that my mating program is trying to take control. Last night my wife and I had a great Karezza session, but I had to end it sooner than I would have liked because I got too heated up. Then I had trouble sleeping due to thoughts about masturbating to orgasm. I did edge for a few minutes, but I didn't go to orgasm; that's a first - usually I can't hold out. But I don't want to edge. I don't like the feeling of fighting myself. Even if I "win", I still lose because I've activated pathways in my brain that I want to shut off, or at least quiet way down.
There are a few commitments I've made to myself around my sexuality: (1) I will not use porn / fantasy, (2) I will not masturbate, (3) I will not have orgasms. In the 4+ months I've been working with this stuff, I have noticed that my commitment to not use porn seems to be iron clad. I have not broken it, and I don't think I ever will. For some reason, there is a strong emotion surrounding it that squashes any such thoughts or rationalizations. But for the other two, I can see that my commitment is not as strong. That leaves me vulnerable to the whim of my mating program, especially when these rationalizations come up.
While I was edging, I noticed myself having various thoughts about why it would be o.k., even good for me to have the orgasm. I think these thoughts can be an important indicator to me that I'm in the wrong place and need to take action quickly. So I'm setting a stretch goal for myself to increase my awareness of my rationalizations. Whenever I notice myself rationalizing why it's o.k. for me to break one of those commitments, I will raise the red flag. I think I also need to "install some rip cords" that I can pull to suddenly and forcefully disengage my mating program when I notice that happening. In that moment, it's almost like I'm prey hypnotized by looking into the eyes of a snake. I need something that I can use to snap myself out of it so I can escape unharmed. I've read a number of ideas on the subject in these forums: cold showers, exercise, etc. I'm not sure what will work for me, but I'll be thinking about it and experimenting. For now, I think the most useful thing I can do is to increase my awareness of the rationalizations; to get to know them inside and out so that I am able to raise the red flag before I even start walking down that road. Maybe I won't need rip cords if I can create enough awareness.