Update- Starting out- the satisfying and not so satisfying

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My boyfriend and I have been having more karezza influenced sex since the middle of November. That means, he ejaculates at least once a week.. Although I have not had an orgasm for over a month- and I am just fine with that

In the beginning of our journey, my goal was to not cry after sex. Because oftentimes I couldn't feel anything, or had a hard time feeling, and my vagina would become non-responsive. Basically I would essentially "give up" and let him in without feeling as much as I wanted to, while he would orgasm every time. I ended up feeling like I had raped myself, and I would either break down or hold in a lot of tension that I would end up letting out in little bits throughout the day.

So, in line with the first goal, my next goal was to become more aware of my true feelings before and after sex- if I really wanted it or not, and what exactly I wanted. We tried staying still with him inside me for short periods of time- maybe a few minutes, if he was able to maintain his erection. These few moments helped calm some of my anxiety, and allowed me to start focusing on how my vagina was feeling or not feeling my partner's penis. A few times we had sex, during the still moments mostly, I felt my vagina and his penis, and even felt my vagina respond in either small pulsations around him or more relaxation while he was inside of me.

The struggles we have had are I think related that we are both on different corners of the same page. We both want to feel good to express ourselves sexually, but we find that he wants more movement and I want less. I communicate when I'd like less movement, although he doesn't often communicate when he wants more because he is often afraid it will put pressure on me, which I think might happen as well.

I end up feeling sad that I am not allowing him to express freely without catering to me, but I don't want to end up going past where I am comfortable , "give up", and then get very tense, cry or feel abandoned by myself, which has happened a couple times over the past month.

We have done more cuddling, kisses, massages, eye gazing, laughter and hand holding since a couple months ago, and I think it's due to a conscious effort as well as me feeling more safe and comfortable while we're having sex, which ripples to the rest of our days.

I'm going to be honest, that a few days ago, we had a sexual experience after smoking weed, and the effects helped me experience more of him being inside me that I ever had before. I hope I can share this here- if not, I won't again- or that this is not seen as an immoral. We both see hallucinogens as to use responsibly for the greater expansion of consciousness or awareness, not purely for recreation or frequent use.

After I had come down a little bit, we started to have sex, and I felt a lot, even though it was probably faster than we normally move. We both felt a lot more free to experience. For me, I felt each moment, closer to the actual passage of time, rather than only feeling every tenth second or every other minute even. I told him that I felt like I could draw him, because I felt every curve and side of his penis. He thought I was talking about drawing him in with my vagina, which I was doing a lot more. As I came down from the experience more and more, I felt less and less. For a few minutes, we remained very connected and we moved as if we were both rocking on an arc that was part of a continuum. It felt like we were connecting to a larger part of something else.

It wasn't like smoking made the experience ecstatic for either of us, but rather more connected. So we came to the conclusion that having sex earlier in the experience, and "feeding" me by staying still, is something we would like to try if we smoke again.

Yesterday morning we had what I'd say was a positive step for us, because I ended up feeling more satisfied than not, neither of us went over the edge, and we went for an hour, a good time for morning. We woke up in bed and I felt like I wanted him inside me. I cuddled on top of him and within a minute, either he or I put his penis inside of me. I moved on top of him a little bit, which felt calming and good to me, and apparently felt good to him. We both moaned softly a bit. After about twenty minutes between movement and non-movement, I laid still on top of him like a frog and I breathed with him unconsciously. I focused my attention to my vagina and him inside me and suddenly I started feeling these small movements and waves move through my sitting bones, lower abs and back. As we laid chest to chest, I started to also feel more go through my chest, and this is where I started to notice that wishy washy karezza stuff, where I understood that I was allowing myself to receive his energy, and allow it to move through me, and how that energy "connects the loop" by going through my chest for him to receive. Maybe it was in my mind, but I felt that loop for a few moments. Of course, I didn't start by allowing it to happen consciously, I just started feeling energy, and I allowed it. At that point, I knew that I had "no goal", that is, I wasn't searching to take his energy, I was just allowing whatever energy was there to be there.

Honestly, I don't think we would have had the experience if he had not come three times- or felt free to express- a couple days before, but in any case, I think it was good to have experienced a closer to normal karezza sex experience, that being neither of us orgasming, me feeling "fed" and having positive feelings afterwards. He said that he enjoyed it , but I'm never quite sure how honest he is with me.

That's all for now- thanks for reading. I appreciate the feedback from this community.

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Breakthroughs

can show up in all kinds of unexpected ways. Just keep going.

I hadn't realized he was still orgasming so frequently. I thought from all his whining that he was making the ultimate sacrifice. Biggrin

Yeah I guess so

Later today, we ended up connecting in a more positive and then negative way.. Going slower, then going too fast.. I was relaxed for the second bit, but my body is ultimately more tense feeling in general, and he have me a massage afterwards from it. I think he will understand how fast sex affects me the more I am verbal with him what is going on in a sympathetic way.
Yeah, he told me sometime back that he thought orgasm created a release and then a recreation of new tension in his pelvic muscles, but I think I'm going to allow him to figure it out. I asked him today about if this was the case regarding specific instances, and he said no, but again, I think there may be more insight later.

Thanks!