems but really liking each other as well as loving each other helps keep us together. If you can really talk to the other person and say, “I want to try this with you, it’s really great and it adds a whole other element to a sexual relationship.” Dudes are goal driven and we like a challenge. Chances are if you are at a point of mutual trust the guy will be excited to try something new. Bad news is it takes some work; good news is the work is fun.

Another point about the bad sex in your last relationship, guys are idiots when it comes to women. We don’t understand your moods, your “equipment” is hidden and we have to find it and touch it just right, and what is the right way to touch it, we don’t know. The guy you were with probably didn’t know any better about sex; he squirted and figured you should be satisfied by then too. So with the next guy if something isn’t working for you, tell him. If he is really into you he will gladly change and do what works; if he doesn’t like constructive criticism he doesn’t deserve you.