23 years old fetish porn and little relationship experience

Submitted by Spiritualhealing1988 on
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So first to start off with a little bit of background

Life story: so the first time I had sexual urges was when I was in third grade. I asked this girl if I could be her slave. I wanted to kiss her feet but instead she made me pick dandelions for her. Ever since then I had a thing for pretty feet. The next thin I remember was when I was ten years old I was reading a wwe magazine and saw something that said foot worship. It sounded appealing to me so three years later I looked it up on the Internet. I thought oh girls do do this stuff it's normal they just have to get older so I started looking at pictures of feet and doorknobs videos and masturbating at thirteen. I eventually got into ball busting spitting and femdom humiliation. I was masturbating every day... And had no attraction to regular sexual intercourse. Now that I think about it this showed in my approach to girls. I was always acting like they were superior to me because that's what I fantasized about. At age 17 my gf knew about my foot fetish and would let me do my thing with her feet.but when it came to getting head I had about a 60 to 80 percent boner and the thought of her feet helped. I tried having sex with her once and couldn't get it up. Some time later she broke up with me. I casually dated a couple girls in college after that but no sex. I also saw some dominateixes which probably made the connection even deeper. There was also one point in time where i was looking at so much porn that even the dominatrix were not doing it for me. When I was 22 I dated a girl who I felt like was the first time I actually got intimate with someone. She was from the same race same religion culture so we instantly clicked that being important to both of us. This was the first girl I could say I fell in love with and where feet weren't part of the equation... Well at the beginning. At this point in time I was always eating healthy, sleeping decently well about 6 hrs a night. It was never about the sex with her but we just clicked. That being said when I was flirting with her just being around her thinking about my feelings for her, I was just instantly having rock solid hard ons. Then at point I was so Into her that I was barely sleeping yet had all this energy... Etc. this is what my sister said was love. Everytime she would text call or I could hear her voice I was hard as a rock my heart was beating like crazy and I felt weak but strong. I would definitely say I want to have the ability of regaining these emotions. Us both being virgins we said we would wait till marriage. I was impatient and started looking at porn fantasizing about doing those kinky fetish acts with her and it desensitized me. So I feel that the experience with her might have generated a good real neural pathway. The only thing that makes me doubt it is that I was on energy drinks about half the times I hung out with her. So I'm not 100 percent sure. We broke up because I was depressed ( probably overmasturbating) an I said some mean things to her. What i noticed was that towards the end of our relationship she knew i thought her feet were pretty and would send me pics of them. I felt like i lost a connection with her and kind of treated her differently. It sucks because towards the beginning of our time together I had seen her feet but didn't pay much attention to them. We don't really talk anymore which sucks but is fine with me because I need to work on this problem. Then I came along this site. If anyone has had a similar experience where they have had not much true intimacy in there lives and were primarily aroused by odd porn only and have gone through or are going through this no pmo, please share your experience with me u would like to know what happened, if there was success or not... Etc. so now to the current time. I have been off porn completely for about two weeks now and have relapsed into orgasm a couple of times from an escort. 

So the other day I failed the no pmo process. I am on day 2 of no pmo. I called into work today to rethink everything and get myself ready for the next couple months. I had gone maybe a week or two without no pmo. And had become very productive and had a lot of energy. Now I'm gonna take it day by day and keep myself busy with work, talking to friends, working out, new hobby, reading books. Today I feel less calm than usual but not as bad as I did when I was severely wanking it. 

Day 3: today I was really happy and ready for work in the morning. Right now it is 1 o clock and during the last hour, I was really pissed off. I started to not try as hard at work. During lunch I Had a couple times where I breathed deeply for 15 seconds or so. Hope it helps. My moods are definitely going crazy right now. 
Feel really impulsive. 

Day 4: didn't sleep well last night because I was on the phone with an old friend. Am planning on meditating, doing about an hour of cardio and then taking care of some boring business matters. Then I might go do something fun. I went to salsa and danced with a few girls there. Two sisters and when I danced with the second one we were doing bachata which involves light grinding, so when I did that I felt a weak but present internal sex drive, and got the most limp boner you can imagine.. As if my blood was trying to get there but it couldn't make it. I started breathing heavily because of nervousness when I looked into her eyes also. 

