I have decided to keep a log of my daily journey towards going a week without p/m/o. I will only do this to help me through the first week, and then I will attempt to go another two weeks without p/m/o.
I was a bit above a week without p/m/o when on the night of May 9th I had a wet dream. I then woke up, fought off the urges to have a conscious orgasm until about 12: 30, and then I gave in and masturbated to porn.
I felt awful and guilty about it. It affected my mood to the point where I started being a bit rude to the people around me. I decided that wasn’t fair, so I meditated for a while, in an attempt to get my mood back to a point where I wasn’t being bratty to those around me.
The meditating helped a lot, and then I felt like I was ready to bounce back from my relapse. I made it through the rest of the day, then went to bed early because I had to get up early today to start my work week.
I woke up in the middle of the night after having a nightmare about my ex-girlfriend. I felt nauseous and depressed like I haven’t felt for a long time, and I started ruminating on stuff and it made it difficult for me to get back to sleep. But then I decided to meditate intensely and I somehow managed to get back to sleep. Then literally one minute before the time I was supposed to wake up, I had another wet dream.
I woke up frustrated, thinking, “Not another orgasm! What did I do to deserve this? Is the universe punishing me for my relapse?” And now I have to go into work and face work with people who I don’t really care about or feel any attachment to. (I think this is the hangover talking).
Also, later tonight my friend girl who is a big touchy-feely flirt is coming over. She’s also coming over on Wednesday. Apparently she and her boyfriend are going through a rough time, and I’m afraid she’s going to be more flirty because of it.
In the past, her touchy-feelyness has caused me to have premature ejaculations or has led to porn-viewing relapses or wet dreams. So I’m going to try to keep my distance from her tonight. Like, if she wants to rest her head on my shoulder, that’s fine, but if she wants to rest her head in my lap, no sir. I’ve had three orgasms in about the past 24 hours, which is one of the worst I’ve done since September, so I can’t let her make me have more.
Wish me luck.
(Sorry if the tone of this log is super cynical. I’m hoping that the tone will become more cheery as I get some respectable time under my belt without p/m/o).