I'm wondering what to introduce into my life to generate more forward momentum. There are lots of possibilities...more excercise, diet changes, meditation, more socialization...but I don't have the time, energy, and motivation to try many of them. I'm not getting enough positive inputs from my life so I'm left chasing my tail and drained. I feel like a stable mess getting tossed about in rough seas. At times it feels like porn was the least of my mess. I seem to be moving in a different direction, but it is frustratingly slow at times despite my patience. I've got plenty of goals I "should" be steering for, but not the drive to aim for them. I'm guessing the lack of drive is in part due to the wrong goals and part my current malaise. It's a bit weird to think that in the near term life would have been more stable and had better externalities if I kept porn around. But I'd have pushed this transition into the future as I had done in the past. However, for some reason, my situation is what it is now. While I'm being molded for some unknown purpose, I'd like to extract what I can from the present. I'm self distractable as usual. I've got to work with what I am for the most part. The general world and local life climate is not helping things. I have more things to do than hours in the day. Dissecting the day into minutiae and checking things off won't ever let me catch up. It seems like everything takes a superhuman effort to get done. Even simple things go wrong. Things can linger for months and years without any ending. Many things are pending others actions. Everyone seems incompetent these days making me work too much. Yet I can't do everything myself. I'm pondering how to rework my life so I need only 80% of my time do complete my agenda for a typical day. Then I can have time to be and catch up when stuff happens. To do that I pretty much have to go against the current in all aspects of life. That seems rather monumental at the moment. I had it sort of easy floating along in porn land. Perhaps I need to make some drastic leap despite my instability and the rest will shuffle into place. It's hard to know when to jump amongst the shaky rocks.
In looking up something related to this post I found a blog post that included "It is so seductive to be addicted to comfort." Let's call that the porn life. The not porn life might be depending on your antonym of choice: it is so repulsive to be passionate for agitation. Does one then steer life against discomfort and agitation? We're accustomed to positive goals, but when you invert it back to moving toward calmness, you head back toward seductive addict-land. Might humans function better by avoiding rather than seeking? What does such a world look like? A world of not sick, not poor, not hating, and not sad people seems on its face more balanced than one of healthy, wealthy, loving, and happy people. The latter is boundless and so there can be no satisfaction. The former is bounded by human limitations. But the former promotes no striving that I can think of. Without porn I have to learn to motivate differently or perhaps it isn't possible to motivate at all. I'm back at some developmental stage in my past unable to keep up with the demands of my present. It leaves me unnervingly uncontrollable.