Day 5: I feel weird today, not depressed no sex drive, Find myself to be a boring person, but I'm also not excited. I'm gonna go to yoga class. Maybe this is flatlining. I also didn't sleep very well last night because I was super excited about life.  Oh well... This day just seems lifeless, but I'm not depressed. I can back from yoga an I feel lighter physically, mentally, psychologically ( less OCD type thoughts). 

Day 6: I got about 6 hours of sleep last night and was extremely tired from yoga. I woke up with a non erotic semi boner, not throbbing, but if i can squeeze my muscle, it would get harderMy counselor whom I'm seeing for this porn addiction put me on some herbals to help me through this. I'm taking 75 mgs of GABA, 5000 mg omega three, a multivitamin, vitamin b complex, and vitamin d3. The GABA slows down my thoughts a little which is good so far. I went to the gym and got a decent workout. I called this girl I know to see if she wanted to go to Holi and she said she would call me back and I don't know if it was me or of it was her tone of voice, but i felt like she didnt want to talk, I still know I am sensitive. But that makes me think that I shouldn't go to Holi because my ex gf and all of her friends will be there.. Don't really wanna deal with the drama. It is now nighttime and I really feel no desire to do anything but go to sleep. I'm calm and content, but don't have any drive... I'm also pretty tired. I would think this is what flatlining is supposed to be... It's just weird because it's not just with my sexual libido but with everything. Hopefully this starts to come back pretty soon. On to day seven

Day 7: I woke up feeling great! Felt like I could take on the world. Now a couple hours later and I am thinking about all the negative things and struggles that I have to put up with. I have realized that I lost my moral compass and it sucks oh we'll... I'm making a healthy breakfast with kashi go lean and 3 eggs hope that helps kick start my day. Planning on going to the library and reading some books on hip hop moves.  Right now I feel so indecisive and feel like I don know where I belong. 

Day 8: I felt pretty good this morning. I went ahead and took my GABA and vitamin b12. The GABA does make me sluggish and after talking to my counselor we decided to take the GABA at nighttime. I did have about two hard ons that were still relatively limp. I had some sexual thoughts ( fetish kinky ones) even though they were lighter they were still there. After catchin myself I used my technique ( picturing my main reason why I am doing this... Which is basically so I can have a good healthy family life). I basically went to the gym and worked out. I don't really feel any withdrawal symptoms nor do I feel really any different from the other day. I'm gonna stop journalist until I stop flatlining.  DAY 8 IS FEBRUARY 8TH.  My voice has gotten deeper also.. I'll talk out loud just to hear it. I just woke up right now and it's two I clock I felt hungry when I did so I ate a granola bar and drank a cup of hot milk. Now I'm gonna surf the web about no pmo.

Day 9: I was not going to post today but today was a calm followed by a storm followed by a rather nice calm. I was having random erections and I noticed that it was a couple minutes after I thought about my ex and her feet. I also caught myself checking out the feet of girls and even though I was aware and that is exactly what I want to get away from I still did it! Despite using the technique where I replace the image of feet with the image of me holding my wife's hand one kid holding my hand another holding her ( happy family). I also caught myself remembering old porn that I used to look at, porn stars, certain videos, and old fantasies. It really didn't have top much of an effect on me but I felt disgusted and scared. I noticed that my voice got higher pitched during this period today. After this happenned I came to the realization that it is going to be a long process of rebooting and just as long if not longer rewiring to a real genuine loving relationship. I want to be aroused by having a natural connection with a girl kinda how I felt with my ex about six months ago. I remember the times when she would talk to me and my heart, brain, and dick would be there. I want to have the ability to activate those feelings again. My game was tight with her also because I had been reading and practicing a lot of pus on her... Not for sex but to find love.. That's another story though. 
So an hour after all this happenned I took a walk and breathed deeply while doing so. I felt that all the kinky thoughts and the Nast stuff went away. As if I was one step cleaner physically spiritually and my soul and brain and body. I understand that my brain and body is going through a lot of changes right now and detoxifying. So this calm has me feeling really good and wondering maybe as time goes on the downs are shorter and the ups are longer and feel better maybe? So basically save your seed for something productive! My only concern is if I will ever be as to get aroused without feet. The reason I say this is because it starts at feet but then leads to something else more extreme. Till next time. 

