"Pros" and Cons of my Conventional Female Orgasms

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If you want to hear about specific feedback that I'd like to hear from others, please read the end, but if you'd like to understand where I'm coming from you can read the whole thing THANK YOU

So, update on where and what my bf have been doing the past two months..

I was having a real hard time with emotional rollercoaster symptoms post-orgasm and so I stopped having them altogether for about one and a half months. My bf was getting more and more used to the idea and practice of going slower during sex in general, and even holding still for up to ten minutes at a time. From this, I felt a lot safer and more secure during sex and my vagina became more responsive, rather than reactive. I am able to feel deeper satisfaction than I ever had, although I anticipate that there is much more to feel and a lot more ways for us to feel connected than what we have already experienced. I will tell more later in another few posts different experiences we have had which were positive and negative.

Since not having orgasms, my emotional aftereffects were less and less and didn't appear altogether quite a few times, which brings me a sense of relief, pride, and happiness that I can now experience sex without tear-jerking tension in my body afterwards. It was a real emotional-physical-psychological hell that I am happy I found a way out of. Hell, mainly because of the contrast between my perceived desire to feel such calm connectedness and pleasure and then finding afterwards that I have strong feelings of jealousy, resentment, anger, tension, and anxiety. Not fun, and I am very happy that slowing down and allowing myself to relax without the thought of orgasm has alleviated this. I appreciated reuniting's support on this.

All this while, my bf was and is still having conventional orgasms, but I'm not in the business of telling him to stop. All I wanted was for him to allow me time and space to feel more of him inside of me with different experiments of tempo, positions, and more relaxing foreplay, which he definitely has done and I am very grateful.


Two weeks ago, (Feb. 16th) however, we were going for a verrrry long time during having sex, and I ended up having an intense orgasm. Not the pleasant kind, but very tension producing and headache producing (almost as if I got a HUGE dopamine shot in my brain). I have had about four other orgasms within the past two weeks since that time.

I know everyone's orgasms are different, so I will explain mine. My conventional orgasms mostly come from the combination of strong tension in my vagina, legs, and body and quicker movement from my boyfriend. I get a "hard" sensation in the g-spot, right behind my pubic bone, at the peak of it and I feel a rush of sensation that moves into the back of my neck and my forehead. I do not have the pleasant, relaxed, smiley feelings of warmth and connection towards my partner that I have experienced at other times, but rather I feel like my body becomes a tense frame of muscles and bones.. while I would like to have these pleasant lovey feelings, I apparently cannot imagine them out of thin air, no matter how many times I've tried.

I have noticed that these orgasms typically lessen my ability to sense pleasure in the following sessions of sex. I think it is due to a buildup of tension in my vaginal wall that I have a hard time relaxing completely once arousal comes around again.

I *also* noticed that about a week ago, I had a large emotional jealousy outbreak, a few days after I had had another orgasm. He was up late talking to friends on Facebook and had drank a bit as well. I was up early, focused on getting some things done and I had a large envious, jealous, suspicious, and frightened feeling that his friends he was talking to were in some way romantically connected with him. I ended up reading his facebook messages, and of course, didn't see anything romantically related, but saw a line that he felt spiritually connected to one of his friends. I took this the wrong way, and ended up waking him with nervous, jealous questions, like "do you like so and so?" and "do you feel connected to me?" I knew initially, and I figured out through my own stepping back and talking through with him that I was NOT actually jealous of anyone, but I sincerely desired connection with him that somehow I felt was missing. Not without negative consequences for him, because he said he felt very vulnerable and exploited that I looked through his messages with the intent of accusing him of infidelity. I also felt very ashamed that I acted on my emotions without telling him my other feelings first, that I felt like I was left out or that I felt frightened. I don't KNOW WHY these feelings would come to me so strongly out of the blue otherwise. I recognize the strong feeling of jealousy that I had- my vagina tensed up and my butt muscles tensed up into my body, and I felt empty and scared. I realized that I have the same feeling after my conventional orgasms sometimes.


For me, I know that conventional orgasms have not proven worthy in a few realms so far. I end up feeling physically tense. I lessen my own ability to feel physical pleasure in the future. And, my emotions related to the feelings in my body start telling me that something is wrong, that my boyfriend is unfaithful and that we are not as connected as I think we should be. And.. another one, I start lacking motivation for doing other things besides sex, ironically.. because I want to reestablish a positive bond with my boyfriend where my body and mind perceives there is less of or none. My bf says that I demonize orgasms, but I feel that they demonize me! :)

While a year ago, I would have been ECSTATIC that I can have these type of orgasms regularly now, I have learned that I only have this ability from developing slower, karezza-influenced sensitivity and feeling and also I have learned that these types of orgasms do NOT COMPARE to the rich, deep, satisfying, calm, pleasurable, long-lasting feelings that slower, relaxing sex can bring me. I've learned that the best feelings for me during sex are related to a deep relaxation and mentally-uninhibited desire in action. But I will speak about that topic later..

