This is going to be a fairly long post so bear with me.
I first starting MO'ing at around 13/14 - first it was to pictures of women in bikinis and bra's. Then at 15/16 I built up a collection of lil clips pretty straight forward vanilla stuff. I have never had sex but have had girlfriends - kissing / handjobs etc. But not full sex. Needless to say I have always had low confidence and this held me back from pursuing girls. However the porn was a place to escape so from the age of 21 I have been downloading scenes. I have been through a range of genres to pretty hardcore but always the main focus was women.
I am now 24. Since March/April this year my porn use has escalated to Tran/ Gay porn. Now the funny thing is my porn use was still 80% straight 20% other. Now theres a girl at work I have a crush on really bad get butterflies in my stomach and she seems pretty interested - but because I havent had sex before and I always had performance anxiety so I kind of shied away from any companionship ( I know recurring cycle). So in order to get better I decided to go without porn for a week. Now this is when the HOCD first arrived. As I was still watching mostly straight porn when I used to PMO to it and and tran/gay I still felt straight its weird I was fine - it was just that the tran/ gay stuff was forbidden - I felt guilty after but the rush was good. Almost like when I first discovered porn. But during this first week of reboot HOCD came on bad.
Now I have been doing my research on here and thank you to you all - so I knew that the dopamine rush was highest from Tran/gay stuff as that was the most recent thing that gave me a kick. This HOCD has me feeling like shit - I have lost close family members and felt sad but this was something else. I wont go as far as saying suicide but I felt my life was over. The HOCD had me thinking alot of things I never thought before. I always fancied girls but HOCD makes me think I have always been gay thats why I never succeeded with them.
I am now 4 weeks into a reboot and there has been progress made but the HOCD has also changed. Let me give you a description;
Week 1 -
Tran/ Gay flashbacks all the time couldn't eat, Nauseating anxiety then Dopamine rush arousal all the time. Going to work in the financial industry(male dominated) it was hell. The constant testing - My attraction to women was null at this point. Very bad times. I deleted all my porn and bookmarks. one Dream about PMO to gay fantasy. Still no PMO
Week 2 -
I felt abit better - I was getting hard-ons to women but these were "porn" hard ons not genuine hard-ons ( I know you guys will know what I mean). I read a article in the newspaper by some gay man - I spiked stopped eating again back to week one. one Dream about PMO to gay fantasy. Still no PMO
Week 3 -
Still seeing men and getting porn flashbacks - Worst time for this is at night before i go to bed. Some Improvements since no PMO I realise how much spare time I have and I have alot of spare time - Im now really bored. Its really made me look at how my life. I used to search for constant novelty - Always on facebook looking at girls / ebay looking at clothes etc. I now really like getting out the house even if its going to see friends. Some social improvements the social anxiety from before is disappearing - I used to speak really low - now theres more base in my voice I like to conversate. I have noticed this at work I feel alot more social. The only thing i want to get back to is the gym but I am still too scared I may get the anxiety then arousal. Still no PMO
Week 4 -
The porn flashbacks are disappearing. The HOCD is changing now thought which is good and bad. Its weird Its almost as if I like the HOCD because I'll bring it on myself ( sounds strange I know) . I have had some good days been they always end bad because I always test its almost as if secretly I want to have the HOCD. I am starting to get some attraction back to woman - just general fantasy like kissing and rubbing I am getting some erections. I am getting morning wood now aswell. But my general libido towards woman is so low still no desire. The HOCD is different now. Its gone from hard sex visuals in my mind now its telling I would rather want a relationship with a man than with a woman. Throughout this week it has attached itself to each one of my colleagues but I laugh it off because it will go and im fine around them. Now its attached itself to someone form my secondary school bizarre its like its clutching at straws.
I have made significant change to my home life. Done some feng shui - cleaned out my room want a new fresh start. I have bought a macbook Air and will be getting rid of the desktop which for years has been my ally in PMO. I will replace the desk with a easel for drawing and painting.
And will get back to drawing. Also want to get back into the gym I believe this will help my confidence
Week 5 (just started this week) -
I am having flashbacks of more vanilla porn and having urges to PMO again. This happens alot more when Im at home and bored. But the flip side is im outside and testing all the time. This is my main issue its the testing and 24 hour thoughts on the subject. I look at the girl from work I fancy and shes attractive but still feel nothing no libido its weird. I do now think of girls get a better erection say 45% and then a mans face will flash in my brain. Overall things are slowly getting better but the things with HOCD is the constant need to know its gone so I constantly think I will be like this for the rest of my life even though Im only 5 weeks in. I think I will need at least 5-6 months off but its that constant need for instant gratification that its now over. I have lost some weight in this past month and because of the HOCD it has prohibited me from asking this lady out - I want to but still am very scared things will go wrong and it will lead to a big spike and knock me back. So for now Im just taking everyday as it comes and trying to deal with the boredom. and Still no PMO - I am adamant on no PMO at all - have been tempted to just watch porn to see if i get attracted to women but I think it will hinder progress.
I had alot to get off my chest -