Day 10: went salsa dancing tonight but didn't have as much fun as I expected myself having. Its 617 in the morning and I'm technically one day eleven. I had some fantasies and almost had a relapse. Got hard pretty quick. I can't believe these fantasies are coming back man this sucks. I just put a pack of ice on my balls and that makes me feel safer. I keep telling myself that this process is not linear and I will be feeling really bad again before I get better. I had tried no pmo and lasted 7 days before this, and when I relapsed it wasn't to porn but to an escort and it was me doing kinkyfoot fetish stuff which is bad because I want to be able to have the ability to connect with a woman and make love to her, not to be aroused by all these unnatural thoughts. I have heard of karezza and rewiring with the real thing in the real way, however I don't know if my body is ready to do this yet. Even when I'm with real girls I catch myself looking at their feet and I won't lie I think I am subconsciously seeing if I will be aroused. Right now I think that this addiction is trying to creep up on me so I might stop salsa dancing for a while and stick to bboyin. 

Day 11: went well woke up an went to holi did some dancing there which was fun. Also got a lot of sunlight. I'm gonna go over my finances today and then meditate for at least thirty minutes before I get to bed. The reason is because I do feel anxiety coming along. I am really tired from being in the sun and I went to bed late last night and only managed to get four hours of sleep. I will have to start waking up at 445 to get to work starting tomorrow so I want to sleep at 9 o clock every night so I can get at least seven hours of sleep. 

Day 12: today in the morning an afternoon it was pretty bad. I had the thought " why am I even doing this?". But I cut that thought out. I also started fantasizing about my ex gf ( no kinky thoughts ) an our interactions together and I could feel a little something downstairs. After work I went and fed the ducks with my sister which was fun. Now I am at the dance studio trying to sign up for hip hop dance, I hope they have enough room for one more person! 

Day 13: went and saw my counselor today and we talked about relationships and how I needed to start with the outermost circle ( making acquaintences then the next circle within that are friends. The next circle after that being close friends and the inner most siècle being family/ gf. So that was interesting. I didn't have many symptoms. I haven't worked out in three days but tomorrow am planning on doing cardio and weights in my new vibrams ( finger shoes). I'm gonna meditate before I go to bed. I still catch myself staring at girls feet but no sexual response.... Which is good. I believe I'm in a flatline right now. My counselor told me to focus on a persons face and there expressions and this will create a new path wave that works my limbic system. 

Day 14: I woke up and have a lot of energy. I feel that it is buildup from not lifting and not as much meditation. Today I'm planning on lifting hard, dancing, and yoga at night so well see! I want to read that book by Marnia. I practiced my dougie and am getting better at it. I feel like I have no drive for anything at this point. It's a little more difficult than usual for me to get into the gym. Hopefully forcing myself will do the trick. I really can't wait till I come out of this flatline but I have read that the brain is just shutting down a little bit from all the activity that it was once used to. Hopefully that is the case! Wow I felt the strongest sexual urges tonight and got some hard ons. I could feel the strength of the sexual energy surging inside of me. It took a lot for me to get past this... I iced my balls... Also felt like I had something to shit out but wasn't able to shit, so I ate yogurt ( helps you shit). Ate an apple since it is a high fiber meal. My fantasies were pretty much teasing the shit out of me... More so the actual feeling in my penis. I don't know how I made it through but I did. Now I'm gonna read some stories online and meditate. 
Day 15: I had a nocturnal emission and it was to some mythical chic trying to put nail polish on me ( she was clothed) and I said no, then she put mascara on me and I ejaculated. They said that to stop wet dreams you should
Wear looser underwear and sleep on your back. Those are things that I'm looking forward to trying. I'm worried about this wet dream because I see people posting about wet dreams and they are having dreams of themselves getting intimate. This dream was more of a fetish dream. But I read accounts where people had weird wet dreams and then it made them want to get more intimate with women and talk to women. I also realized that my wet dream came from fantasies throughout the last couple days. I also realized that I was entertaining the fantasies rather than blocking them out right away. Once the fantasy pops in your head, it's 5 watts.... One second later it's 55 watts... So you must block it out right away. 

Day 15: I feel that today I had some nervous tension from yesterday's hangover during the morning. Now it's gone and I'm back to the flatline. No libido, not too much drive for anything. Maybe it's because I'm not working out as much at the gym, especially cardio. Well I'm gonna meditate and go to bed. 

