Day 17 Yesterday

Submitted by slowstudy1 on
Printer-friendly version

You know with all the fantasizing I did to support my pmo addiction throughout the years I think it effected my sense of reality. There is a woman who runs a retail business that I have frequented ever since I moved here. She's an attractive, divorced woman about six years younger than I am. Right from the start she made comments that I would term mildly suggestive. I was married so I didn't reciprocate but I enjoyed the banter and had my ego inflated. She was often the object of my fantasies as I indulged in pmo. I found her incredibly sexy as well. I often thought that I'd beat a track to her door if my marriage ever dissolved. Since I was suffering from total ED then, as now, I had no idea what I was going to do once I got there, but it was my fantasy so I constructed it to suit. Well, when my wife and I finally did separate I waited about a month and then asked her out. I knew she dated quite a bit because she'd talk with me about it. I also knew that she had one guy in particular who wanted more than the casual relationship which she professed to want. I asked her if her relationship with this guy allowed her the freedom to date (even though she'd been sharing with me the details of these other dates). I wanted to be absolutely sure. She told me it was fine. I asked her out and she agreed.

On the Wednesday that we were to go out I called her and she suggested a 6:30 dinner. That was a little weird like having dinner with Seinfeld's parents in La Boca Vista at 4 pm. I asked her if she was alright and she said she was exhausted. I knew she had been out the night before because she told me as much. I suggested that we postpone and she agreed. At her suggestion we rescheduled for Sunday night. Again at 6:30. Anyway Sunday arrived and while playing golf that afternoon I received a bizarre text message on my phone from her telling me that her "boyfriend" (what?!) was completely jealous at the thought of us going out and that she was a "calculating bitch" (her words) but needed the boyfriend "for now" so no dinner, and no date with me.

Why am I sharing all this on a rebalancing thread you might ask? I've "known" this woman for eight years and thought I had a sense of who she was. Not. I am convinced that my fantasies, honed through years of pmo, have greatly reduced my ability to see things as they really are. I feel a little bit like the drunk at the party who thinks he's hilarious while others don't. If reality didn't work, fantasize. I wonder what I would have seen had I not already decided how it should be.

I'm not depressed or angry about this. The whole experience has awakened in me a desire to see life as it actually is rather than as I wanted it to be. PMO enabled me to run the whole show. I was the producer, the director, but seldom the actor. Real people in real life aren't looking for a director to tell them what to say and do. I've got to give all that up and take the plunge in the real world.

Finally, as I proofread what I've already written I realize that it sounds like I don't really regret the way I excluded my wife from my life. Nothing could be further from the truth but, especially for her, I'm afraid that train has left the station.


Those wakeup calls

are invaluable, actually. And also inevitable as you start to get centered and see things more clearly.

Just keep a sense of humor...and be gentle with yourself about your past errors. A lively part of your brain was just trying to pass on genes, and it didn't know 2-D from 3-D.

This is a great adventure you're on. Keep reaching out...and maybe stay away from Madame Cougar.

For the best?

Don't be so hard on sounds like she really sent you some mixed signals here. Don't worry about it, and move to to someone who might be a little bit more emotionally stable. I might be reading too much into it here but you may have dodged a bullet with this one. She seems a bit manipulative.

we don't know ourselves let alone anyone else

really, we don't know much of anything, LOL. Especially other people. We have a story of who someone else is, and perhaps PMO distorts that story, perhaps it doesn't, but in any event our view of others and ourselves is always very, very distorted. So I'm not surprised. That's why you always want to be very agnostic about a new person at first, willing to see the good/bad/ugly and take it all in stride. I think you dodged a bullet with this woman, actually.