7 weeks of no Orgasm

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Submitted by Rockhardington on
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It's been a tough week, but I am hanging in there. I've enjoyed having a little more wherewithal and enjoying simpler things, but some of the urges and physical/psychological withdrawals have been intense. And it doesn't take much for me to become triggered either. It can be as small as a sexy look at the grocery store while I am shopping or just the feeling the physical need to just act out.

My energy levels have been down lately and it feels like my body and mind are crying out for some dopamine. My addict wants to rationalize different avenues of getting this hit- it's an ex girlfriend, it's ok.. It's just a stripclub, its not the real thing... Go ahead and act out and get it over with.. You deserve it.

I had some very good news a few days ago. Good news is actually more of a trigger than bad news for me. It can almost cause a manic state. Something very good happened at work. After hearing this news, I was very excited. I wanted to go act out for sure. I felt invincible. Fortunately I was becoming aware of this pattern from before and had the coherence to call my old sponsor. We talked for a while and I was clear about what was happening. Then for the next three days, it was like I was hungover. Foggy headed, uncomfortable, cravings, etc. I really wanted to act out tonight, but I know that it is not what I want to do and there are consequences.

Despite all these struggles, I have had the chance to stay busy doing things that need to be done. I woke up this morning with a great sense of accomplishment after completely organizing my closet and shelves. From the time spent in and out of the fog with being very busy with school and work, I have neglected staying organized. Even though I have kept things clean, I have not had the time and energy to devote keep up with certain things. I have been disorganized in general and forget that I have certain things or forget that I have items when I am looking for them. I got rid of tons of papers and unneeded things and feel much better about all of this. I also went clothes shopping, which is something I don't really like to do, but I needed to. It felt good and now I have clothes that I will feel good about wearing for my new program I am starting.

As good as these things feel, my brain feels like it is stuck in a major low. I am trying to be patient because I know these things take time, but until then, it is hard work to get even those little pleasures from doing normal things. I saw my family this weekend, but I was so out of it that I really didnt even enjoy it that much. I want a hit, it's a simple as that. And the little things are not giving it to me.

But I am trying to push through this. I was expecting this to be a difficult withdrawal since I was on such a bender less than two months ago. Those memories are still fresh. In addition to these memories, I have memories and dreams of my ex's and sexual experiences over the years. It's pretty captivating.

As much as I am not responding to the little things, it is what is keeping me going right now. I am feigning for some type of stimuli and if I can get a little bit from something that is decent like cleaning or working out when I don't feel like crap, then that's all I have an I should feign for that. I have been careful about not letting porn in either right now. No little hits. And although fantasy gets in here and there sometimes, I've reduced it a good amount.

I will whiteknuckle through another night and tomorrow a busy week of work should help keep me occupied.

Comments

First, congratulations

on the good news, whatever it may be.

Second, I'm impressed that you called your sponsor. It's not easy for anyone to be without his/her sweetie, let alone someone with a history of impulsive dopamine chasing.

What about exercise or meditation to help pull your brain back into balance? Also, guys swear by Cold Showers as a way to sort out neurotransmitter imbalance. Have a look at the link to Todd Becker's site.

Thank you. The good news was

Thank you. The good news was a good sized grant for our department. I pursued it, utilized campus resources to understand how the grant writing process works, brainstormed with our department to create a program, took a class on this type of writing last semester and applied for it as a kind of class project. I worked with my supervisor and co-workers on the revisions and overall direction. First try at a grant and got it, so it is incredible luck, but I spent a lot of time and energy studying the grantor and crafting the tone of the grant to match theirs.

Success is something that I do not receive well. I already found myself crafting a way to sabotage my efforts. In general, I do not want to deal with other people or jealousy. And in the past, I have positioned myself as submissive in this area just so I do not have to deal with this. Addiction is great for this because nothing will make you feel low faster than acting out. Over time, this kind of behavior has snuck its way into my personality.

In this situation, I feel that it makes my supervisor look bad because she has not been successful in this area. When I went to take the lead on the next steps, she kind of thwarted me and took it over. She dropped the ball a couple of times with this and I am embarrassed for her. In addition, I have some resentment because she has left me out of the loop of several important projects that require my skill set and gave them to another worker who does not have this skill set (and she messed it up) and left me with projects not in my area with little instruction or supervision. It also feels like they have been excluding me out of publications in the works which I have been actively trying to do everything I can to get in on.

I feel bad for her because I like her, but she is a bad supervisor and guide. She is also pushed around by other employees and seems to be humiliated a lot. It's bad. I can tell she deals with depression. I keep trying to be supportive, but it just turns into a weird situation each time and I feel like she pushes these offers away. I am experiencing a little more emotional presence lately so maybe this will take the edge off a little.

But I find my addict active in this type of stress.

Yes, my sponsor is great. He'll take a call after not talking to him for a year. Always sets me straight. He knew exactly what I was talking about and was able to relate. Him and I are the same type of addict in many ways.

Yes, these are all good things that I know work. I do have plans to workout right now. Meditation is something that I have been doing a little more of too, but not consistently.

Sorry your supervisor

is such a nitwit. Alas, there are plenty of folks out there not thinking clearly.

However, I'm really, really proud of you for your accomplishment. And all that matter sis that you understand the magnificence of it. You can't let the world's failure to acknowledge what you know to be greatness bother you (any more than humanly possible Wink ).

Bravo! And bravo for keeping it together in the face of such nonsense.