Day 16: I realized that sleep is very important because I got a solid seven hours last night and I feel great today without the nervous tension. I can feel a small charge downstairs when I talk to woman. Not anything to make me go crazy but a little bit. Hopefully in the future it will be enough to help me approach a women naturally ( without as much put material). This morning I had all these negative thoughts but that went away pretty quickly. I am hoping that my wet dreams come around less

Comments

you are doing fine

sounds really good, that you are headed in such a good direction. The wet dreams should pass at some point anyway. Your progress is great to hear about, keep blogging here.

Thank you. One question I had for marnia

I have read that socializing and real life contact is definitely good and I feel it is a must in my case (since I have had minimal wiring to the real thing). But when should I pursue the real thing (trying to get a gf talking to women romantically etc.) since I have played out my fetishes in real life I'm scared of doing that when trying to pursue real life women because it's the only way my brain knows of getting aroused. So my question is when should I start proactively trying to rewire to real stimulus? Should I wait till I am rebooted and then rewire or should I start rewiring whe rebooting? If the answer is to wait till I am finished rebooting, how will I know or what signs will show that I am rebooted or very very close? Any insight is appreciated.

Day 16

Ok today was a good day at work. I was a little unproductive because I was on this site reading blogs ( work in a call center environment), but happy none the less. Now I've come home and I am a little depressed I feel like. Maybe it's because I haven't done cardio in a week or so who knows? I also realized that I don't have many friends. I saw one of my old friends and he was really really high of marijuana. I stopped being friends with him because he would bring the marijuana around me when he knew I had problems with weed and pills and lie about it. All after I politely requested him not to! But most of my friends were/ are drug and alcohol addicts and since I quit alcohol and pmo at the same time I am realizing that we didn't have much in common. So I know I need to do some oxytocin releasing activities so I'm going to go feed the ducks and then swim for about 40 minutes or so. I also realize that getting into a relationship is far away for me because I don't really have a lot of friends in the moment. The friends I do have have much different schedules than me and are really busy also. I've been keeping in touch with them. It's been so long since I've had to make friends that I don't know where to start... Well maybe I do but it's going to come out after I get even better. Well that's it for today. Once again reading all these posts have given me a lot of hope and inspiration and keep me going through my negative times. Thanks marnia and Gary!

hey man, you're doing good so

hey man, you're doing good so far. a few quick thoughts from my perspective (I'm 27, on Day 120, went straight through with no relapses, pretty much healed):

1) wet dreams- I had 16 during my reboot. some were about people i know, people i don't know, crazy incomprehensible shit. don't worry about them. you can't control them apart from staying away from substance (weed, alcohol) and not fantasizing too much during the day. also, even thought they might have set me back a little bit, 120 days is a fairly normal number for someone who started with high speed internet at a relatively young age (prob 14-15 for me).

2) i personally think you should wait until you're fully rebooted before you start trying to rewire to the real thing. my original goal was 120 days so i'm going to start trying to rewire very soon here. trying to do it before you're fully healed will just set you back. any intentional orgasm you have will set you back. Gotta cool that brain down. FYI- my flatline lasted almost three months, so dig in, get yourself focused, and plan to be around for the long haul. Not saying yours will be that long, just saying you should plan for anything and set your expectations to deal with the worst case scenario.

As to when you'll know that you're healed, just listen to your body. My brain just started feeling more sensitive around Day 90 or so and I've had steady progress from there. It's only been the last couple of weeks where I feel really ready to go. For me, I just felt my body turn a corner, then turn another a few weeks later, then another etc. And all those turns just built on each other to where I know I'm ready to go now. Hold off on the PMO and you'll know too.

3) Gotta get more sleep. All that 4-6 hour talk made me tired. Sleep is sooooooo important, especially if you're working out. My worst moods and the times I was closest to wanting to relapse were when I didn't get enough sleep or the sleep I got sucked because of substance of some sort. Gotta get lots of sleep.

4) Are you still on those energy drinks? I think that shit is bad news (I used to love me some energy drinks). If you're gonna do caffeine, may I suggest yerba mate tea? Lower caffeine than coffee but hits you better because the caffeine is delivered with a bunch of anti-oxidants. They love that shit in south america. But I really think those energy drinks stimulate some bad brain patterns. At least they did with me.

5) What are your thoughts about the fact that you're aroused by feet? Are you embarrassed by your attraction in of itself or do you just feel the attraction is related to things you do feel guilty about, like humiliation and stuff? Because I don't really think a foot fetish is particularly weird or perverted. It strikes me as just sort of a thing like anything else. I mean, I'm really attracted to breasts. That's kind of just as arbitrary, though perhaps one could make a case that there's more of a biological factor in my attraction. But I'm not sure being attracted to feet is super weird. I actually have a buddy who has likes feet and he's just a normal guy. Have you really tried to hash out your thoughts on the topic and how it relates to personal shame and stuff?

