OK, my wife and I finished the book quite a while ago, but we are having...technical difficulties. As of tomorrow we will be starting the Exchanges for like the 3rd or 4th time. I can't even keep count any more.
Please note, that I am a self proclaimed porn/masturbation addict and have been battling this addiction for many years.
When my wife and I decided to try the exchnages we both abstained from orgasm for 2 weeks before starting the exchanges. But, for whatever reason, on day 14 I looked at porn and masturbated.
I was honest and told my wife. She held my heart with compassion, bless her soul...
So we started the 2 week period again. Then we went through to Exchange 13, but then I masturbated (but did not ejaculate) when I was out of town. I must note that as we went through those Exchanges that first time, we were very close, very trusting, and really connecting through our hearts. We were still feeling ourselves out with the healing phase, but the nurturing phase was just great for us. So it was a big blow to lose ground since we had made it all the way to exchange 13.
But I was honest and we started again.
This time we started on Exchange 1 again but were not as committed to doing them by the book every night and within 10 days I had masturbated with an orgasm.
Honesty again but starting to wear thin. Basically at this point my wife and I both know that with this new system I'm still an addict but now we don't have ANY sex and she never gets an orgasm. Hmmm....not ideal.
But we trust and we try again.
This time we make it to Exchange 8, but this time I masturbate and have 3 orgasms on 3 different ocassions. Now we have a big problem. Honesty and trust is starting to lose the battle to guilt and fear. However, I have been so miserable at work, and so low...that I cry and confess to my wife what was going on. In her invinite compassion she forgives me and opens her heart. But we both know that we have taken a blow in trust.
So hear we are again. We are running on steam here. We are both very committed loving people, but I can not seem to get past that 2 week mark. Porn has always been my escape from reality when things have been to much for me to handle in real life. Well real life is still hard for me, but now that I don't have my escape, I have been finding that I run out of "will" after 14 weeks. I want this cycle to end so badly.
If anyone has any advice or can even offer up some hope it would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks for listening.
Marnia --- is there something we are missing here? Or is there any specific advice you can offer?
And oh yeah --- my wife is 6 months pregnant. Questions that arise from this?
1. Do her pregnancy hormones through this process off?
2. Does her inability to lay on her back (which many exchanges call for) affect our ability to channel energy between each other?
3. Our first baby is arriving on this Earth - so you can understand our sense of urgency to find peace in ourselves and in our relationship.