zybex's blog

Square one.

Submitted by zybex on

Hello. I haven't posted in some time because I have been busy failing harder than Michael J Fox playing Operation (sorry!) and I was too embarrassed to admit it.
My downfall was the 'porn bomb' as I wrote about in a previous post. I was doing so well - there were bad days to be sure and the initial benefits had receded, but I was holding on. One filth mine later though and I went down faster than one of the girls in my favourite videos, and continued in that vein for a couple of weeks and I hate myself for it.
Now I am ready to begin again but with a couple of changes.

Day 51 no PMO - Porn bomb

Submitted by zybex on

Aargh! I was doing so well, but I have just found a 'porn bomb' in the form of a folder I was using to put videos that I have converted to a format the TV can read. This folder contains all my absolute favourites and I had forgot entirely it was there.
When I found it I honestly felt faint and my heart started pounding like a jackhammer. Instant erection and I am now shaking like a leaf.

Day 45 no PMO - Halfway point

Submitted by zybex on

So here I am at the theoretical halfway point to recovery and it seems at once both a long time and a short time. Short enough looking back to the beginning, but long enough to be daunting going forwards. So far there have been dizzying highs and quite frankly disturbing lows, but I feel OK at the moment. The first couple of weeks were comparatively easy, but recently I have found myself missing porn more as I get some semblance of libido returning.

Day 39 - Does that early confidence return?

Submitted by zybex on

Despite sticking stringenly to the no PMO and no fantasy, for the past week or so I have been more like my old self in terms of confidence and drive (or the lack of) whereas earlier in my reboot I was a different person. A confident, talkative, alpha male go-getter (comparatively speaking). I know that recovery is not a linear process, but I expected the jags to be a bit finer - Day to day rather than full weeks of no obvious progress. I really hope that it wasn't just due to the initial surge of testosterone.

Day 28 - ...and down again.

Submitted by zybex on

Feel really down again today. I am growing to dislike weekends because i'm here all by myself, and I need human interaction now more than ever. Instead today I have pointlessly surfed the internet, watched crap on TV and and put myself around an appreciable quantity of single malt. Who was I kidding? The girl of my dreams I gave my number to yesterday will never contact me, even though we have been getting on well for the past few weeks before I asked her out.

Day 27 - Who am I?

Submitted by zybex on

Who is the real me? If personality can be dictated by such simple things as neurochemical imbalances then how can anyone ever say "This is me." I never thought when I started abstaining from PMO that doing so would raise such philosophical questions as what my true identity actually is, but I am genuinely not the same man as I have been for the past 15 years or so. The new me thinks of something funny to say and he isn't shy about saying it. If he has an opinion, he states it and people listen.

Day 24 - Tipping point

Submitted by zybex on

I feel today is something of a minor crossroads. The point in time when I feel the switch of attitude from "To fail now in so short a time would be pathetic" to "I have come too far to give up now." Incidentally, today is the first day Mr. Happy has shown signs of awakening from his naptime. Also it seems bigger, which is nice. That said, I have observed that for the past couple of days shower time has been danger time for me. Usually I would barely feel anything soaping my penis, but recently it has been feeling good. Real good. Dangerously so.

Day 21 - Doing quite well.

Submitted by zybex on

Three weeks in and I am actually beginning to feel things again. I don't rememeber the last time I actually felt horny, I suppose I was a teenager at the time. For a long time PMO has always been a matter of routine rather than release, relief from boredom and loneliness rather than passion and so I never really had the pressure build up in the old engine cylinders. I never really had fantasies - who would need them when I have access to all the scenarios the internet has to offer? Now those things are slowly returning.

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