You're doing really well. Keep pushing hard man. Good luck.

Thank you much

Thanks for all the advice I am very happy you took your time to do it. I am definitely in it for the long hall and expecting it to be longer for me especially after seeing that my unique situation has many reasons why it would be lOnger. As far as sleep I'm averaging 6 to 7 hours a night. I only get less sleep ( 4) if I work out too late at night. As far as energy drinks I have been caffeine free since I quit pmO also. It's not the foot fetish that I'm worried about but just the fact that the foot fetish led me into unnatural porn types such as the ones mentioned above. If there was a way where feet aroused me just as a body part and nothing more it would be great but I think the act of kissing feet shows humility and that's where it starts. I have hope because with my ex gf I was aroused by her voice touch and our feelings we had so I feel that there must have been some brain wiring there. Your probably right I just need to get sensitive again. what do you think about the fact that I've never had a pleasurable experience from vaginal intercourse? Is it possible to find pleasure in that with a loving mate and strengthen that neural network while weakening the fetish network?

Some other stuff

What kind of social activities are appropriate during the reboot and safe to do? I quit caffeine alcohol so that's not an option? Also I would like to say that in general my memory, relationship with family ( little things bother me less) has gotten better and I have more patience with things and can accept when things don't go my way a lot easier than before. I also have a lot more energy for the gym ( its been quite a challenge focusing the energy), hopefully some cardio will relax the nervousness. Those are some of the benefits I'm seeing. Everyone else hang in there!

I think once you get

I think once you get sensitive again you'll be able to derive pleasure from vaginal intercourse. After a few months with no orgasm, I think you'll start to be aroused by people and things that you never thought twice about before. You just need to have an understanding girl let you ease back into it with no pressure. Also, I'm sure Marnia would say you need a cuddle buddy to start wiring you to people during your reboot. Just no orgasm until you're healed.

So, do you want to change yourself completely from wanting humiliation and stuff? Cause the other end of the spectrum is sort of wanting to do increasingly extreme things to express dominance over the female (that would be what I've tended more to). If you are wanting it to change, do you think it would be beneficial to maybe read some books espousing a more "manly" ethos? I've had a few books recommended to me that are somewhat along those lines (though I can't recommend them because I've actually never read them)- The Red Queen (Matt Ridley), The Selfish Gene (Richard Dawkins), and Sperm Wars (Robin Baker). I'm sure there are plenty others. Books like that might be good to put some new sentences in your mind and give you a different perspective. Just a thought.

Yeah

I definitely want to get away from being aroused by being humiliated. I would ideally want to be on the spectrum where I am dominant in the bedroom but not anything like sadimachoism or anything too extreme of that sort. I would like to be strong yet caring, firm yet understanding and the ability to please a women emotionally and sexually. What was your fetish before the reboot and how has it changed?

Cuddle buddy

Should I get a cuddle buddy now? Or should I wait till I'm further in the process? Today is day 17. My counselor says that I should keep social activities going but not to be in a room with a girl by myself? Any advice marnia?

yes get a cuddle buddy

this is vital and incredibly valuable if you can do it. It is so much easier when you cuddle and spend time naked with a girl without performance or orgasms...it makes it all a piece of cake compared to not doing it.

Maybe just go with the flow and see what turns up

If you have a good cuddle-buddy prospect, you can consider whether it's the right time. Meanwhile, what about dance class or some other activity where you're around women.

In general, any wiring you want to get rid of tends to fade if you stop orgasming to it. laugh The brain pathways thta trigger rewarding feelings actually weaken over time. The bad news is that the ones associated with an addiction sometimes get more compelling at first.

 

I wouldn't say I had a

I wouldn't say I had a particular fetish. Though my appetites in porn definitely changed multiple times over the years. I would go from being interested in one type to being interested in others. And I definitely moved from more softcore to pretty hardcore stuff, rape scenarios and GBs at the extreme end. So porn really caused me to objectify women a lot more and think about them as pleasure objects more than people. That definitely showed up in how I had sex in real life too.

Ok.