So here are the "pro's" and cons of my conventional orgasms I put the pros in quotes because I feel like these pros would alleviate themselves or disappear with connecting, karezza sex and no orgasms.

Temporarily satisfies cravings that are truly about wanting to feel connection, but are perceived as wanting an orgasm
Allows my boyfriend to move without slowing down to prevent my orgasm - although that's a crappy reason I know because he's told me he's fine with slowing down

Cons: all of the above I already wrote down, but here again
Physical tension in my neck, lower back, crotch, butt, feet, and shoulders
Emotional confusion, feeling of emptiness or wrongness that I can't point a finger on, [until I put a finger on a WRONG cause, like my boyfriend wanting someone else, or me not having orgasms] :P
Harder to trust boyfriend from combination of less ability to feel relaxed, or to feel pleasure.

It's all so simple, but I keep seeming to believe that SOMEDAY I WILL ENJOY ORGASMS (conventional ones). I'm pretty sure the first one I had for awhile two weeks ago was not pleasant and I became very angry and cried afterwards from the tension it produced, so this belief that I will enjoy them in the future seems like a far-fetched myth that I could let go of.

I'd like to hear more from other people what perceived pros or cons they have with conventional orgasms..
I'd like to hear what kinds of feelings you have from no orgasms, or non-conventional orgasms that aren't the tension producing emotion-crazy triggering kind. I'd like to have something to look forward to, although I know it's our own journey to find.


Sounds like you're learning

interesting things. Can you concentrate on NOT tensing up during sex? That might decrease the fallout. Keep breathing and relaxing.

Have you read this section of Karezza Korner?

Orgasm hangover?

That neurochemically driven insanity (jealousy, etc) is just miserable. But you're learning interesting things about your individual sexual response. In the long run, that will be useful. Have you read this article? Women: Does Orgasm Give You A Hangover? | Reuniting

Seems we do have similar experiences

Thank you for posting this - it´s a bit hard to find other women with similar experiences and the will to talk about it. So with no-one to mirror ones experiences you begin to doubt your own perception. I often had the feeling I might "demonize" orgasms and it´s not really their "fault" and I might just use them as a black sheep and in actual fact it´s just me who is "crazy".^^

My boyfriend doesn´t believe in this orgasm-thing as well and cannot imagine it would have such a great impact. But he is always impressed when we have karezza-like sex (which is slow sex but WITH orgasm - I am not strong enough to be that disciplined to quit orgasm completely for now - because my boyfriend isn´t into it)...he always makes comments like: That was really great...so he doesn´t "believe" in the theory but he experiences it in reality.

So reading your story makes believing in the theory much easier for me (though I should be convinced, having seen all those proofs).

To your questions:

I think I know that kind of orgasm you describe but I don´t experience only this kind. There are some that are a "light" version of an orgasm, just like "was there something?" and that kind doesn´t seem to have that great impact on my mood. Sometimes they happen during conventional sex "by accident", sometimes they happen during karezza-like sex and I am always happy when they happen instead of a "big one" because they don´t drain energy that much.
I also do have a kind that goes like water throughout my body, it´s not like the "big ones" or the "small ones", it´s somewhere in the middle and really feels pleasant and relaxing. The "big ones" always feel like a big cramp, not relaxing. I experience those mostly when we do normal speed, it´s the "conventional orgasm". The other orgasms I experience when going slower, but sometimes a big one appears as well BECAUSE we do it slowly - going slowly can arouse me very much. So yeah, it´s not that predictable and controllable.

Because there are different kinds of orgasm I cannot say that orgasm itself has those "pros" and "contras". I definitely blame the big one for mood-swings and therefore wouldn´t give him too many points on the "pro"-side, furthermore it may admittedly feel "great" but it also feels a bit like a pain-cramp (though I don´t have pain during it), it feels like a mixture of misery and joy and is always followed by a "shadow", a "dark mood" (I don´t know how to describe it without sounding esoteric).

Well, the small ones are "okay" - what else to say?^^

The most I like the ones that go through my body like water, they are light but clearly noticeable and I don´t feel drained by them. How much impact they do have on everyday-life I don´t know. Surely not that much as a big one (okay, now I am demonizing it^^).

What helps me evaluate all those feelings is to take a look on the energy - how much is needed, how much goes away, is it circulating...and so on.

It works for me to have orgasms sometimes (!) and to have always (!) karezza-like sex. The problem is that my boyfriend doesn´t always want to have karezza-like sex (well he just doesn´t know he wants to, but I can say from his comments, that this is his favorite^^) AND the second problem is, that orgasms bring along more cravings for orgasms, so if you have one you want to have more and suddenly you are back to old habits and conventional sex. So, what worked for me and my boyfriend, were some of the given conditions that come along with a long-distance-relationship: We see each other on weekends, so if I don´t masturbate I don´t have so many orgasms - this is one good requirement to get along. The second one is to have slow sex everytime we do have sex and to cuddle a lot. Worked for a few weeks, than we turned back to old habits and mood-swings on my side.

