You know with all the fantasizing I did to support my pmo addiction throughout the years I think it effected my sense of reality. There is a woman who runs a retail business that I have frequented ever since I moved here. She's an attractive, divorced woman about six years younger than I am. Right from the start she made comments that I would term mildly suggestive. I was married so I didn't reciprocate but I enjoyed the banter and had my ego inflated. She was often the object of my fantasies as I indulged in pmo. I found her incredibly sexy as well. I often thought that I'd beat a track to her door if my marriage ever dissolved. Since I was suffering from total ED then, as now, I had no idea what I was going to do once I got there, but it was my fantasy so I constructed it to suit. Well, when my wife and I finally did separate I waited about a month and then asked her out. I knew she dated quite a bit because she'd talk with me about it. I also knew that she had one guy in particular who wanted more than the casual relationship which she professed to want. I asked her if her relationship with this guy allowed her the freedom to date (even though she'd been sharing with me the details of these other dates). I wanted to be absolutely sure. She told me it was fine. I asked her out and she agreed.
On the Wednesday that we were to go out I called her and she suggested a 6:30 dinner. That was a little weird like having dinner with Seinfeld's parents in La Boca Vista at 4 pm. I asked her if she was alright and she said she was exhausted. I knew she had been out the night before because she told me as much. I suggested that we postpone and she agreed. At her suggestion we rescheduled for Sunday night. Again at 6:30. Anyway Sunday arrived and while playing golf that afternoon I received a bizarre text message on my phone from her telling me that her "boyfriend" (what?!) was completely jealous at the thought of us going out and that she was a "calculating bitch" (her words) but needed the boyfriend "for now" so no dinner, and no date with me.
Why am I sharing all this on a rebalancing thread you might ask? I've "known" this woman for eight years and thought I had a sense of who she was. Not. I am convinced that my fantasies, honed through years of pmo, have greatly reduced my ability to see things as they really are. I feel a little bit like the drunk at the party who thinks he's hilarious while others don't. If reality didn't work, fantasize. I wonder what I would have seen had I not already decided how it should be.
I'm not depressed or angry about this. The whole experience has awakened in me a desire to see life as it actually is rather than as I wanted it to be. PMO enabled me to run the whole show. I was the producer, the director, but seldom the actor. Real people in real life aren't looking for a director to tell them what to say and do. I've got to give all that up and take the plunge in the real world.
Finally, as I proofread what I've already written I realize that it sounds like I don't really regret the way I excluded my wife from my life. Nothing could be further from the truth but, especially for her, I'm afraid that train has left the station.