I don't have a cuddle buddy right now. I feel like I lack the social skills to get one at this point (about 10 months ago my social game was great as i was in great shape from finishing p90x and had been reading pick up artist material)I think within the next month I should be good( I think the skills will come back when my natural magnetism, confidence, etc. returns). Now about the naked part, that must be too much for me to start off with.

Recovering: so how did your view of women change during/ after the reboot? We're you able to have functional sex without fantasizing about that hardcore stuff? We're you attracted to other things about a women other than what you were attracted to during your porn days? If so can you tell me what aspects of a women you found attractive?

I would say I'm just more

I would say I'm just more attracted to the real thing haha. For a few years, I wasn't really that attracted to them except in sort of a mental, theoretical way. The whole fantasizing during sex thing + delayed ejaculation issues are what eventually drove me to this website. I could have sex and I didn't always have to fantasize about porn or just something more hardcore, but I was increasingly needing to and I had just started reading presence/mindfulness stuff and realized what I was doing for the first time.

I would say the biggest difference now is that I can appreciate a lot more women and for a bigger variety of reasons. It's like I can appreciate the little things and the total package much more rather than isolating attributes and focusing in on them mentally. Also, my attraction feels much more based in my body than in my head. It's a similar to hunger for food actually and I don't think I've ever experienced it like that in my life (not surprising considering how early I started looking at porn).

I think that once you lay off the porn for a while, give your brain a break and start building up those hormone levels, you're going to find it a lot easier to be dominant and not want to be submissive. I still haven't O'd and my overall aggression and intensity are WAY up. I think that's just going to lead you to want different things. Think of it like a workout (it's baller that you did p90x btw). You know how if you're really in shape you just start getting edgy when you haven't worked out in a few days? That's your body telling you you're ready/need to work out again. You'll often know exactly how you need to work out too. It should be the same thing with your sex drive. So, I would say go into your body as much as possible and figure out what your body wants. All that porn stuff happens in your head and that's where everyone gets tripped up. Go into the body and I think you'll find your more natural desires.

Oh wow that's amazing

Insight. You are so right I feel that logically speaking if I went into my body and got in touch with it more, I would want to find something that will physically feel the best for my penis and that would obviously be a vagina, not a foot. So we're there any exercises that helped you get into your body or did it come with abstinence and time... Or both?

You might still be attracted to feet :)

But I think you'll tap into the vital energy/aggression that'll keep you from going to some weird mental place you don't want to be. As for exercises, I would say you should take a look into zazen (roughly speaking, it's buddhist meditation). A good place to look is a book called "The Three Pillars of Zen" by Philip Kapleau. It's a good guide to get started. Also, just start doing energy flow practices. Basically, when your energy is up and you can feel your body a bit more than usual, draw your attention into your body and just try to feel your body from the inside. Good ways to get your energy up include a moderate workout that hits all your major muscle groups and makes them fire or taking a hot shower and stretching a bit. Yoga is really good to get energy circulating.

Actually, since you've done p90x, I can explain it like this. Lie on your back in shavasana corpse pose. Breath naturally from your stomach- imagine there are nostrils two finger widths below your navel and breathe through those. Then drop your attention into your dominant hand. Try to feel it from the inside. Try to feel every finger and just the entire hand down to the smallest detail. When you start to feel some energy pulsing in the hand, draw your attention to another part of your body and repeat the process. Do it until you can feel your entire inner body. Then start moving waves of the energy up and down your body from the top of your head down to your feet and back. Once you've got your whole body heated up and pulsing, try to draw your energy into your genitals. I usually try to go into the PC muscle first since I can usually feel it after doing kegels. Just try to send positive energy and create heat in your genitals. Move it down the shaft of your penis until you can feel everything from the inside. It might be hard if you're cut off from that area. But just keep trying and it will get easier.

That's the best suggestion I've got. I'm gonna go follow my own advice right now. Good luck with it.

DAY 17

Today has been a funny day. I barely got any sleep last night and was tossing and turning all night long. This morning and throughout the day I had fantasies of my ex gf mixed with some old and new porn. I tried blocking them out with the red x method and imagined a slides how with my dream picture replace it. I wasn't as good at it as I usually am... Probably due to the lack of sleep. I also noticed that I was more hungry then usual but stuck to my diet. At work I was doing the bare minimum to get by and was on this site most of the time which is bad. After work I did a moderately intense swimming workout with some sprints involved. Meditated for about 5 to ten minutes. I have been meditating less than usual and have been skipping on the cardio and I realized that cardio is really important to my mental and physical well being. One thing that I am really having a hard time doing is socializing with people my age. I socialize a little at work and have told one of my team mates about my problem...he seems to be a trustworthy person. The main reason that I feel it's hard for me to socialize is that I primarily used to socialize at bars and clubs and would get drunk while there. Since I quit alcohol I have had no drive to go to the bars ( because of my fear that i will fall back into my old habits). But I'm currently in a hip hop class and looking forward to going back to the clubs once I get better at dancing. I would like to be around sober people anyways. Anyone have ideas where I can meet sober people on a Saturday night?

