Four months ago, I met up with a pen-pal of mine. It was that kind of pen-pal that you share a lot with and communicate frequently with. We were very flirty, and I felt like we had a good connection. Because of the huge distance I was very clear about one thing: we could not become a couple but we could have some fun. We decided to meet in Prague, where neither of us had been. She literally worked every evening during the trip. Unfortunately, I had gone into it expecting that we'd be lovers-for-a-week and she kinda went into it like a way to work with a view, I guess.
She cared not so much for me trying to teasing her or touching her. I talked to her about it, so that she would at least understand where I was coming from. She gave the typical, eye-roll-inducing things about "just being friends" and "waiting for the right one" and "if I have sex with you I'd fall in love and I don't want that" and the dreaded "why don't you just pay prostitutes if it's so urgent for you" (yes, this is awful, and she said it. I was dumb-funded but next time I'll protest). I was deflated. Okay, so this is the second day and we had 5 more days to kill. I realized this was not good.
Despite her insistance on working in the evening, there was one moment during one day where we had some connection and I kissed her. But she stopped me when I tried to escalate. Oh, well. From that moment on we cuddled in bed during the night and the mornings to following day. I had to initiate, but she really enjoyed being close together, feeling each other heart beats etcetera.
Okay, it's difficult to explain this weird situation, and I'm not saying it is desirable, I'm just saying how it was to me. The cuddling improved things. It made it easier for me to deal with the feelings of anger, sadness and what-have-you from the rejection. When we changed hotel, we had separate beds and her lack of interest was apparent. I decided, that's it, so be it, no more cuddling. I was very unhappy that she just couldn't love me back the way I loved her. I really had trouble keeping myself together. It was tough. I couldn't sleep! I was in a terrible mood the day after. She did notice my mood swing but what could she do? I wouldn't have admitted it then, but she did the right thing sticking to her guns and not leading me on.
The rest of the trip was not so remarkable, we did some touristy things and we were always friendly with each other. She made me promise that I'd text her as soon as I got back home, which I dutifully did, but I think both of us knew that letter exchange we used to have was over. I don't blame her per se, I'm just not feeling it any longer.
I really need to be better with communicating my desires and expectations. It's better to be honest and direct and not get into these strange situations where the other person is in a totally different world. I see what I did wrong. It's painful! But I'm not too hard on myself. For instance, this idea of hers that she had to work in the evenings was something out of the blue. No matter what I'd done, nothing could've prepared me for that one :)
Looking back, it was not wise to invest so much time in a pen pal (a whole week, what was I thinking), not to mention someone I can't live with (b.c. distance). Also why should I go looking for love in these places where there's no solution but heart break? Obviously, I need to work on my priorities.