I am the new guy here. Age:21 Gender: Male
I want to any feed back. Any advice. This post will be long... But I need to get it out.
Anyways, I have been haunted with demons for years.... Years. It started off when I was younger. Probably early teens? I am not to sure as I was very... angry and have little to no memory of anything before High School. I think what started it was a picture or something? I am not sure.... But I remember just now a collection of books I got from a family friend. These were photography books. And none of the books was labeled "nude" or something. I believe from national geographic? I think that is where it began.....
I saw a beautiful older women posing nude in an artist way. It stirred feels... What were these? So from there I went from there to looking up definitions. Those definitions left to synonyms...
Then we had the internet. I hate the internet and love it. But when I was younger I hacked into my papers computer. Quite simple then, however in no way did I help myself. Those "nude" pictures were "cool", "interest", and something I wanted to learn about. I fen for knowledge and new things. But this is one that would forever alter my life completely.
After hacking there computer whatever way I could I used google. Which lead to pictures that were extremely stimulating. I knew it was wrong admitted to my mother once or twice and cried a few times. Then I got "numb". I didn't see it as wrong. Mind you this was around the age of 12 if I am correct. It hurt my social life come to think of it. I interacted incorrectly with people making jokes that were incorrect. I couldn't communicate with women. I was lost, hurt, and very angry. Which lead to problems with school etc etc etc. Then the jokes came - "gay", "faggot", "dushbag", or any other creative name kids can think up these days. It HURT alot. I knew I liked girls but why didnt they talk to me?
Due to social issues, grades, and disrespect for my parents I was sent to a military boarding school for 7th and 8th grade. It was mostly all male. Simply put, I never interacted with girls before as I had anger issues and everyone didn't "like" me. Thus this environment was new. I think it was my 7th grade year?... I was raped? 1/2 way consensual? I mean I didn't scream or shit... but what was I to do? I thought I liked it? I never had male sex... I made out I think? but I was still majority hurt. Males are easily stimulated so I was confused about this? "What the hell is going on"? Not even joking this is a ghost I CANT shake and still hurt when I think about it... I told my best friend(we will call her Sam) once and she tried her best to support me but had no clue(of course). I have know her since I was 18ish. For example, In high school I was not even able to tell a long time girlfriend. So, my best friend I confided in was extremely well trusted. More than my parents, priest, or anyone else I know at this time. So back to middle school in 8th grade I obtained a leadership role and was in charge of th first platoon of Mike Companythen advance to commanding officer(CO) of Mike Company. Then I kid in 6th grade was threatened/blackmailed to say I was racist and called him slurs because he was black.
Mind you during this time my "porn" was magazine of fully clothed and scantily clad women. I was confused again... So much confusion. So so so much unrest in my heart. I then went back to my hometown and continued my schooling at a private Christan high school. But still I didn't understand ME. I went though many relationships. I am straight but porn fueled strange fantasy I blocked out.
Then I moved out. Started to watch porn more straight, 2 girls, 3 way... etc etc. I knew it was hurting me... But I kept going. I never really craved it. But use to way in the past. Then it got into really nasty stuff. I from time to time stumbled on gay porn and felt stimulated. But how can that be? As described in many articles here its the plasticity of them mind. You need more reward to get the same effect... I was not getting that.
So bottom line ages 12 to present porn has held my life hostage. I decided I AM NOT your damn slave. I CANT live like this and be successful.
This decision was made yesterday. Stop porn now. I have considered asking friends, going to a therapist, priest, etc... I cant trust them
Whether they judge, write everything down, and possible tell me its wrong(well duh) I cant trust them. So why not get help from people afflicted? So I decided. Get my $h!t together now and find a way. I don't want to go to a support group as I know a lot of people in my area. I may be young but I know a lot of people.
The main reason that scares me is gay thoughts and being aroused. I am completely straight. Its wrong morally for me, I am not attracted even in a fantasy but just the actions being done, guys are not attractive.
But as many people mentioned its a mental battle that you will lose because you always debate. Your debating yourself about a problem you have... How the hell can you win a battle you started? You cant. I was lying.
I need to stop as my degrees will be done. I want to get married and know I CANT if I dont stop. I cant love someone without first loving myself. I am a nice guy and not even a bro. I changed since middle school, extrovert, smart, reading, gaming, running, biking, cars, building computer, white hacking, jobs since I was 16... living life... But not happy.
I dont know where to start. I need to change. I need support cause this beast is gonna get his head cut off and everyone can feel good about saving another from this demon.
Any advice? I have no idea where to start? Also I believe its been 3 days.