Ok so to tonight

I went out with my friend and we met two girls. He drank and I didn't and usually when I drink it's him pulling the girls and me watching ( especially when I was into pmo) but today he started the conversation and I kinda kept the other girl entertained and both were flirting with me and I ended up being cuddle buddies for the night with the one that he wanted. I did not even know my sexual magnetism was that high. We did make out passionately so I'm scared that this might have slowed my reboot because when I first started making out with her I was probably at 40 to 50 percent and then it went down and my penis got hard as soon as we started cuddling and making out. I also ended up kissing her feet but didn't even get aroused by that. An I in a flatline in general or what? Because usually feet would totally arouse me, I mean I noticed that they were pretty but it didn't turn me on... It turned her on she said no guy had ever kissed her feet and that she loved it. She wants to hang out in the future and watch movies and stuff together. Was this too much for day 17? My penis feels a little sore right now.

Nice going!

Try not to assess your libido via your fetish, because, ideally, a reboot should help you get attuned to the sexual proclivities you arrived on the planet with. If you were kissing her feet because you were "testing," don't do that for a while. If you were kissing them just because it was part of the flow, no worries.

Why was your penis sore? Did you have a blue ball effect, or was it ue to friction of some sort?

it's great

very helpful to kiss and make out and it's a great sign. But the thing is -- avoid testing. Erections come and go and don't mean anything right now. The best position around this is to be okay with whatever penis does or doesn't do right now.

My motto is "trust the penis." It is doing exactly the right thing.

Thanks guys

There was a little bit Of friction going on when we were spooning because I was semi hard. I think subconsciously it was a test but physically it happened when I was kissing every part of her body and I kissed her feet. She then said she gave me 8 points because nobody had ever done that ( I gave her 8 Points for givIng me a massage earlier) sO me ten Points I grabbed her other foot and kissed it also! One mistake I could say I made was that after noticing that I was hard while kissing her I did test to see if my erection would get harder instead of more focusing on the moment. What are some tips to divert attention from my performance to the interaction.

Day 18

So I didn't sleep very well last night it's been two days in a row do I am skipping salsa to get some rest tonight. I also checked out marnias book which I've been reading. Some things that worry me are that I look at a picture of me and my new cuddle buddy and I get aroused down there. I am scared because I am equating it to a Facebook pic of a girl... Even though we do have some shared emotions. So I'm going to try and stop fantasizing even about real life occurrences but instead be in the moment of what I am doing and enjoy time when I'm with her. I have also noticed that fantasy is the hardest thing to stop and I believe it's because your brains database of fantasy is way larger and more complex then porn madturbation or orgasm. Porn comes from a computer so if you ditch the computer porn is pretty much gone ditch touching yourself and masturbation is gone. Fantasy comes from your brain and you can't ditch that. So today I am feeling a little emotionally unstable and I'm pretty sure it's due to the lack of sleep and maybe even one unhealthy meal I ate. I meditated which made me feel better, less OCD and more relaxed. I'm planning on reading marnias book and then sleeping for 8 hours tonight. Other than that everything is well. Good luck to all you no pampers out there!

Spiritualhealing1988 wrote:

[quote=Spiritualhealing1988]Some things that worry me are that I look at a picture of me and my new cuddle buddy and I get aroused down there. I am scared because I am equating it to a Facebook pic of a girl... Even though we do have some shared emotions. So I'm going to try and stop fantasizing even about real life occurrences but instead be in the moment of what I am doing and enjoy time when I'm with her. I have also noticed that fantasy is the hardest thing to stop and I believe it's because your brains database of fantasy is way larger and more complex then porn madturbation or orgasm. [/quote]

 

Two completely different things, bro:

I get a semi erection sometimes when I think about my partner or look at her. It all depends. Nothing wrong with that. Anticipation of something that excites you, that you will be going to bed with a girl, or memories of a recent sexual experience with a girl, are all supposed to provide us with a fix of good feelings. That's all good stuff!

