StartingOver's blog

I think its time - Day 1.

Submitted by StartingOver on

I think its time I start a full reboot again. I did one "real" reboot before but all it did was unmask how deeply addicted I am/was (I'm 33 so I've been at this porn induced ed thing for a while).

Last night I saw something I was attracted to on the street and I felt real shame about it because I was never turned on by it before. Its the next level of dopamine that I don't want to get to. Later I was horny but wouldn't instead I masturbated to something else that used to get my dopamine going. It didn't and I really regretted it.

Been a while

Submitted by StartingOver on

Hi, Its been a while since I posted. Something I neglected to share with everyone is that I have bi-polar II. I was trying to deny that I had it for a long time but I couldn't anymore. I'm now taking the medication Abilify, which has helped stabilize my moods. The addiction is still there but I feel with my moods stabilized I will be bale to address it better. I've noticed, while I still fantasize and masturbate and occasionally look at porn or erotica, the craving is not as intense as before and the frequency is much less.

PMO this morning...

Submitted by StartingOver on

....but its has a good angle to it. One of the things porn did to me, is warp my sexuality. I would say I've masturbated more thinking myself in the role of the woman that I have in as the man. Anyway, this morning I had many fantasies, watched some MILF porn and masturbated. At first I was depressed but I realized, that the first time in a long time, I fantasized the whole time as being "the man", as myself. Though I PMO'd, there was a victory in there.

Not as good as last week

Submitted by StartingOver on

This last week I masturbated a few times (including this morning) but the truth is I am so much better then I used to be. I have to keep things in perceptive and realize how far I've come. I was in a bad place. Now, I don't watch porn. I masturbate far less than I used to. I'm motivated to date. Having healthier ideas of what a relationship should be. Heck, this morning, I masturbating thinking about just ONE woman. That is HUGE, because usually it was like porn, going from one woman to another, etc, etc.

One week No PMO

Submitted by StartingOver on

Hello everyone,

I am happy to report that I am one week of no PMO, with fantasies kept in check. There was a brief moments that I rubbed myself into my bed during a short fantasy but I stopped my self. I am not sure why not PMOing came so naturally this week. It might be a combination of the therapy, Neurofeedback , the new vitamins I asked my "natural" doctor for (he is a MA, DC, DCBCN) specifically to deal with the dopamine cravings, as well as self determination to gain control over my sexuality and avoid having to take prescription medication again.

Outside of my control - Naltrexone?

Submitted by StartingOver on

I've been seeing a therapist again. He has helped me realize that it is time for me to take medication. Because I have told myself not to masturbate, verbally and the urge was too strong. This happens often. Usually the urge to get the dopamine puts me in a state of mind where I am unable to reason with myself (though there are times I have).

Another Step - Semi Dating

Submitted by StartingOver on

There is a woman in my office building that I am kind of the seeing. We meet during our lunch/smoke breaks. These meetings have gradually gotten longer. First, we talk while she smokes (she artfully makes sure not to blow it in my face...just realized that my choice of words may be inapproprite considering this is a porn-addiction website); second we sat on the bench to talk and today where we walked around a local market.

A Small Victory

Submitted by StartingOver on

As I have discussed previously, my two major danger zones are before I go to bed and when I wake up. Last night, I didn't masturbate or fantasize and this morning I did something I've been wanting to do for the longest time - I choose to sleep late rather than to engage in masturbate or fantasize.

Need to get this off my chest

Submitted by StartingOver on

Hi All,

The last two months I really fell of this wagon. I did go 100 days but all it really did was peel off layers to expose to myself how addicted I really am. I'm 33, started when I was in my teens and had my porn induced ED at yes its been rough. For me the porn is in my brain, fantasies are just as bad as the porn (unfortunately I have been watching again - this week I am going to give my therapist my k9 and put a password in).