If you want to hear about specific feedback that I'd like to hear from others, please read the end, but if you'd like to understand where I'm coming from you can read the whole thing THANK YOU
So, update on where and what my bf have been doing the past two months..
I was having a real hard time with emotional rollercoaster symptoms post-orgasm and so I stopped having them altogether for about one and a half months. My bf was getting more and more used to the idea and practice of going slower during sex in general, and even holding still for up to ten minutes at a time. From this, I felt a lot safer and more secure during sex and my vagina became more responsive, rather than reactive. I am able to feel deeper satisfaction than I ever had, although I anticipate that there is much more to feel and a lot more ways for us to feel connected than what we have already experienced. I will tell more later in another few posts different experiences we have had which were positive and negative.
Since not having orgasms, my emotional aftereffects were less and less and didn't appear altogether quite a few times, which brings me a sense of relief, pride, and happiness that I can now experience sex without tear-jerking tension in my body afterwards. It was a real emotional-physical-psychological hell that I am happy I found a way out of. Hell, mainly because of the contrast between my perceived desire to feel such calm connectedness and pleasure and then finding afterwards that I have strong feelings of jealousy, resentment, anger, tension, and anxiety. Not fun, and I am very happy that slowing down and allowing myself to relax without the thought of orgasm has alleviated this. I appreciated reuniting's support on this.
All this while, my bf was and is still having conventional orgasms, but I'm not in the business of telling him to stop. All I wanted was for him to allow me time and space to feel more of him inside of me with different experiments of tempo, positions, and more relaxing foreplay, which he definitely has done and I am very grateful.
Two weeks ago, (Feb. 16th) however, we were going for a verrrry long time during having sex, and I ended up having an intense orgasm. Not the pleasant kind, but very tension producing and headache producing (almost as if I got a HUGE dopamine shot in my brain). I have had about four other orgasms within the past two weeks since that time.
I know everyone's orgasms are different, so I will explain mine. My conventional orgasms mostly come from the combination of strong tension in my vagina, legs, and body and quicker movement from my boyfriend. I get a "hard" sensation in the g-spot, right behind my pubic bone, at the peak of it and I feel a rush of sensation that moves into the back of my neck and my forehead. I do not have the pleasant, relaxed, smiley feelings of warmth and connection towards my partner that I have experienced at other times, but rather I feel like my body becomes a tense frame of muscles and bones.. while I would like to have these pleasant lovey feelings, I apparently cannot imagine them out of thin air, no matter how many times I've tried.
I have noticed that these orgasms typically lessen my ability to sense pleasure in the following sessions of sex. I think it is due to a buildup of tension in my vaginal wall that I have a hard time relaxing completely once arousal comes around again.
I *also* noticed that about a week ago, I had a large emotional jealousy outbreak, a few days after I had had another orgasm. He was up late talking to friends on Facebook and had drank a bit as well. I was up early, focused on getting some things done and I had a large envious, jealous, suspicious, and frightened feeling that his friends he was talking to were in some way romantically connected with him. I ended up reading his facebook messages, and of course, didn't see anything romantically related, but saw a line that he felt spiritually connected to one of his friends. I took this the wrong way, and ended up waking him with nervous, jealous questions, like "do you like so and so?" and "do you feel connected to me?" I knew initially, and I figured out through my own stepping back and talking through with him that I was NOT actually jealous of anyone, but I sincerely desired connection with him that somehow I felt was missing. Not without negative consequences for him, because he said he felt very vulnerable and exploited that I looked through his messages with the intent of accusing him of infidelity. I also felt very ashamed that I acted on my emotions without telling him my other feelings first, that I felt like I was left out or that I felt frightened. I don't KNOW WHY these feelings would come to me so strongly out of the blue otherwise. I recognize the strong feeling of jealousy that I had- my vagina tensed up and my butt muscles tensed up into my body, and I felt empty and scared. I realized that I have the same feeling after my conventional orgasms sometimes.
For me, I know that conventional orgasms have not proven worthy in a few realms so far. I end up feeling physically tense. I lessen my own ability to feel physical pleasure in the future. And, my emotions related to the feelings in my body start telling me that something is wrong, that my boyfriend is unfaithful and that we are not as connected as I think we should be. And.. another one, I start lacking motivation for doing other things besides sex, ironically.. because I want to reestablish a positive bond with my boyfriend where my body and mind perceives there is less of or none. My bf says that I demonize orgasms, but I feel that they demonize me! :)
While a year ago, I would have been ECSTATIC that I can have these type of orgasms regularly now, I have learned that I only have this ability from developing slower, karezza-influenced sensitivity and feeling and also I have learned that these types of orgasms do NOT COMPARE to the rich, deep, satisfying, calm, pleasurable, long-lasting feelings that slower, relaxing sex can bring me. I've learned that the best feelings for me during sex are related to a deep relaxation and mentally-uninhibited desire in action. But I will speak about that topic later..
So here are the "pro's" and cons of my conventional orgasms I put the pros in quotes because I feel like these pros would alleviate themselves or disappear with connecting, karezza sex and no orgasms.
Temporarily satisfies cravings that are truly about wanting to feel connection, but are perceived as wanting an orgasm
Allows my boyfriend to move without slowing down to prevent my orgasm - although that's a crappy reason I know because he's told me he's fine with slowing down
Cons: all of the above I already wrote down, but here again
Physical tension in my neck, lower back, crotch, butt, feet, and shoulders
Emotional confusion, feeling of emptiness or wrongness that I can't point a finger on, [until I put a finger on a WRONG cause, like my boyfriend wanting someone else, or me not having orgasms] :P
Harder to trust boyfriend from combination of less ability to feel relaxed, or to feel pleasure.
It's all so simple, but I keep seeming to believe that SOMEDAY I WILL ENJOY ORGASMS (conventional ones). I'm pretty sure the first one I had for awhile two weeks ago was not pleasant and I became very angry and cried afterwards from the tension it produced, so this belief that I will enjoy them in the future seems like a far-fetched myth that I could let go of.
I'd like to hear more from other people what perceived pros or cons they have with conventional orgasms..
I'd like to hear what kinds of feelings you have from no orgasms, or non-conventional orgasms that aren't the tension producing emotion-crazy triggering kind. I'd like to have something to look forward to, although I know it's our own journey to find.