Dual addictions...

Submitted by jman1601 on
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After fasting from PMO for 15 days, emotions have come up, and I'm realizing I have 2 addictions going on...

(1) Porn and masturbation. 15 days free of PMO so far! Awesome.
(2) But now I'm also noticing that my mind is obsessing over affection/abandonment. There are two women sexually and romantically interested in me in various degrees, and if I text one of them and they don't text back right away...I find my mind obsessing over:

- why hasn't she gotten back to me?
- did I make her upset?
- was I too overtly sexual?
- was I not sexual enough?
- did she find someone else?
- are other people they're seeing better than me?
- am I inadequate?


Now at some level, I'm aware that this is my brain being really, really stupid. But now I realize I've been spending my life obsessing about potential abandonment, and then using masturbation and orgasm as a release from that stress. Whoa.

I'm motivated. This is really stopping me from focusing on work, other hobbies, staying in shape, etc. Not to mention that it puts me in an unhealthy dynamic of suffering with women who are legitimately into me. Honestly, willpower is not an issue, as the 16 days went by without a hitch. I just need some guidance on what's going and what new insights and understanding can help me.

I've been thinking about

I've been thinking about this too. I think the brain gets excited by the possibility of a new mate. Then when doubts appears, the brain goes into warp drive. Try to think of it as a ratcheting mechanism. You can't lose what you have experienced. If this girls bails, your in the same spot to go find another one. You keep all the knowledge gained, pleasurable experience, etc. This seems to reduce the abandonment feelings.

Also, it could be you are coming across as addictive. I've been on the receiving end of this and don't like it when obsessiveness appears. Pretend your text is a letter in 1900. She'll get it at some point and get back to you at some point. Go about your life without waiting or thinking about the text or her. If she doesn't respond in a few days you can try again and then give up.

They like you so you're already doing something right. Keep doing it...just lose the self doubt. You could also try talking to one of them about this. It might help you get over it. Maybe they are like me and can't stand text messages, but don't want to bother telling their friends.

A lot of people struggling

A lot of people struggling with overcoming porn have these problems. Its a kind of deep anxiety that all is not well with ourselves and our lives, it eats at our confidence and wrecks havoc on our lives. That obsessive tendency can be as destructive as any addiction. For a while, I was attending SLAA meetings and I met a lot of people who could not shake these types of obsessive habits. A lot of them were sex addicts too. A lot of the guys were powerless in relationships and were always seeking the validation and approval of their mate, obsessively and of course unsuccessfully. You are definitely not alone in this. There has been some good literature to come out in the last decade or so that acknowledges abandonment issues. Two that come to mind are Susan Anderson and John Bradshaw. They are worth taking a look at while you are rebooting. Ive been doing work with a site called Nomoremrniceguy.com and I have found a lot of support from men going through similar things.

As far as you feeling disturbed right now by these kinds of thoughts, remember that the 2 week cycle isnt exact, you could be at a low point. I usually hit a pretty big low around the 2-3 week mark, but its more mental and emotional. 15 days is good though, keep it up.

Courage is knowing what not to fear.

Give it at least another

Give it at least another week. It's better to be conservative. Leaving porn will leave a void in your life so some anxiety is expected. Don't sweat it and fill that void with something positive like exercise or a hobby you have or a night out with your buddies. If the obsession continues overtime then it may be an issue you need to address. Great job in making it past the two week hump!


Yes, he's scary, but he is very good at fixing most of the insecurities we as men encounter with women.

It might be difficult for a woman to understand why a guy like him can be of great value to us.

Personally I got rid of many insecurities and felt much better about myself after watching that seminar Wink

I'm glad it helped you

It's interesting that when we ask to be healed, all kinds of helpful insights flow from all over the place, helping to unravel our unique knots. I think understanding sex's effects on the brain can be a big one, but it's seldom the only insight that we need. Life on Earth can create all sorts of knots. Smile

jman1601 wrote: Not to

[quote=jman1601] Not to mention that it puts me in an unhealthy dynamic of suffering with women who are legitimately into me. [/quote]

What you said here is very important. You realize this is *your* problem, not theirs, and that is good!

I have had somewhat of an "abandonment issue" through most of my adult life and I still struggle with it (I lived with my dad when I was 13 and one day I came home to a note that said he was moving across country to California--without me, of course! Very hard on any child, but especially hard on me as a young girl who just adored her father).


The best thing I've done in my life to stop struggling with those feelings is to adopt the attitude that everything happens for a reason (good and bad) and as long as you always love to the best of your ability, you will have no regrets and if things don't work out, you will always know you tried your very best. And then something even better comes along and you suddenly realize why the hurtful thing happened!

Trying to analyze over and over does not change things and only causes undue stress. My grandmother (she is 90 and she should know!) told me that 95% of the things we worry about never happen...so I've begun to let go of a lot of the worry in my life and try (although it's hard sometimes!) to relish the here and now.

Also, I believe when you worry over things you give them too much importance and you can actually create your own self-fulfilling prophecy. So if you can keep loving, positive thoughts in your head about these women, it will give you so much more confidence.

Take care!