So hello- i haven't been on here in awhile. Recap of my bf and my experiences regarding karezza. We've been together over a year now and it's been one helluva ride- a bumpy one for sure. Beginning in our relationship we had a lot of sex and then I realized I felt almost no pleasure from it, so I read Cupid's Arrow that he suggested I read, and I was entranced by the concepts of sex hormones affecting not only my sex life but my relationship and emotional life.... Which was anxious at best, unstable and depressive at worst.. Which came of course after the honeymoon period of a month or so.
....later I wanted to have orgasms and once I did I realized how addicting they became and how much tension I produced in my own body by searching for them during sex and while not having sex. I abstained from masturbation, but I had to relearn how to relax my pelvis to reclaim the sexual desire that was seeking orgasm (but truly seeking sexual intimacy, trust, and slow feeling). It was rough with my boyfriend giving up sex for a month because I wanted to abstain from orgasm and sex- and he didn't, but he didn't want to push me to do more than what I wanted, and learned later that waiting for when I wanted it brought more passion and honest, genuine excitement for both of us.
Later, when we started having sex again, I wanted to try it slow, like karezza style, and we experimented. He enjoyed it, as my vagina became more responsive. During this time- about 8 months after we started having sex- and up until a couple months ago, we experimented a lot with me laying down and relaxing as much as possible (letting go and surrendering to whatever felt good). If it didn't feel good, I told him and we would often stop having sex or I would develop tension and we would try something else so I could have an orgasm which was desired in those moments. I learned from myself later that if I had tension in my pelvis, it was because I had a desire to express my sexuality- and it was up to me to decide how to express that appropriately, meaning that if I could sense that an orgasm would make me feel more tense, I wouldn't do it and would try to relax as much as possible by myself or cuddle (A LOT) with my bf. because my bf allowed me so much room and time to choose when and how I wanted to have sex- which should be expected but I had never experienced someone actually living by that respect before- I became more aware and honest of when I did want to express sexual feelings or affection, or want to do something sexual, including oral sex for him and him touching my vagina or mutually masturbating- truly many things, not in an attitude of wild or crazy but tentative, gentle, honest, and with care.
He grew a lot as well, learning that sex does not have to happen every day like he had imagined when we first met, and that going slower allowed him to feel intimacy with me that fast sex or as he calls it "two people battling eachother in bed" hinders him from feeling. I feel very happy about that, and he feels grateful that we had this process, whereas some people have tons of crazy conventional sex and become bored with eachother within a year. We have not become bored which I feel happy to admit. Most of this is because we have really gone through "hell"- my own thoughts and emotions about sex and both our expectations of what sex is, and not feeling deserving or loved- and come out enjoying whatever we experience together- which is the point!
So recently, as of the past couple days, things have been significantly better, or at least felt (literally) by me. My bf had recently been on a coconut water fast, which left him with low libido as his body focused on rejuvenating. But it ALSO left him with more sexual energy later. He noted himself that he was harder because we had waited a week and a half to do any kind of sexual interaction. This isn't very long, but we had been having sex at least twice a week prior to this recovery time. Anyways, we first had sex again, or it came about because I wanted to give him oral sex and it felt very natural and arousing to me to give to him. I was happy to do so. I didn't move much but allowed him to move in my mouth,... Which truly is what started this feeling I have had in my sexuality for the past couple days.
When I don't move, in a way that I am relaxed and I feel no need to move "for anyone else" and remain relaxed for myself, then I truly feel what he is giving to be in the form of movement and himself, his body. I feel joy that he wants to give to me as I feel his body move. When he entered me or the other time we had sex, this same attitude or body-relaxation mindset continued with me, and as I did not move "for anyone else", and even when I didn't feel aroused but I was honest in being still or not "adjusting" for him- including not tensing my vaginal muscles when he enters, and not tensing my pelvis groin when he moves towards me- -- all of this relaxation and not moving on my part allowed me to feel the most pleasure that I have ever felt from him, or anyone else that I have ever had sex with- and I've been having sex since I was 15!
It's not that I know that I cannot relax even more or more duration to feel even more from him, but I am pleased because I thought that I might NEVER feel the pleasure of him moving inside me. Honestly. It was a shitty feeling and depressed thought early in our relationship that I didn't feel pleasure,... And many upon many times I had cried to him or myself to sleep feeling that I would never experience sexual pleasure or my partner. I feel very happy that being "me" that is, simply not moving, is when I can feel him. I'm not sure what this means for my future of moving more with my body, like if I was on top, and perhaps still allowing no willed "movement" or adjustments in my vagina, or whether it is the natural role for the woman to remain relaxed. I know better than to ever give an ultimatum on sex, so we of course experiment, including more actual karezza in the future, although the sex we've had the past couple days has been pretty slow and relaxing on my side. I also want to encourage karezza inspiration on his side with no ejaculation if and when he would want to explore it.
I have my partner to thank for giving me all the space in the world and never forcing me to do something he wanted and I didn't during sex.. Always allowing me choice. And also for teaching me and always approaching sex as something he enjoys because it is with me, not because he can ejaculate. He has told me many times that he is not with me to have sex with me, and that. There is all the time in the world to have sex, we don't need to rush, and he has had enough sex to last him a lifetime if we never had sex again. This attitude toward respecting my fears of him leaving me if we didn't have sex helped immensely with creating an emotional environment which I can choose to enjoy sex or not, have sex or not, do some kinds of sex or not and it is up to me... With him. He has also made the choice to not have sex with me sometimes when I want it, simply being honest with himself and I feel absolutely delighted that he feels so comfortable with me to do that, rather than feeling that he has to fake or pretend to be aroused or less aroused out of fear. I love that we can both be honest with eachother.
I also have to thank myself for trying through everything... Every bit of experimentation and listening to my own feelings and needs and not pushing them away but listening to my small voices that say "I don't want to have sex" or "that doesn't feel good" or "I want to do that again, it felt good". Or my other small voices and needs relating to my emotional self that showed me I didn't actually want sex, but u did want to be clear about an argument or expression or my own development.
Thanks for hangin in there reading this! I appreciate a place to express my joy and I have so much gratitude to the makers of this site for creating the book Cupid's arrow as well as having a space to figure this all out. This place was indispensable in our journey.