It's day 19 of sex almost every day, and the theme on my mind is: glastnost. opening.
When I started having physical contact with men, a Christian book about dating told me that giving/having orgasms with someone before marriage would steal something from your future spouse. I didn't know or care about orgasms, so I went after the physical touch I NEEDED with a view toward healing and nourishing each other, with hilarious and sad and beautiful mixed results, since I was dealing with 17 year old boys, and I was influenced by media which shows you how to create a lot of heat. But I had some really beautiful experiences, mind-blowing cosmic experiences even.
With marriage / sex / orgasms, it was really hard to adjust to the lower plane. I could feel the separation virus fallout, and that's what motivated me to eventually find Marnia's book. Before that, I read a lot of D.H. Lawrence, and I'm so grateful to the character Oliver Mellors for telling Lady Chatterley, "We have t' take the thick wi' the thin, lass," meaning sometimes sex is great and sometimes it's not, and we have to take it all in good fun and come back with a fresh, open attitude next time.
It was kind of a cruel joke to find out that "orgasms" aren't that amazing; they're actually orders of magnitude less cool than other experiences I'd had when I was involved in physical touch with a view to giving and healing.
So, recently, I was getting really frustrated with our situation, as I could see that my man's anxiety and depression are at least aggravated by the passion cycle, if not caused by it, and I was out of ideas for how to invite him to the long-lost higher planes that I had known. On top of the psychic problems, I was having physical problems with sex, pain during and pain problems afterward that would often cause me to need a few days off. I was complaining on here, and CuriousFellow said, basically, "Why not offer more sex?" and I thought, why not? I haven't tried that yet.
So at that that point, I'd already had 2 days in a row of sex with a lot of pain afterward each time. I told him "I think you need sex every day," and I sort of decided not to worry about the pain. I sort of thought, "let it take care of itself; I'm not going to host it anymore." But I also started speaking up more when it was too rough or I needed a change of position or etc., since the 'every day' commitment meant I needed to take care of myself. And I have had almost zero problems with pain afterward.
It's been 19 days. Sometimes we've had a 36 hour interval, and this weekend he was gone for 2 nights. Yesterday when he got home, we had a really, really amazing time. :) (more about that later)
I don't know if you men realize, but taking a cock into your body is really intense. It's just a lot to assimilate. It's not one-dimensional. It's not two-dimensional. It's three-dimensional, and that's just the physical; there are a lot of other dimensions to it, too. There are so many aspects of my being that have to open to let him in. I know it's closedness that was behind the pain problems. I was welcoming him through a closed door -- naturally that hurts.
So... this seems so weird, but I find myself drawing on things I learned in childbirth classes, and applying them to opening sexually and staying open during the experience. Not silly ways of breathing, but opening. In labor they encourage you to label it not as pain but "pressure", and not that it hurts, but it's "intense," and that you "assimilate" it. Again and again, powerful contractions roll over you, for the purpose of opening the cervix. It's natural to brace against the waves, to tighten some muscles, to think "this feels like I'm getting ripped apart, and I don't want that." But those resistant thoughts and tensed muscles only amplify the pain. What you HAVE to do in labor is to surf on it, to open into the pressure; to relax and trust that you can open and not fear being obliterated by the majestic force that's taking you over.
Not totally different with taking in a cock. No one talks about that, though. Am I just loony?
These days (in sex) I find myself coming up against, 'can I assimilate this?' and a lot of times the answer is 'wow, yes. I'm assimilating this.' If not, I ask for some stillness.
The Dana Richardson interview that came up on here about women opening through the breasts is so true. I'm working in that direction, to 'be with' my breasts more, even if I'm not sure I can set aside 30 min. a day for breast meditation. My man isn't apt to make a good connection with my breasts, at this time. So, possibly that makes sexual opening more challenging for me. I feel it's a worthwhile effort, though. My spiritual practices have a lot to do with opening to God, so I feel like the work I'm doing with learning to open sexually may also have spiritual benefits.
All in all, the daily sex has been an incredible 'marriage breakthrough.' It puts me back into the giving mentality that led me to great experiences previously.
I'm REALLY enjoying sex every day. I look forward to it all through the day. It takes a lot of resentment and guesswork out of things for both of us to know what to expect. (I've read that karezza works well in the context of scheduled sex, and I'm sure any schedule has benefits.) He admitted that before this experiment he would MO every day; now, he comes in me maybe every other day. He thinks sex instead of masturbation is helping his general anxiety/depression situation, though sometimes he still looks to orgasm as the only solution for momentary relief from the anxiety.
In the non-sexual aspects of our relationship, we're much more tender toward each other. I'm viewing our marriage and union as incredibly precious and unique. For years, I've hated romantic comedies and seeing other couples on dates together and etc., because seeing others pointed out the bitter lack in my own relationship. Now, when I see couples and families, divorced dads, bossed-around husbands, and crabby ladies, I feel a little bit of compassion for them and I feel unbelievably blessed.
I've gotten out my beautiful antique engagement ring (which had been in its box for the last 9 months or something), and I'm enjoying wearing it as a symbol to myself of what we have together, our private life. I saw an e-harmony commercial with a couple who can't keep their hands off each other; they're amorously embracing while all their friends and family are waiting to come in for a party, which you assume is an engagement party or wedding reception, but turns out to be a 10th anniversary party. And I identified with that - I thought, "That's us!" I just wish they were selling karezza instead of e-harmony.
In our culture, if you're having marriage problems, you're supposed to do a lot of talking and go to counseling (more talking). Talking is the feminine language. It's been such an interesting experiment to see what has happened by talking in HIS language - sex. I've seen huge, huge changes in both of our attitudes, while "talking" never got us very far at all.
I feel funny posting this, since a lot of you are men with opposite struggles. I'm sharing this hoping there's something valuable and worthwhile here, and I hope my account won't stumble anyone.
Here's one particular incident that I'll share, since there's been some threads lately about what is an orgasm... Yesterday, as I was breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth, my being started to hum and vibrate with the cosmic ether of my sexual homeland. I surely could be wrong, but I would not call this an orgasm, because it lasted a really long time and because it wasn't genital. It felt like our connected genitals were the power source, but the sensation and energy didn't have to do with my genitals; it was my being as a whole that seemed like a plucked vibrating string, making a note for 20 minutes or more. Who knew? - breathing. It's so obvious, but no one (today, outside the karezza community) ever talks about breathing when they give sex advice, do they?
This type of experience has happened to me, rarely, all along. This time I resisted the urge to follow it with a regular orgasm; I used to not know better about that, and the highly energetic state would make me want to come. I feel like I've been washed in a healing geothermal pool, and I feel so much in love.
Keep journeying, everyone.