So I just PMO relapsed and I have been relapsing a lot lately, which is not good. I have felt myself sliding further and further down the rope of success back into the black hole each time I relapse. I notice the familiar dull, foggy, numb feelings that I lived in for so long, and know all too well after I have a relapse. I am becoming more and more familiar with the term "edging," which is what I have been doing and which ultimately leads to my relapse.
Here is my pattern:
I will e mail girls on dating sites and start talking to them about sex to get my fantasy going, then my dopamine gets too high, then I start getting lonely and depressed when I come down, and then I relapse. I will then go throughout my days feeling anxious and socially awkward which ultimately makes me want to just seclude, then when I do that, I start to believe that this hangover feeling is real and it will last forever.
It is such a sad and vicious cycle for me and every time after I relapse, it is like a black cloud has been lifted from my eyes and I see what I have actually done, and how I was never in control of myself at all, and what a rude awakening it is each time.
PMO will destroy my life if I do not actively move further away from each day, I have no doubt in my mind that this is true. The sad thing is that I know I have a chance to get away from this, and still I relapse. I know all of the damage this can cause, and still I relapse. I know that this will pull me further and further away from who I want to be and who I want to be with, and still I relapse. I don't want to lose my chance at a life of happiness and success because of this, I want to beat this and I don't want to listen to my brain anymore when it tells me why I should masturbate to porn, like there is any significant benefit to it. I don't trust myself when I am in PMO mode, and I don't believe a thing I say when I am in PMO energy, it is all just a bunch of lies and sabotage.
The good news it that I am now able to differentiate between my rational brain (my true self) and my primitive brain (my PMO addiction), which is something I was never able to do before and I was always confused. That is of course until I am in full on PMO mode and my rational brain has been knocked out and the primitive brain has taken the wheel. The crazy thing is that I can feel when my rational brain get's knocked out and PMO takes over, so at least I am more aware of the differences between my two brains, which I ave to count as an accomplishment!
Thank you for being here everyone!