So...having orgasms SOMETIMES would work out for me (and maybe others, too) but it´s really hard to stay on that path. Strict karezza is the way to make it easier to stay on the path because you just do ONE thing and don´t have to balance between two kinds of sex (orgasm-driven and not orgasm-driven). So if your boyfriend is considerate and slows down when you need it I would say: stay on that not orgasm-driven path - your partner isn´t making it too hard by going fast, so you can make it. My partner is sometimes making it hard for me to stay on that path...

Well...have fun on your way. :)
AND I think we are NOT crazy, it´s just the hormones and women might have a harder time when the hormonal cycle is a complete mess.^^
I think, if we stay conscious and focused, it will be easier to find our way and stay on it. What we do must be done consciously and what we perceive must be looked at from a few steps away...by the way, meditation has helped me a lot.
Okay, that should be enough for now, I always tend to write too much...

I agree that mixing

I agree that mixing conventional sex with karezza can be a juggling act due to any cravings. I don't know if there's a good solution for that given how humans are wired. I find that if things shift out of a more gentle state, the result can be similar with or without orgasm. The craving/withdrawal cycle isn't fun.

in my experience

My wife may be "better off" not having orgasms, but she still does and is more orgasmic than she has been in many, many years. We do a lot of bonding activities and that does counter, plus we have intercourse quite often without orgasm at all. I don't have an orgasm unless I have an accidental one. It can be tough to not have one when she does, but it isn't that tough. It is rather fun of course. I get to enjoy hers and not have my own. 

When I do have them, they often cause a lot of fallout that I was never aware of before. They interfere with my feelings for her. It seems that day 7 is a bad one, weirdly. I really don't enjoy that, and they aren't worth it, and I don't like having them. My wife however may have 2 or 3 or more and seems fine with it... 


Thanks everyone, I'm

so late getting back to everyone, hope it's not an issue. Thank you for your thoughtful candid feedback.

To Marnia- I do "try" relaxing.. I really do. It has been a theme in our sexual journey that I have trouble relaxing and i think it relates to gently transfering or blending/relaxing into positive thoughts when doubts arise. This is something I'm a beginner in doing in everyday life. I have not yet successfully and consistently done this in sex. Going slower helps because I have the space to realize that I'm feeling a doubt and then relax into transferring it to a positive thought. Typically, i get caught in a catch 22 of not relaxing and then doubting that I can relax, which I feel sad about. But I realize it is all possible, and transferring my doubts into positive thoughts, actions, or relaxations is something I can do, although I haven't done it yet.

We figured out that part of my jealousy, negative emotions and tension is because I haven't developed myself. I realize that I have a lot of hidden expectations in what sex will do to my life.. But it is only one part of my life. He thinks that I need to take more responsibility for my feelings- in a good way, owning them- and I agree. Having sex when I am not doing this is counter productive. I have this wide open space to experience a lot more of my life besides sex and I would like to explore it. Sex seems lifeless sometimes. It may be stimulating or even relaxing, but I have relied on it for many years as a source of self development and not giving other areas if my life equal attention and dedication.

Strawberry fields

Thank you so much for your insights. I would like to share more with you about our experiences in relation to what you shared, but I am busy right this moment, I look forward to messaging you sometime soon.

Thank you!

Gentle Vegan, thanks for opening up this discussion! I hope my notes help.

I've been noticing that days and weeks after orgasm (small type O these days) I think I get grouchy, selfish, and irritable, especially toward my man. Although, I'm not sure since it's hard to keep track of orgasm after-effects vs. emotional effects of my cycle.

So, for the past month, I've been circulating my energy instead of masturbating whenever that urge comes up. I love being able to use the extra energy for other things, and I think I've been more loving and less irritable. For about 2 weeks I was bothered by headaches and waking up at 3 or 4AM. It's possible that those things relate to orgasm withdrawal. They seem to have gone away now. Its easy for me to wake up at 6AM or so now, which is awesome.

Anyway, I share this to say that I've experienced some benefits to giving up "le petit" orgasm.

Maybe more importantly, though, I want to testify to the existence of something much, much, much better out there. This article: http://reuniting.info/blogs/marnia/why-sex-should-be-treated-spiritual-p... alluded to 'cosmic ecstasy.' In my experience, that is for real, and it's worth any journey.

I really loved this interview, which mentions the same thing (If you: http://www.reuniting.info/interview_of_diana_richardson. The whole thing is great. The last 5 minutes relate to "cosmic ecstasy" in lovemaking.

My summary of the points I got out of it are:
- A woman's sexual energy begins and opens in the breasts.
- Instead of always hovering outside our body to see how it looks from the outside, to be sexually whole, we need to live inside our body, especially paying attention to being in and with our breasts.
- Lovemaking as a non-goal oriented, slow thing (because women are naturally slow to open, and that's NORMAL) can lead into otherworldly, joyful, healing experiences. I have experienced this, years ago.