Keeping my momentum going

Submitted by freedom on
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I'm wondering what to introduce into my life to generate more forward momentum. There are lots of possibilities...more excercise, diet changes, meditation, more socialization...but I don't have the time, energy, and motivation to try many of them. I'm not getting enough positive inputs from my life so I'm left chasing my tail and drained. I feel like a stable mess getting tossed about in rough seas. At times it feels like porn was the least of my mess. I seem to be moving in a different direction, but it is frustratingly slow at times despite my patience. I've got plenty of goals I "should" be steering for, but not the drive to aim for them. I'm guessing the lack of drive is in part due to the wrong goals and part my current malaise. It's a bit weird to think that in the near term life would have been more stable and had better externalities if I kept porn around. But I'd have pushed this transition into the future as I had done in the past. However, for some reason, my situation is what it is now. While I'm being molded for some unknown purpose, I'd like to extract what I can from the present. I'm self distractable as usual. I've got to work with what I am for the most part. The general world and local life climate is not helping things. I have more things to do than hours in the day. Dissecting the day into minutiae and checking things off won't ever let me catch up. It seems like everything takes a superhuman effort to get done. Even simple things go wrong. Things can linger for months and years without any ending. Many things are pending others actions. Everyone seems incompetent these days making me work too much. Yet I can't do everything myself. I'm pondering how to rework my life so I need only 80% of my time do complete my agenda for a typical day. Then I can have time to be and catch up when stuff happens. To do that I pretty much have to go against the current in all aspects of life. That seems rather monumental at the moment. I had it sort of easy floating along in porn land. Perhaps I need to make some drastic leap despite my instability and the rest will shuffle into place. It's hard to know when to jump amongst the shaky rocks.

In looking up something related to this post I found a blog post that included "It is so seductive to be addicted to comfort." Let's call that the porn life. The not porn life might be depending on your antonym of choice: it is so repulsive to be passionate for agitation. Does one then steer life against discomfort and agitation? We're accustomed to positive goals, but when you invert it back to moving toward calmness, you head back toward seductive addict-land. Might humans function better by avoiding rather than seeking? What does such a world look like? A world of not sick, not poor, not hating, and not sad people seems on its face more balanced than one of healthy, wealthy, loving, and happy people. The latter is boundless and so there can be no satisfaction. The former is bounded by human limitations. But the former promotes no striving that I can think of. Without porn I have to learn to motivate differently or perhaps it isn't possible to motivate at all. I'm back at some developmental stage in my past unable to keep up with the demands of my present. It leaves me unnervingly uncontrollable.


I have a strong intuition

that this malaise would evaporate if you had a partner. Can't you quit dithering and DO something about that? We're simply not cut out for endless celibacy. Even monks find it challenging and they have everything going for them (no cues, lots of devotional feelings, hard work, brotherhood). How are you, with almost none of those things going to feel good much of the time? You're not a frigging machine.

I'm pretty sure you're not

I'm pretty sure you're not wrong, but it would take time to evaporate and heal my mess. I've been the way I am for a long time and developed lots of not so great habits along the way. Some are going faster than I would have thought. A relationship would certainly be a boost and some boost is better than none. I'm working on it. With everything else it takes time, both to find a person and develop the relationship. I'm not the sort of person that just drops into any relationship. I'm open, but I've still got high standards. I don't feel much connection with many people even when I feel they connect with me. It seems vital that I want the particular relationship, especially given the vast aspects of my life I don't want, but have for now. Lack of a relationship and celibacy are two different things. My hunch is the latter is going to be around a while. I say that because a girl I would connect with will probably have similar standards even if they are arguably a bit nuts.

I've been using my remaining alone time pretty well and coming to many realizations that I knew, but refused to own and move beyond. I'm listening to whatever the world is saying to me. If Ms. worth pursuing is in my view, I'll try. I'm persistent when I'm motivated and discipline works with my flow.

I'm not a machine. As much as it sucks and despite all my efforts here, I still value waiting for a significant level of commitment. I'm not sure about what I'd actually do next time sex becomes an viable option.

I'm on it and it is doing us

I'm on it and it is doing us good, but it is slow because we're both too busy and in our own malaise. I analogize to a very dead electronic device where the battery has to charge a bit before you can even tell it is charging. I don't want to rely on another to resolve my problems and over pressurize what seems to be going well enough.

Good analogy

But bad logic. Remember that you can charge up her battery by spending time with her, and it will come back to you. Too often we think we should be self-sufficient or we're using someone.

But what about a mutual sharing of energy gifts that benefits both and creates excess synergy (battery charging)?

