Just when I thought things were really turning around I've hit another major brick wall. I completely humiliated myself when being called out on whether or not I was homosexual, I was unable to confidently say that I am not. I am losing my mind. I was not born this way at all.
I have suppressed my sexual energy with women to the point where my mind seeks other ways to release that energy. The quickest way possible. This has led to me seeking release from the most readily available source which has been anonymous encounters with other men online. I get to the point where we arrange the meeting and that's as far as it goes. From there, I feel repulsed and guilty for giving into this pleasure out of pure selfishness. I've always seen myself with a women but because of these impulse actions in the last year it has allowed my mind to drift. Though, I know deep down this is not what I want or what I am genuinely attracted to. It is now the fear of turning homosexual that has me completely lost in my mind.
This experience of being humiliated in front of several people has now put a seemingly permanent fear into my brain every time I look at another male or female. My best friend of 5 years left that night saying he can't sleep over my house because he thought I had sexual feelings for him. When really it was just the fear in me that was allowing him to think that way. The sad part is, a couple hours earlier to this point we were discussing how we were going to be life long business partners. Now it's making me doubt myself and the mind wanders to dark places I want nothing to do with. Pornography has killed my mind. I've really gone off the deep end and I need some major help.
It is worthy to note I was under the influence of psychedelic drugs during this humiliating experience and so was my friend. This drug makes you experience emotions so intensely, so you can imagine what self-destruction this has caused. Now that I think about it, these thoughts first came while I was under the influence of some sort of drug. Marijuana and porn especially has caused these unwanted thoughts.
My lack of success with women due to suppression of sexual energy has also led me to have thoughts about literally anything that walks. Anything that can bring me pleasure has no boundaries at this point, not even family. Looking back, the thoughts never went very deep but just the brief moment of questioning that I thought was all harmless and innocent since I never act on the impulses and I never really consciously looked back to these moments of thoughts until now. My mind is very confused and I think this comes down to sexual addiction.
Please, someone guide me down the right path.