It's been a tough week, but I am hanging in there. I've enjoyed having a little more wherewithal and enjoying simpler things, but some of the urges and physical/psychological withdrawals have been intense. And it doesn't take much for me to become triggered either. It can be as small as a sexy look at the grocery store while I am shopping or just the feeling the physical need to just act out.
My energy levels have been down lately and it feels like my body and mind are crying out for some dopamine. My addict wants to rationalize different avenues of getting this hit- it's an ex girlfriend, it's ok.. It's just a stripclub, its not the real thing... Go ahead and act out and get it over with.. You deserve it.
I had some very good news a few days ago. Good news is actually more of a trigger than bad news for me. It can almost cause a manic state. Something very good happened at work. After hearing this news, I was very excited. I wanted to go act out for sure. I felt invincible. Fortunately I was becoming aware of this pattern from before and had the coherence to call my old sponsor. We talked for a while and I was clear about what was happening. Then for the next three days, it was like I was hungover. Foggy headed, uncomfortable, cravings, etc. I really wanted to act out tonight, but I know that it is not what I want to do and there are consequences.
Despite all these struggles, I have had the chance to stay busy doing things that need to be done. I woke up this morning with a great sense of accomplishment after completely organizing my closet and shelves. From the time spent in and out of the fog with being very busy with school and work, I have neglected staying organized. Even though I have kept things clean, I have not had the time and energy to devote keep up with certain things. I have been disorganized in general and forget that I have certain things or forget that I have items when I am looking for them. I got rid of tons of papers and unneeded things and feel much better about all of this. I also went clothes shopping, which is something I don't really like to do, but I needed to. It felt good and now I have clothes that I will feel good about wearing for my new program I am starting.
As good as these things feel, my brain feels like it is stuck in a major low. I am trying to be patient because I know these things take time, but until then, it is hard work to get even those little pleasures from doing normal things. I saw my family this weekend, but I was so out of it that I really didnt even enjoy it that much. I want a hit, it's a simple as that. And the little things are not giving it to me.
But I am trying to push through this. I was expecting this to be a difficult withdrawal since I was on such a bender less than two months ago. Those memories are still fresh. In addition to these memories, I have memories and dreams of my ex's and sexual experiences over the years. It's pretty captivating.
As much as I am not responding to the little things, it is what is keeping me going right now. I am feigning for some type of stimuli and if I can get a little bit from something that is decent like cleaning or working out when I don't feel like crap, then that's all I have an I should feign for that. I have been careful about not letting porn in either right now. No little hits. And although fantasy gets in here and there sometimes, I've reduced it a good amount.
I will whiteknuckle through another night and tomorrow a busy week of work should help keep me occupied.