Perhaps I've got to work on

Perhaps I've got to work on my communication skills. Of course charging is mutual and I'm more than willing to invest my effort. It still takes time for the very drained to recover enough to bounce back. It is rewarding for me to give. That is more or less what I have done my entire life. It's great to help another blossom. I didn't mean to say I am or can be self-sufficient as much as to to say that I don't want to hook my growth to another prematurely so that if that relationship evaporates I'm left rebuilding myself. It is a bit of balancing act that I think I can do by staying present. The future will come and bring what it may. With this particular girl, we've both been unable to be ourselves for a long time. Our growth is partially about enabling ourselves to be valued for a self that wasn't as visible or valued before. I'm happy to spend as much time with her as she can to make it as synergistic as possible. It's not always possible with competing schedules, distance, etc.

Good for you

in trying. Just don't undervalue your powerful, delicious, much needed maleness. To us, it's like sunshine. Smile Ever read about that study in which male armpit pheromones were put in alcohol and then Q-tipped onto women's upper lips? The women's periods became more regular...even the lesbians' in the group.

Moral of story: At least share your armpits with her. Wink

I like when it is like

I like when it is like sunshine and females momentarily melt into themselves. Us guys can have the same reaction too. And sometimes it happens simultaneously.

I don't like to use deodorant because I think there is value in the pheromones we naturally produce. I'd smell like some random fragrance if I was meant to. I've been using a salt stick as an antiperspirant. It doesn't work 100% so I'm sure I'm still wafting. She's good at detecting people's smell so maybe that's the magic glue or at least I've passed the sniffer so far.

It seems like there are

It seems like there are different motivations for giving- selfish and non-selfish. The selfish giving reeks of neediness and is not nourishing, its like attaching a covert contract to it. The selfless giving comes from a place of stability and does so because it wants to give. Its hard for us to see the difference while being motivated by our addict because our addict is so needy and selfish, but if we can come from a genuine space, it is a nourishing experience. It is difficult to do this as an addict, thats why it can seem like we seem to struggle so much with relationships.

If one way be better than another, that you may be sure is nature's way.

Hmm, I think this is person

Hmm, I think this is person specific. A lot of the reason I've struggled is that I'm too selfless to do what I should and need to do for myself. My wanting to give has gotten over-tasked as I've prioritized others in my life. In building relationships, some of that comes through in the boundaries I establish and the things I'm willing to overlook without even trying to address them. I'm avoiding being needy to extremes. I'm left with plenty reasonable, unfulfilled needs which Marnia was alluding too. Some of this is taking a twist as I'm well aware of what I need, but also being consciously patient so as not to sink ships in the harbor. I've done that a few times. While it is better to send the wrong fit on her way, I lose the chance to grow from whatever was wrong between us. I might be an addict with myself, but not with others. It's been tough to set that addict aside and allow greater cognizance of my overall situation. It's a lot to handle and in some ways more stimulating than porn could ever be.

Thats exactly what I mean.

Thats exactly what I mean. What we consider selfless is actually selfish. Love addicts are expert at putting other's needs before theirs, not because they are great selfless people, but because they are trying to get their legitimate needs met. The excruciating part is that we think we are doing the right thing to get our needs met, but we are doing the very thing to push people away. Its a subtle point, but its better to give nothing than it is to give something with strings and expectations attached. A sure recipe for not getting our needs met. Its tricky for us addicts to balance our needs with meeting the needs of others.

Think of the Andy Bernard character from "The Office". Thats extreme, but an example of someone trying to get their needs met in this way.

If one way be better than another, that you may be sure is nature's way.

I'm still not sure we're not

I'm still not sure we're not talking about different things. I hear you say love addicts are misguided in putting others needs first. But what about when that process has less to do with love addiction? We're all seeking love at some level and so that might not ever be the case. I guess I can see how what I'm saying applies to me could be a cycle of do for others, not get my needs met on some level of love or otherwise, medicate, and repeat thinking it might eventually work. I don't consciously maintain any strings. It irks me when I find out later there were strings so I try not to do that. My cycle doesn't push away people directly, but it might help explain my rejecting of things if I'm accustomed to most efforts not leading in a fundamentally positive direction. If that is the case, I'm puzzled as to why I'm not always that way and now and then jump on board even when things require superhuman effort. Do we know something is wrong somehow and occasionally just do something different? Perhaps I pick the projects that will ultimately fail in a self reinforcing game.

I see you morphed your user name. While I can really become as suggested The Inquisitor, I'll stick with freedom for now.