Days 86 and 87

Submitted by slowstudy1 on
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I've been seeing some awfully cute women around town the last few days. Maybe it's the Christmas season that is revealing them to me. It's fun watching. No interactions yet but I'm getting closer. I had some strange dreams last night. They weren't sexual in nature but I remember that people were feeling sorry for me and it made me very uncomfortable, so uncomfortable in fact, that I woke up. I can remember that at one time in my life I sought out those feelings from others. I must have been in a terrible place to have felt that way. I am very grateful that I'm not there now.

Puppy is good. Lifted weights and rode the bike tonight. 5.84 miles with some resistance. Not bad but no record. My appetite has returned and then some since I began rebalancing and exercising. I'm not gaining weight, though. Still at 206-208. When my wife and I separated I was at 236. Six weeks later I was at 193. My current weight feels just about right. It's been 71 days without pot and 34 without cigarettes. Cigarettes are finally getting easier to do without. I watch people smoking in their cars and I wonder how they can stand it and how I could, too.

When I was active with pmo I felt lonely a lot even when I was out with other people or at home with my wife. Now without pmo in my life and being separated, I'm out with other people a lot less frequently and never at home with my wife, and I feel a lot less lonely. I don't feel weird or crazy like I used to. I don't feel strange or different and I don't feel conflicted. I say prayers every night and I mean them. I used to feel like such a hypocrite when I'd pray after a pmo session. I hate that feeling and don't miss it a bit.

I feel more aware of my sexual organs lately. More nocturnal erections and even some half hearted erections while awake. It's a start.

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