Day 1 (26th December 2012): I had an orgasm this morning, just because I was in bed by myself and I was bored. I had not started reading Cupid’s Poison Arrow (which I finished this evening) so had no idea that doing this was one of the worst things I could be doing for myself at this time. In the past few weeks I had been feeling ok, really on an even keel, happy in fact, as I had not had an orgasm for a week or two before now, probably nearer to two weeks in fact.
I have been feeling absolutely trashed today, I cannot focus on anything, I feel sick and so so tired. I feel as if I cannot go near j today, I do not want to be anywhere near him, let alone make love to him. Well that is not going to happen anyway as I am going to go to bed early as I feel as if I have a cold coming on, I feel very under the weather, I have got no enthusiasm for doing anything, not even looking on the Internet, which I can usually muster the enthusiasm for :) but I have been a little obsessed with reading the Cupids Poison Arrow book today and have just sat and read and read and read, it did not help that the weather was awful but I really could not have gone out or done anything physical today at all. My blood sugar was up again and I could not stop myself from eating sweet things and just eating too much generally - I stuffed myself. Feeling at a hugely low ebb, lower than I have been for a long time, depressed in fact.
I thought whatever j did or said to me today was just awful! I can remember so many times in the past thinking these very same things about him for no apparent reason whatsoever, good on one day and bad the next - I always thought it was what I was eating, I never realised that it could possibly be sex/orgasm. Now I feel really pissed off at all those times that I really did not want to have sex with j (which actually was 80% of the time) and all the times I gave in because he was so persistent; all those times when I worked myself up to a frenzy just so he could have an orgasm, roll over and go to sleep. All those times when I wanted to have a cuddle but would not go anywhere near him because I knew that he would take it as a sign that I wanted to make love, when actually I didn’t. I could never say no to him because I did not want to hurt his feelings, so ofcourse it was better just to keep away from him. Why oh why was I never honest with him in the first place, I will never know.
Day 2 (27th December 2012):
I am feeling slightly better today, but still apathetic, I do not want to to a single thing apart from sit in front of the fire and read. And I am still unable to resist sugar in all forms. My blood sugar was again 5.9 this morning! Does that mean that I am stressed out again? I feel stressed, really, but I cannot put my finger on what exactly it is that is wrong, something energetically for sure, and I do not know how to make it better, the only thing that I know now is that I have to sit it out, I cannot I even rouse myself to go and do any yoga or even go for a walk. I still feel hostile towards j - not as bad as yesterday though. I have been very close with the girls today, watching TV. They have been snuggling up to me and we went to bed this evening and stayed in bed for a while just being together, reading and laughing and that was really nice, I think it helped this frustration ease up a little. I have not been able to go near j at all really, but that is fine as he has been away working for these past two days so that has taken the pressure off, which is a good thing.
Day 3 (28th December):
Last night I was able to go to bed and just put my arms around j and fall asleep like that and I think that soothed away some of the frustration I have been feeling; this is not a frustration to have sex ofcourse, no, I do not think I have ever been sexually frustrated in my life, quite the opposite in fact. No, the frustration of the past couple of days has been completely different, more like a struggle to get over the apathetic feelings I have had. It is only now that I have read Marnia’s book that I realise this struggle is from having the tiniest of orgasms three days ago, that’s all. One thing that has made it slightly better is the fact I know now that I just have to wait for it to pass.
Anyway, I had a little bit more get up and go about me this morning, and managed to do a little bit of cleaning and make the breakfast ok. I even felt like doing a bit of yoga after that but actually did 45 mins of dancing which was really quite liberating so things are def. improving but I do not think it will be an easy ride for the next two weeks, there will be ups and downs which I have to prepare myself for. My whole life seems to have been ups and downs really.
I have been praying everyday that j accepts the Karezza idea and goes with it. It was all going so well with the tantra until I left for the UK and then of course when I got back we were disconnected and he was horny and I was not, and things fell apart from there, that was 2 months ago! That was when the arguments started, I cannot believe that we went from such a union of bliss to this hostility in such a short time. All I want now is for us to be reunited in the bliss of real togetherness. That is what I am working towards.
Day 4 and 5 (29th/30th December 2012):
Felt a little better yesterday but I think it was because I was running around looking after j's brother who was visiting. Today I was a little more active and the sugar cravings have gone down a little, but I still managed to stay in bed until 1 pm! Well it is the holidays! J has been working at the airport all weekend and when he came home he collapsed into bed, so there was no chance for sex or anything else, which I was very grateful about it, instead there were a lot of “I love you’s” and closeness. I don't want to broach the subject of Karezza to him just yet, I am hoping that he will read the book so I will not have to explain the theory to him, I know that if he receives the information through the book, he will be much more open to it. After all, he can't talk back to a book, can he?
Day 6: 31st December 2012
yes, I woke up with j and we had a very simple time of just being together, I don't know if he thought I was having my period or what, but he made no move to try to grab me, turn me on or get himself worked up at all, he has been very stressed out about work recently, so I think that this may have been on his mind. We held hands and looked at each other for a long time, and then I held his head and he stroked my hair, it was very nice and afterwards he told me how much he enjoyed it, I think that this may have been the first time since the tantra weeks in October that we have done this without any hint of anything going further, so I had a chance to relax a little.
I have been trying to preoccupy myself with reading again today, as the children have been able to get on and play by themselves. I think maybe that this has been making things a little better for me. I have read a book about Mary Magdalene and I am half way through another book on Gnosticsm. Both books look into the spiritual side of sex and religion, especially Christianity, and although I am not a Christian, I am completely enthralled by the gnostic texts of Nag Hammadi. I also looked at my old Pre-Raphaelite books and that made me feel very connected and light.
I have still had bad sugar cravings today however, I could not stop eating Christmas cake, but the cravings have not been as bad as the first few days since my orgasm, so I think things are slowly starting to shake themselves out again. I really have to get my self back on track soon however, or my blood sugar is going to be soaring again.