2/10/2012: The anxiety/depression I feel has been terrible for the past 24 hours. That being said, it is good for my reboot. I've wanted to reboot since September of 2011 but I haven't wanted it like I want it now. These feelings have not been with me for several years. The amount of pain and suffering I've placed on myself all comes from 2D illusions. I read on a YBOP success story that a guy replaced porn with a "life." It's time I start doing the same.
2/11/2012: Feeling slightly better in the anxiety/depression department but still pretty down in the dumps. I get anxious whenever my phone rings or I get a text. I don't want to socialize or interact with anyone. I talked to my roommate about how I was feeling (sans the source of my problems) and he was supportive. I'm going to see a movie tonight even though I don't want because I know that it will be good for me to get out my apartment and socialize a bit. I've started up with anti-depressants again and I'm a little worried about their impact on my reboot. That being said, it is more important for me to take these meds and get my mind right (I've been suicidal for 48 hours and pretty incoherent as a result of taking a lot of anxiety and sleeping pills). I'm currently on Wellbutrin XL, which has a wide range of sexual side effects, with some being that Wellbutrin will actually INCREASE libido and sex drive. Zero desire for porn. K9 settings have been upped and I feel good. Also, the experience I had with that girl from my class (See previous post) has helped to reinforce my decision to reboot in a BIG way.
2/12/2012: I had some morning wood but not very much (40-50% ). I woke up with some feelings of anxiety but other than that not too bad.
2/13/2012: I am completely lifeless downstairs. This is by far the worst I've ever been. If it wasn't for the thread explaining decreasing potency and libido I would be freaked out. Hoping to get things turned around sooner than later but I know from past experiences that all you can do is wait it out. I picked up some new medication (switched from generic to brand as a result of an FDA investigation on generics). I am LIFELESS downstairs. No wood no nothing. Really hoping that these meds will help me to feel better and kick start my productivity and desire to interact with people. Random blips of anxiety on campus today but not bad overall.
On another note, I got into a blow out fight with a girl I used to be really good friends with. Long story short, I told her that I loved her. It was really weird to say it aloud. I wasn't planning on telling her as things took a turn for the worse six months ago and we haven't really spoken since then. I felt calm after and to my absolute amazement enjoyed talking to her once the yelling subsided and we got to handling things a bit more maturely. I think telling her how I how I felt really helped me to move on and try and heal some open wounds.
2/14/2012: Today marks one week since my last relapse. It has been a CRAZY day. I woke up several times last night with some very solid erections and felt happy about, though I did not wake up this morning to find my soldier at attention. After I woke up I went to class and for the first time in I don't know long I got a spontaneous erection. I wasn't fully hard (~70% ) but I got two during that class alone. From there, I went to my other class where I saw the girl I ended up going out with last Thursday. We talked/flirted a little bit before class. After class we walked to the cafeteria together. I had planned to tell her that I was interested in her but wanted to take things very slowly and get to know her before rushing into something; however, I couldn't. To my amazement we were having a good conversation. During our interactions I said something and winked at her, which is the polar opposite of what I usually do.
Long story short, we got to the cafeteria and I had to leave really quickly. She texted me and jokingly called me out for leaving quickly and essentially set up a date. She also called me shy and said that she decided to do something. Given that I had no intentions of getting involved with anyone during my reboot or in general this comes as a shock to me. I found myself thinking about her in a later class and before I knew it I had another semi erection (~70% ). I know I shouldn't have thought about her too much so I'm going to be very diligent in making sure I don't start to fantasize about her. While I am somewhat excited I'm also really nervous and feel anxiety in my chest just typing this. I know that I'm going to tell her that I'm a reserved person and that I really want to take things slowly, both of which are true. She's in a popular sorority and has been pretty aggressive in her pursuit of me thus far. I told my dad about this and he said not to pre-judge her based on her sorority and just relax. I know he is right but I'm still somewhat anxious/nervous. I haven't had this type of interaction with someone in over two years and to be completely, it scares the shit out of me. Every "hook-up" I've had over the past year and a half has been nothing more than a drunken make out session. I've gone months with nothing and then a make out session with someone every 4-5 months. I'm so used to being alone that having the possibility of being with someone else makes me nervous and the feeling of being caged. I know I'm looking into this a bit too much but these are the feelings I've had all day.
In addition to being very early into my reboot, I'm not too sure how my anti-depressants are going to affect my libido/reboot progress. I guess time will tell.
Any tips/advice/words of wisdom would be met with sincere gratitude.