Thank goodness I found this site

Submitted by the_hat on
Printer-friendly version

Since finding this site on Sunday evening I've been reading with wonder at the helpful, supportive, informative articles and posts - it's brilliant. I'd begun to despair at the lack of information about my situation, even so called experts just not really getting it, and the often-heard refrain that you can't really harm yourself, even with quite excessive masturbation. I saw a therapist a couple of years ago and he told me that I was just experiencing 'judeo-christian' guilt and shame, don't worry. Whilst I actually felt in the grip of an addiction I couldn't escape, despite having quite strong will-power in most respects.

I'm 45-years old, and while mbtn was a thrilling and exciting part of my development from about age 10 or 11, I'm old enough to remember a time without computers and when society wasn't so overtly sexualised - so I never got hooked in to excessive masturbation and never felt out of control until about 8-10 years ago. The cue for me was a couple of relationships that I experienced as really stressful, and I found that masturbation eased the pain substantially. I'm actually not that into porn, but do have a vivid imagination, and have fantasised many more times than I can remember about ex-girlfriends, one or two in particular.

Basically I feel I've just worn myself out over the past 10 years, when getting high from tossing off / coming has been the only thing that has really satisfied me... when I do it, which has been a lot. However, in the other 20 + hours of the day I've just felt increasingly flat. I've lost my interest in music, performing, creativity, although, and lost my way in my career quite a bit. Friendships have suffered. My football team is about the only other thing that has really got me going.

Anyway, it's now my 11th day of abstinence, and the reason I'm feeling blessed at the moment is really to have found this website, with its caring and senstive moderation, and ... well, people in my situation helping and supporting eachother. Thank goodness! I feel like I've learnt so much already, mainly the need to re-education my systems that other activities can be as / more rewarding than (ahem) 'solitary' pursuits. They always were before, and I feel I just want to get back to the whole, interested, vibrant person that I was.

Well it's early days. I'm worried by persistent lower-back pain and fear I've done some permanent damage to whatever organs and hormones have been working over-drive down there. Although I've already discovered that with a weak system, coffee and alcohol were making the situation much worse, so I've also stopped the first and cut right down on the latter. So far so good, and little-by-little I notice changes. I certainly feel more relaxed.

Thank you Marnia and Reuniting info..

To rejuvenate your kidneys:

To rejuvenate your kidneys: nettle seeds, preferably fresh.

Re: flatness in all other areas previously creative in your life. It does make sense. Procreative power is exactly that - creative. That's why we need to channel that source into things, rather than out the genitals so much.

Glad you found this site. It's a goldmine, tho a bit short on info coming from actual couples trying these ideas. The good thing is, everyone seems to benefit from this information, no matter what situation they're in.

We're glad you found us, too

Be optimistic about healing. It's great to hear that you're already feeling better. You'll probably notice improvements for a long time.

I'm sorry for the pain of your past relationships. Believe me...everyone has good reasons for the choices they've made. That said, hurting ourselves only makes things worse. Besides, the world needs your creativity.

I've enabled you to start a blog, in case you want to.


Thanks for your messages hotspring and Marnia. Great tip about nettle seeds, which I'll certainly try. I'm optimistic about healing in the long run, just concerned that I've done permanent damage - I'm not as young as a lot of your correspondents! I guess there'll be lots of ups and downs along the way. Like most, though, I just want to get back to my real self. I played my piano after writing last night, the first time for absolutely ages. From small seeds etc... On the other hand, I experienced the feeling of insects crawling all over me last night, which some have commented on, and I just can't imagine what that's all about. May start a blog, thanks for that.

Withdrawal starts in the brain

and if you've been reading here, then you know that all addictive activities and substances have more in common than they appear a brain chemical level: dysregulated dopamine. It's amazing what "low" dopamine can do to you...and your outlook. But it's temporary, assuming you let your brain come back to balance. You almost have to pretend you're a superhero in a scifi story to get through it. Wink

So glad to hear you're playing the piano again. Expect highs and lows...but understand that the lows are illusion...even though they feel like the reality when they hit.

Dear the-hat

Welcome to the community, healing is on its way. Wonderful that you have decided to change your addictive ways, half the battle is won.
and hugs

Welcome the-hat

I am a couple of years older than you. I had aches and pains as well and was very adversely affected by caffeine and such. Since ceasing masturbation, I feel much more balanced, happy, and can drink coffee again! I am much more productive. You are on the right path! Keep going!


A few days

since I first posted on this website, and the first thing to say is that I really appreciate the messages from others, thank you. The reassurance that I'm on the right path and that healing is on its way helps a lot. I'm doing well, as I hope you all are, now two weeks after quitting. My body feels very weak and low in energy, however, which I'm kind of hoping is a natural part of the process i.e. coming off some strong chemicals and re-balancing, but I hope it won't be long til my strength starts coming back. Will let you know. Meanwhile your courage and care is inspirational, I must say - thank you.

One of the men

on the forum, who has written me privately too, had a similar effect when he quit. Just felt *flat* for a bit. Now he has the opposite situation: brimming with too much energy, and wondering how he can put the brakes on a bit because his days are so full of activity. I think he'll settle into a comfortable middle ground with time.

The return to balance just seems to be that way for most people, i.e., the pendulum swings one way, then the other, before the brain restores itself to balance. Remember, your brain had adapted to regular neurochemical blasts, which probably threw a lot of subtle neurochemical/receptor mechanisms slightly out of whack. Be patient.