Fantasy about other scenes and other situations is a different kettle of fish. I would try to eliminate that and not let my brain dwell on that, especially fantasies of other people doing sexual things that come from porn memories.

Day 19

Todays been alright. In the morning I was tired due to the lack of sleep. I think I didn't sleep well because I I ate too close to bedtime. I just got off work and it's my weekend so yeaaah buddy. I have had this built up energy that's been within me today. I have had some erections that were spontaneous and some that came up when I was fantasizing about my new cuddle buddy and our time we spent together. I also had fantasies of doing fetish things with her which led me to think its maybe because I kissed her feet ( my first fetish which lead to extreme
Things). So I tried the red x method and it didn't work as well as it usually does. I also had this energy today that isn't anxiety or too nervous ( I remember when I first came off of pmo I was very shaky) it wasn't like that. So either my body can better handle the energy, it's light anxiety from not sleeping, or it could be something totally different who knows. I'm going to go to the gym here in a bit and get a pretty intense workout in. I was looking at karezza and was a little confused about it. I thought that karezza would be helping one to rewire, therefore I thought getting a strong erection wo porn fantasy and just from touch was a result from doing karezza, but after reading it it said that karezza is sexual intercourse but it is light so that leads me to believe that having the strong erection would be a pre requisite. I would like to know because I want to do it but I couldn't get a full erection from cuddling or making out with my cuddle buddy so how would I have karezza? If someone can clear that up it would be great. So I'm going to go to the gym now. I'll post the rest of my day after my workout.

Day. 20

Last night I went to sleep around 11 and woke up at 4. Stayed in bed till around seven at which I was halfway asleep. I had an ejaculation. My penis was in the prone position and it didn't even feel good and to top it off it was to a weird fantasy that I don't want to discuss on here. I checked my pants and there was semen leakage there but then again it wasn't thick ( although it was thicker than my previous wet dream).oh well I have not noticed any chaser effects yet except what seems to be even more of a mellow flatline period. The lack of good sleep might have made me feel like a zombie also. I'm planning on getting all my laundry out of the way and then taking a long walk in the sun followed by some cardio and a yoga class. Then I'll top the day off by calling my cuddle buddy. I think the reason that this wet dream didn't bother me was because it didn't feel good and the fantasy was unatteactive.

Things I am grateful for so far ( day 21):

I am grateful that my voice has gotten naturally deeper( without me trying to force it). I see girls checking me out a lot more these days. When I am at the gym, I saw several girls checking me out. I even saw one that turn around when I walked by her just to check me out ( have read the theory about pheromones building up which might be a cause).I have generally had more drive to work out and pursue hobbies and more strength/ energy and better recovery time while I do work out. I also notice that I make more natural eye contact/ smiles and that I am less socially awkward. I can say this because I actually went out one night with my friend and pulled a chick that was hotter than the chick he pulls ( usually its me watching him pull chicks and being amazed). This time, I felt like my energy was so calm yet pushing forward and taking calculated risks while talking to the girl. Also little things bother me a lot less, saving money and being more organized seems less like a task than it did before. I am also able to feel sexual energy when I just see girls or make eye contact with them.  The fantasies are getting less
And less extreme and becoming more and more about real people that I know or do not even know. My relationship with my family has gotten better. When I was always watching porn and masturbating I would never help my dad or my mom out with any chores around the house and was living at there house for free. Now I have been helping them with chores when I can, buying groceries when I can, and our interactions have gotten a lot better. I used to always blame the problem on them but now I've come to realize that it was me most of the time. My sister even told me that now she felt right calling me an older brother ( which was simtanously both saddening and a sign of improvement ).

The negatives: obviously the worse are the flashbacks from porn, or fantasies that still plague me. I'm on day 21 and keep having all these fantasies ( its not direct fetish stuff but more like scenarios that my brain makes up about imaginary non porn people or real people). The chaser. Effect after a wet dream wants to make me break down and cry. I thought I didn't have the effect after my wet dream yesterday but this morning I have so much sexual energy down there. One other thing that I need to work on is on how to bring that energy upwards.thats it for right now will be posting more later. Also when I think of my cuddle buddy, ever since I had the wet dream I am objectifying her more ( thinking about her body rather than our connection and her personality).