56 days- First blog entry- Long flatline

Submitted by Ziggy on
Printer-friendly version

So I’ve been reading YBOP and this website for a while now and decided it would be nice to have some feedback from other people. In June I discovered YBOP during a Google search and realized how detrimental porn really is to my sexual health. I am 23 years old and had been using porn since I was probably 16 or 17. I used to masturbate using fantasy prior to porn use, but once we got high-speed internet, I stopped using fantasy and started a daily masturbation routine to porn. I had a girlfriend for two and a half years in high school and college and never realized that porn was part of what ruined my relationship with her. There were many factors that led to us breaking up, but porn really did make me perpetually unsatisfied and skewed my sexual interests. I never worried about ED because I never had a serious issue with that with my girlfriend, although there were times when I had some minor troubles. After this relationship I masturbated quite a lot and found myself increasingly awkward around women in general. I think I came across as creepy and insecure. Once I discovered YBOP in June and started my initial reboot, I felt like superman and my self-confidence soared and my social anxiety dissipated greatly. I started talking to women and challenging myself to be more outgoing. I didn’t care as much what people thought of me and even told many of my friends about my issues with porn and what its’ negative effects were on me. I feel like I’ve helped some of them because porn really is a problem for my generation. Almost all of my male friends regularly watch porn and have for years.

Anyways, I made it 32 days without any MO, and 41 days no PMO. During this initial streak I felt great and had no issues with getting an erection or anything. I saw girls differently, like I really appreciated them. Their hair, eyes, legs, …. Everything about them drove me crazy. I could tell when girls liked me with eye contact and subtle gestures. It was awesome. Then in August one night I PMO’d because I was watching some late night television and happened upon a porno on HBO… I couldn’t resist. I ended up bingeing for 9 days and felt terrible the whole time. But, I started over. Now I am 56 days of no PMO. I haven’t even had fantasies. These whole 56 days since my relapse have been a complete flatline. I don’t have sexual thoughts or feelings. I didn’t really realize the extent of this flatline until I met a girl 11 days into this reboot. I started dating her and eventually it got to the point where I should make a move… well I had absolutely no sexual desire and couldn’t even get an erection from cuddling and making out. It was absolutely terrifying to me. It took me a while to work up the courage to tell her about my issue and what I’m doing to fix it. She understood which was a great relief to me, and I am still seeing her. For a long while though after revealing this I struggled with insecurity and depression. I had serious bouts of depression that would last up to a couple days. I felt like there was a wall between myself and her because I couldn’t be physical with her. I explained that she was beautiful and I would love to do more with her but I just couldn’t until my body recovered. And, she is still with me :)

To help myself get through this I have been reading a lot of these blogs and different websites. I have looked up authors that people mentioned and really love Eckhart Tolle’s works. A New Earth and The Power of Now have really helped me cope with life. “Accept what is” has become my new motto for life. I have become much more spiritual throughout this process and feel like the truest sense of myself that I have probably ever felt before. I can accept life as it happens, good or bad, and am ok with that. I work out a few times a week, started eating healthier, have much more open and honest relationships with my friends and family, and feel much better as a person than I did prior to starting this journey. I feel like there is no longer a cloud over my head and I can see things very clearly. The one thing that still gets to me sometimes is the length of my flatline…. I am going on 56 days now and, while I can accept that my body needs this to recover, I really, really want to be normal again. I want to experience my fullest potential with my girlfriend and feel completely comfortable. While it’s nice to not rush into sex, it would be nice to have sex when you were ready to. All I can do is keep going one day at a time and accept life as it is. I will not watch porn again, it is simply too destructive and I never want to go through this again. What I found really helped me this second reboot (56 days) was starting a journal. My initial 41 day reboot I didn’t keep a journal and lost track of my priorities. I also told my dad about my problem with ED and porn to help hold me accountable. It was really awkward at first but I’m finding that I really don’t care if people know my deepest and darkest secrets… Everyone has been in this place at one point or another with something in their lives, and I feel like being real with people about that has helped me have more honest and open relationships in general. I bare myself to the world, and so far I have found that people appreciate that. They don’t have to wonder what I’m hiding because I don’t have to hide anything. I am just me, that’s it. I will try to post here periodically with my progress as well as some of the insights I have found in my readings. I have been reading a lot of Eastern texts such as the Tao Te Jing and have some books by Mantak Chia and Thich Nhat Hanh. Feel free to ask me anything.

Comments

Great post

Those long flatlines can be really scary. You might want to try some of the techniques guys have used here: RebootTaking TOO.LONG

However, I'm confident you'll perk up shortly. You have all the right pieces: good attitude, good support, inspiring sweetheart, solid information, etc.

I guess the relapse just confused your brain about what the target is, and it's taking its time.

Do you do any skin-to-skin snuggling with your sweetie? That can be good for you both.