It's good you foundthis

It's good you found this site, it's a great site and it's sister site your brain on porn has tons of useful info. I also suffer fom lower back pain and I am only 18 but that should hopefully go away as we recover. Good luck anyway.

This site is a blessing

I'm so happy I found this site too...when you realise that addiction to PMO is primarily neurochemical - rather than psychological - you are in a better head space to move forward and make positive changes to your life.

Update a year on

Actually I rediscovered this wonderful site recently.. almost exactly a year after first finding it, and it has provided a lot of solace in the last week or two. I'd like to be able to say that I have made a full recovery since July last year.. but on-going angst about the end of a relationship and an unbelievably stressful period at work lasting 5-6 months saw me using a lot of M with fantasy (but not really much 'P') to cope. I reached a very low ebb in April this year, and in disgust and desperation stopped PMO at the end of that month.

Deciding to take a break from work I travelled in May and June this year and it seemed pretty easy to abstain / start the re-boot process, so much so that I got to very nearly 2 months without much difficulty .. although I felt very flat indeed, had nil libido, and experienced very many of the withdrawal symptoms that lots of people here have reported on. Anyway.. returning from a wonderful, healthy trip to Canada at the end of June I came back to my empty apartment, smoked a joint (something I do v. rarely these days).. my guard seemed down and I 'lapsed' badly .. the start of a month of struggle. I'm currently in the sixth day of re-booting and the withdrawal symptoms seem worse than ever before - extreme fatigue and lethargy, wild mood swings, real lows at times, introspection.

With the HUGE benefit of being able to read about other people's experiences here and on the 'YBOP' site (which I don't remember last year) I've reached the conclusion that two months is just not nearly enough time for me to get healthy and clear in my brain and restore myself, so I'm embarking on another attempt, realising that (maybe at my age) I'm gonna need to keep going for six months or more before I can expect to feel the healthy me return. I feel quite lonely with it all, upset to be experiencing this and especially (necessarily I think) ruling out relationships for a period, But it's all my doing I suppose and I have to live with the consequences.

So thanks for still being here Marnia and you brave reuniting folk, will write more as time passes I'm sure.

Sorry you've had some struggles

Definitely don't stop relationships. They're ultimate "cure." In fact, do you have a female friend whom you could invite to be a "cuddle buddy" while you're rebooting? You could send her this link:

YBOP went up in December of 2011. We realized you guys needed your own site - since things can be hard to find here. Wink But we don't want to have to keep up with two separate forums.

Looking forward to your progress. You can start your own blog if it would help.

A month later..

Thanks Marnia, your advice not to stop relationships was very helpful, and although I wasn't really expecting to find a "cuddle buddy".. I just did, a couple of weeks ago now! It's been quite wonderful, but the lovely lady in question is keen to 'go all the way', which scares me a bit to be honest, as I haven't felt able to tell her about my history yet.

Also, what's happened is that 2-3 times, after an hour or so of very intense kissing and cuddling (clothes on!) .. the excitement got a bit too much and I orgasmed. By that point it was five weeks into my latest re-boot - and the energy I've been building up just kind of went again. Actually when she comes to visit me in a week or so (for a week!) I'm keen to try love-making without orgasm, but worry that it'll be too damned exciting and I'll just 'go off' again.

I wondered if anyone has had this kind of experience during a re-boot, and how they handled the situation? Any thoughts / experiences really appreciated.

How do I start a Blog, by the way?

Well that's a nice problem to have

Smile What about telling her something like, "I have a bit of stage fright, so I don't know for sure what will happen at first. Might take me a few tries to do my best work during intercourse." Just say it with a smile. Most women (who like you) are only concerned about whether they please you. As long as you let her know that (not just in words), you don't need to perform perfectly to keep her happy. It's fine to learn together what pleases you both sexually.

Just don't hesitate to slow her down with your body. Did you read Darryl's tips here? They're about karezza, but they can be used to improve orgasmic sex, too.

I remember when I first slept with the woman who would become my wife. We just cuddled together naked for at least two or three nights before we had intercourse. This was quite unusual for me, with previous girl friends, when the clothes came off we had sex. I think it really set the tone for our future together. I had actually forgotten we had done this together until a year ago, many years after we were engaging in karezza sex.

You may want to try some bonding behavior like this the first time you're naked together. You could say something like, "Lets just hold each other. I want to really feel who you are this time." When you do engage sexually you could say, "I really like to go slow so I can drink in your feminine beauty." That will really get her attention.

If she starts to speed it up, say,"Slow down I want to savor you," and then wrap you arms around her firmly. Believe me, you can set the tone. Find me a woman who doesn't want to be savored and have her feminine beauty adored.

Once she gets the sense of how you behave with her then you can introduce the concept of karezza. Actions always speak louder than words and a conversation about karezza can scare a potiential partner.

Show her first with your body. It also shows her you're a man with a direction and purpose. Women love male clarity when it comes from the heart. Make a commitment to your journey and you will find a woman who will share your vision.

In my opinion your challenge is to be able to stay cool during lovemaking with a new woman when you haven't had any karezza practice with a partner. You may want to consider some solo sexual cultivation to get at least some feel of sexual arousal that doesn't lead to orgasm. It will help to retrain your brain a little bit, showing you that sexual arousal doesn't alway have to end in orgasm.

Start a blog by clicking on "Members Blogs" to the left. When the page refreshes, you'll see "My Blog."

Let us know how it goes. Remember, porn scripts are not the only possible scripts when courting and mating. Don't hesitate to communicate or pace yourself.