A few questions about male experience

Submitted by strawberry field on
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Hi,

as I find the area of sex very interesting (as an important part of human being) there are questions arising constantly. One question appeared when my boyfriend asked me to give him a hand job. For the first time I became aware that he somehow seemed strained (I remembered that this has always been the case with him) and I asked him why he did so. His answer was, that he strained to avoid orgasming too fast or to bring himself to orgasm. So he either gets an orgasm too fast or he doesn´t get one by itself.

I compared it to my own experiences: When I began the karezzian way of intercourse and didn´t focus on orgasm as the goal, orgasm easily appeared by itself. But when orgasm was my goal I had to work for it like my boyfriend had to (as I imagine his experience) and it was more like work than enjoyment. So I think his perception of sexual things might be not very satisfying because he cannot simply enjoy those things, he always has to "work" for it.

My question now is: How do other guys experience this - is/was it hard work and not easy to relax? Are there any techniques to relax and enjoy without ejaculating too fast?

I would like my boyfriend to enjoy sexuality and take the pressure off him...as his girlfriend I want to make him happy of course. He always had trouble in feeling "enough" and simply enjoying sex. He told me he was either like an observer who could think about complex mathematic problems while having sex or he was so "into it" that he dissociated completely and was "gone", out of his mind...he even cannot remember the special things that happened in a sexual situation, he completely forgets what happened while I can tell different things that made the situation special. So either he is the observer or he is completely lost in it.

Do some of you have similar experiences or explanations for this? I could imagine he has been traumatized sexually and he also thinks this could be a possibility...his first girl-friend kind of "raped" him by "taking" him without asking him if he wanted to have sex with her. It was his first time having sex and it may seem unusual but he wasn´t into sex that much at that time and felt a bit overwhelmed by her in a negative way. I know being "taken" by a girl normally is a sexual fantasy of boys but I also could imagine it could cause damage. What do you think?

Thanks for sharing your experiences, I am really interested in men´s perspectives.

Comments

guys are on two tracks

Track 1 is purely dopamine driven. I can get there if I want to but I'm not there anymore most of the time. That's the stimulation path. And it works whether it's porn or a vagina or a woman's mouth or hand.

Track 2 is love/oxytocin driven. It is not about mechanics and not about hand jobs. It is where I am almost all the time these days. It is about how I love my wife and nothing else is the same or anything even close.

I have to avoid Track 1 sometimes. I don't want to go there. I have my woman give me oral sometimes but I don't ejaculate. I try to avoid orgasm and only have had a few this year. It is an accident when it happens. The good feelings (an understatement) are usually so incredible. Things like hand jobs are not what I want at all.

But when I did, it was work for me only when I was totally desensitized through long time masturbating to porn. When I stopped that my sensitivity went back up and it no longer is work. I could easily come when my wife gives me a hand job (if I asked her to or let her) but I don't go after that because it isn't pleasurable the way my current sex life is.

 

 

Thanks, emerson

[quote/]But when I did, it was work for me only when I was totally desensitized through long time masturbating to porn. When I stopped that my sensitivity went back up and it no longer is work. I could easily come when my wife gives me a hand job (if I asked her to or let her) but I don't go after that because it isn't pleasurable the way my current sex life is.[/quote]

Was it hard work for you to not come too fast as well? To delay orgasm? Or do guys normally get orgasms very fast when they relax? Maybe one should learn to enjoy the touches without focusing on getting more aroused or getting orgasm...only then it´s possible to relax for a man...? I mean, women usually do not get an orgasm too fast so they can enjoy the whole thing more easily but do men always have to pay attention to not orgasm if they want to last sex for a longer time?

Maybe if I use "Track 2" more and more it´s easier for him to relax...I mean it must be somehow frustrating to always control yourself.

Sorry, I must seem a bit naive, but I really want to understand...(man, I am very confused today...)

confusing

I think we are talking about three different things:

1. If a guy is desensitized, especially if he has had an orgasm in the last hour, then it can be hard work to have another orgasm. It takes a lot of stimulation: fast stroking of the penis, and tensing the whole body seems to help trigger an orgasm.

2. If a guy feels like an orgasm is about to happen, he can sometimes prevent or delay it by squeezing the PC muscles (I believe). It's like "holding on" and avoiding peeing when you desperately need to pee. That can also look and feel like hard work.

I sometimes use that "holding on" technique during karezza, if I get too stimulated and feel like I'm about to have an orgasm. But if I'm not quite so close to orgasm, and I want to cool down a bit, I prefer to just open my eyes, look around the room (taking my attention off the sensations in my body), and take some deep breaths.

Normally, during karezza, those muscles are completely relaxed.

3. In order to avoid orgasm during karezza, I need to monitor my level of arousal and control the amount of stimulation I get, by slowing my movements, or stopping completely for a few seconds or a minute when I don't want to get any more aroused. It can take a few weeks or months of experimenting and practice to learn what level of arousal is "safe" and what level puts one at risk of having an orgasm.

When I was younger, I could lie still for minutes at a time without losing my erection. The feelings from lying still like that were quite delicious. Nowadays, it seems I need to move a lot more in order to keep my erection and avoid falling out.