I did read an article on one

I did read an article on one of these sites about bonding behaviors so I have been doing that a lot with her. I gently caress her and have been focusing all my energy toward her when I am with her. I feel like it has made her closer to me. We haven't done anything naked together though... all of my caressing is usually through the clothes or rubbing her head or something. Does the clothes barrier make a difference? I have absolutely no libido so I haven't tried anything with her and don't know if I should until I feel sexual again. I'm kind of in an asexual funk right now where nothing is arousing to me. I have been doing the genital massage in the shower for a minute every day for about two weeks now but still don't have any erections or really feel my penis. I do have morning wood sometimes and wake up in the middle of the night with solid erections, but nothing really happens to me during the day. Thank you for the link, I will try some of the energy circulation exercises and see if they help.

Enjoy it

My suggestion is that you enjoy the flat line Ziggy. As Marnia says above LOTS of cuddling is (counter intuitively) deeply satisfying. And it re programs the brain to value touch as opposed to excitement.

The other thing ill add is that guys tend to think that they should get hard all the time. There is another view that once this porn induced, compulsive masturbation hyper sexuality falls away, that the penis gets hard only when its truly needed, ie when face to face with a real vagina. Guys also think it has to be /really/ hard. This also is not true. A half soft penis is all you need to enter a women and enjoy a slower more subtle but ultimately 10 times more fulfilling kind of sex.

Its called karezza.

Thanks for the response

Thanks for the response treehouse. I wonder though if I should wait for my libido to return before I try something like karezza? Right now I don't really feel anything sexual toward her even though she is beautiful and I don't want to put myself in a situation where our levels of arousal are completely different from one another. I feel like that would be kind of awkward if I don't really FEEL it, you know? Is it a good idea for me to try karezza with her while I'm in my flatline or should I wait for my libido to return?

Wow, TH

That blew my mind, about the penis not having to be rock hard. I've had days where it's like a log, but lately, since crossing the edge a little with my girlfriend, my entire body feels deflated, along with my general. Truthfully, that thought hasn't crossed my mind. Though I get nice semis to hot girls in the streets on good days, it doesn't really serve me to fantasize, especially being in a relationship and working to begin building it for real.

Choose your pill

Ziggy this is red pill, blue pill situation. You can take the blue pill and get yourself all worked up, proudly rock hard, then enter your girl, pump like mad to make the tension go away as quick as you can, then fall back into a slumber. Rinse and repeat.

Or.. you can take the red pill, karezza. You do this not because your aroused, but because its a way to nurture your relationship. Here you gaze into her eyes, you holding her breast, she the base of your penis, get comfortable and relax like this for maybe 20 minutes. Scissors position is best. When she is ready, get her to gently rub some almond oil into her pubic area, and some on your penis. At this point, see if im wrong, some blood will start to flow into your penis. When its about 40-60% insert just the head, and take about 15 minutes to just slowly enter her, all the way, still keeping the eyes connected. Breath and relax without clutching your pelvic floor.

Allow both of your arousals to grow naturally. If you are too hard this will hurt her, she much prefers a 'snakey' penis. You want the tip of your penis to connect with her cervix, and your pubic bones to 'talk'. Move the bodies from time to time but not the penis or vagina, they stay pretty much glued. If one of you starts to wander off, a few little wriggles is enough to bring you back to focus.

As this is a different way to make love, just be aware that your combined self consciousness and past war wounds may make the first couple of times, lets say interesting. You may get all shy. You might actually fall asleep inside her. Believe me this happens and is all part of a healing process.

Try it and see how nice this is.

Kegels

Hey Buddy,

I seriously had a massive issue with getting erections around women or in general for a long time i couldnt even remember when it started it was so normal not to ever get hard. After a 100+ day reboot, when i got into 4 months, i just new i was mentally rebooted, and i was starting to feel mentally aroused by things, it was different from before when i saw an amazing bum in tight trousers and you tell yourself your hot for it, only because you think you should be, but not cause you actually are. When i got to this rebooted, back to mentally aroused stage my penis still had no life to it ever, only a couple of moments where i thought i could see improvements, but it was the same as watching a man in a coma and seeing a finger twitch or an eyelid flicker and asking your self 'did he do that before or is that new??'. So i started Kegels. Physically speaking it helps get better harder erections and has been heard to regain erections after ed. well it worked a treat, within two weeks i was waking up with full morning glory, very gd semi's through out the day, and for the first time in however long i could remember i test masturbated and was 100% with so many other things regained. It was the re-wiring aspect of the exercise that brought this back, closing your eyes and trying to contract the right muscles, but having to think and feel your penis again, not just having it there as a dead extremity. Kegels - re-wiring brain to penis and physically improving your penis through muscular exercise. - i could hang a towel off it after not seeing it move in monthssssss!!

Try it out, along with the previously mentioned kerezza, im still doing them, why not?

Take care

64 Days No PMO

So today is 64 days of no PMO (over 100 days if I include my week long binge between reboots). I tested yesterday morning with my morning wood just to see where I was at. I had an orgasm in like a minute with minimal stroking. It felt pretty good but wasn't mind numbing like some of the porn ones were. I didn't have any chaser whatsoever and felt fine afterwards. My mood and everything seemed completely unaffected by the orgasm. My libido is still pretty dead but I'm going to start doing kegels and focus on the feeling so hopefully that will help. Mentally I feel like I am healed. I haven't seen any porn and won't let my guard down though. It was good to experience an orgasm again without having a chaser afterwards.